The scent of poetry

I had purchased my first Moleskine (lined, large size, reporter's style) in a university store a block down from Columbia University. My best friend and I had just finished taking our first SAT exam when we wandered into the store dazed, confused, and hungry. We were from Queens, why we took the SAT in Columbia was because someone in our group of friends decided to be funny. They wanted to take it in Columbia, therefore everyone was roped into going--there were other places where we could have gone, seriously, but we jumped into the nonsensical bandwagon because we were all scared to take it 'alone'.

Digressing. The notebook, thereafter, became my book for poetry. From its use, I wrote my most 'serious' poems therein a few times a week. From 3 May 2005 to 5 December 2006, I wrote constantly. The last entry before today, that is, was 13 December 2008. The May 3rd poem doesn't have a title, but it was a prayer of sorts. While the December 5th poem is titled "Let Me Go". The poem written 2008 is untitled, but was also a challenge by a teacher. It was an introspection about the "shock that the world goes on after someone passes." 

In all this time, the little book still smells like Marc Jacob's "Blush". I had peppered its pages with the sample of the perfume I had gotten from Macy's. Sadly, the perfume is discontinued, but I'm glad the scent still lingers in my little book. 

Anyway, today's poem is titled "Spaces" because I have been musing upon the things or people who take up my heart. The most natural line of thought is a guy, but I don't really feel for anyone right now. Then there's the religious experience, where the person who occupies my heart is Jesus. 

I'm going to stew on the poem. It's written in my little "psalm" book, along with my the rest of its lot. 

I'm not scared of burning passionately for something anymore. That thought just popped up as I looked at my water bottle. The particles of my very diluted phytonutrient shake are suspended in the water I  refilled. I think its sad for some reason. I don't want to just be suspended... moving particles. Agitation. Excitation? Intensity? Yes. 

I would be really bad--or good?--at word association games. 

The Playlist in my Brain

It's a weird combination this week. I think it's being sick (again) and being cooped up inside the apartment for a freaking week. But really, I've been in a noir mood. I've been painting so its alright.

First:

I can't find the lyrics online since the new album "Real" by Years & Years has yet to drop (Feb. 17). The MV itself is not my type of cinematography but the song really speaks to me. It's catchy and the lyrics do justice to what I'm feeling emotionally.


Second:

I have no idea why this is in my brain.

Third:

Again, the lyrics: "You only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go." This one actually is connected to the memories of Boston before I moved up here. They were childhood memories of teasing; peals of laughter, and exploring. Nostalgia, and sentiments, but I can't mix the past and future. So, I'm not going to make new memories with someone else, here in Boston, because I want a clean break when I leave after graduation.

Fourth:

A touch of oldie, if The Cranberries, a 90's band can be considered an oldie. I mean, if Nirvana can be considered as such, then, that goes for the Cranberries too, right? Anyway, this one isn't so much the lyrics that speak to me but the sound of chanting. Haha.

Fifth:

Nothing like psychedelic rock. I like the breathy "ha, ha, ha's". It's all about sound, this one.


I did mention the songs were weird...and a touch melancholic. Woops.

Disney songs

Whenever I am unsure I always remember a song Pocahontas sang in Pocahontas II. "But where do I go from here, so many voices ringing in my ear", she sings as she's at the crux of major life decisions. I am very fortunate that God, in His infinite grace, has always given me options. Most of these options lead to successful ends, and all I've really had to do was follow the path and see things through. For that I am so grateful.

That has been in mind because of a dream I had a few days ago. In a way, some part of me knows this inherently, and just wanted to remind me. I needed the encouragement.

My classes this week started off with a major hiccup. I wasn't in the headspace for my first class, French, and I was just mucking up the whole time. I was like a deer caught in the headlights, and simultaneously, it was like I was witnessing a car crash. My professor was picking on me because I couldn't pronounce things right, and he called me to the desk after class for a little chat. Sigh. 

Granted, he's probably just judging whether I am fit for his class. In which, I know that I am. I have no choice because I need this class to finally graduate. It's either a sink or swim type of situation. I need to graduate this May because plans for the rest of the year are contingent on it. It's not that I don't know how to speak French, I can understand it quite well, but I have trouble speaking it and in class. My classmate(s) didn't help what so ever, which left me flustered to no end. 

Anyway, I just remembered the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. It gave me great encouragement and hope to face today's class. I will focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. I know that I'm systematically making my way through the previous chapters, and am actually exerting effort for this class--shock! I shouldn't be psyched out by my professor. I can do this. I've been in stickier situations. I know God's got my back. 

I've just got to trust and believe that everything will work out. Jesus did say, "it is finished".

Where Do I Go From here