Friday, November 7, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
During camp last, one of the very first life issues God highlighted was that I had a lot of hurt and emotional scars. I can only side eye that, because, well, God knows me better than I know myself, right? I've been hurt by people closest to me--I mean, who hasn't? Thats one of the saddest facts of humanity, the closer you are to a person, the more hurt you'd feel--the amount of love you give is (often) proportionate to the amount of hurt you feel...
Digressing, emotional scars and hurts were remembered. A good portion was prayed over, released forgiveness for, and then prayed life into. For some, I actually had to contact the person(s) and release forgiveness--again, proportionate amount of hurt, it was a boatload.
I just needed to remember this example of personal growth over the summer because I am feeling all these yucky feelings--excuse the lack of a better term. I'm hurt by the circumstances, and disappointed in myself. I feel like I've failed at life (already? I mean, I just graduated...), and that I've been hoodwinked.
They are lies of the enemy.
Taking a cue from my favorite book in the Bible--James--I will combat these feelings with the Truth. I am content in this trial because its building perseverance (James 1:2, 9, 12 ). I am taking pride in my humble position, because in my lack, God overflows with all things I do not have. I am called to persevere because God has work for me to do.
Pastor Glenn Garland said something that I've been ruminating lately. My present situation may be fact--my current joblessness is likened to water turning into ice, but the TRUTH is that I am a conqueror and a success likened to aberrations of nature (miracles), like Jesus walking on water.
My life is a miracle. This is my testimony. I will triumph because of the Blood Christ shed on the cross, and my testimony (Revelations 12:11). (Thank you Lord for such a beautiful thing!) The life in me is not mine, it is Christ's, therefore I have hope, and a bright future (recall Jeremiah 29:11).
This is not the end.
This is how to deal with disappointments, despondency, and hurt life metes out. As my father likes to quote: Hebrews 12:2, "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."
This is Not the End by Gungor
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United
Oceans Will Part by Hillsong
Friday, October 10, 2014
- Fin -
Eyes Nose Lips (Feat. Tablo) by Taeyang
The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves
Addendum: (Harvard event and job hunting)
So, the Harvard event was intimidating because I got there late and everyone else was in their groups. I felt that there were more grad students than college students, as well. Huh. Anyway, I got to walk around and chat with some people, which was good. I didn't need a date so much as to be a buffer, but to help ease the vibe of the room. I didn't like the room itself. It was dark and gothic looking, I'm sure if there were less people, and another theme, it would have been lovely.
I stayed 30 minutes and left. Walked around 5th ave and went to Sunrise Mart just for kicks. The employees were looking at me weird. Shrug. There was a cute Hapa... ^_^
Digressing. I thank the event for the wine, it was good--better than the one served at the gala I went to on campus last May. I'm disappointed that there was only light fare... maybe it was because I was late that I missed the canapés? But the room really gave me the creeps.
I liked the clubhouse. Very swanky. I'll sign up for membership soon!
Thank God for the opportunities--any and all! I am so blessed. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. (Psalm 23:6) I miss my classmates and friends who are still on campus. I am thankful for the help I get, and the support.
Oh! In total yesterday I sent out 8 applications for 14 jobs in all. Goodness. I'm looking for more opportunities today as well. But errands first.
Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Matthew 6:33) My paraphrase: "seek God, live blamelessly in the sight of others for His glory, and all else will follow."
Today, I had a late start--did laundry late last night with my sister, and came back home at 4 and slept about 5 am!-- but I am filled with so much joy.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Just pondering upon the matters of diligence, faith, and Christianity. Additionally, upon the rigors of the lifestyle that I proclaim. I just start to think about how God stretches me to be better--in giving, gratitude, grace, mercy, kindness, mindfulness, patience, and loving-kindness.
In this inner reflection I also have to move outwardly and upward. I must not only think about those matters, but act upon them, and then continually exercise them to a greater degree. Who said being a Christian is easy? True faith hurts because it requires endurance (James 1:3)
If I must be found lacking, let me continually hunger for the Word of God (Psalms 107:9). Let me continually be found seeking His face (Psalms 27:4). Let me not settle for anything other than Jesus.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
When death dies, all things live. Because Christ is alive, I have a hope and future.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
So Stay with Me
It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.
As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.
Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.
So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.
Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.
You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.
There's Nothing Like You and I
She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.
It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...
There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers
Thoughts in TL;DR:
Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.
Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
I would prepare breakfast,
and you would gladly make tea.
and a kiss goodbye.
I'd be someone important at work,
and so would you.
We would live comfortably.
Then I realize,
This is my dream.
I realize--I don't even know you.
You say you want to live out of the city.
You say you don't drink caffeine--
You prefer hard labor instead of the officework.
I am jarred.
I am repentant.
Did I take the time to know you?
Were we on the same page?
Did we have the same conversations?
I'm blindsided, and so are you.
Really, what happened?
You had another vision--
Another dream all together.
Your personal values,
beautiful in their own right,
are so different from mine.
I didn't get to know you well enough.
Yet, this isn't disappointing.
We are at a stall.
Actually, there is no 'we'.
Paths that were once parallel--
However, I still like what I see.
Friday, July 4, 2014
It's been a few weeks since I've written something, but today is one of those rare days I've found mental downtime.
Firstly, WOOT!!! I graduated! I've finally got a degree to my name, although it is totally not just for me, but for everyone who has helped me down the path of academics. I can't say how grateful I am to everyone--especially my parents, grandparents, family, and friends. Then there are my mentors and teachers who literally have helped me through tough times and invested in me. I know I keep saying it, but its true.
Secondly, I am deeply moved by the love that was showered upon our family when Papa died. There were people who we hadn't seen in years, or have lost contact with, and those who unexpectedly came to his memorial service. I had him in mind today as we [in camp] prayed for America, the troops, and veterans. If anything, Papa was really proud of being a WWII Veteran, and that his grandchildren had degrees, and accomplishments of their own.
Thirdly, 26! I'm just an edge past quarter of a century, I'm glad I got to spend it with family and friends, though I know that I left some people hangin'. Sorry!
Fourthly, I am so stoked by camp. I know I came immediately after my birthday, and it seems like I won't be back home until the beginning of September, but I am so grateful for the training and the things I am (and will) learning.
Finally, music on the brain! :)
http://youtu.be/ew_c5ewoVQk La Roux -- I'm Not Your Toy
http://youtu.be/KG3EDn69poA Laurence Fox -- The One Sent To Guide You
Monday, May 19, 2014
My sunrise has come.
The last two years here in Boston held so many challenges. I often wondered if I'd come out of here with my mind in tact, but here I am. I thank God for everything.
My heart is just so full right now. Things are falling int place. God, it's beautiful.
A golden glow peeks at the edge of the horizon.
Hope stirs within.
A ray breaks forth, piercing the heart of night;
it chases the dark.
Blue married with gold hugs the earth.
More tendrils of light burst forth.
The star rises victoriously.
It kisses the land softly, warmly, and anew.
A new day.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I had a late start this morning, which I'm quite annoyed about--I'll make due. Drinking tea, I thought about my stay here in Boston, the community I've been a part of--Grace Street/Revolution Church, and my previous/present? classmates. These thoughts actually began a few days ago when, in frustration, I started to pack. I took down most of the cards and letters people have sent/given me and tucked them away. Several are still up on the wall, I'll need them to get through the week. A specific card, given by a dear friend, talked about how she'd miss me as I moved up to Boston. That's nearly 2 years ago.
Two years. A chapter of my life will be closing soon. Nothing's going to stop me.
Boston held previous memories. Boston holds graveyards. Boston holds closure.
Once I pass the threshold and shut the door come the end of the month, I'll be back in NY, but it will be an entrance to something else.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".
That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.
So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.
Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.
Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.
TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
I started discipleship at church.
I'm trying to study for a quiz.
Another anxiety attack today as I was heading out the door to go to class. I was trying to handle it, squash it down, until it became a deluge and swallowed me.
I will am trying to learn to accept it. I try to fight the biological reaction and sometimes I succeed, but most of the time I don't. I don't really get emotional after an attack, but this one I did. Frustrating.
I'm frustrated that it recurs. I dislike being a burden to those I love. In some level I feel like I should be "stronger than this", but maybe I'm not, at least on my own.
I look back on the times I've gotten out of these pits. I've made it, miraculously.
I'm in the last semester in school. Pressure.
I can (and have!) do(ne) all things through Christ who strengthens me. This I affirm. This I have and continually see.
Prayer: Shalom. Shalom.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
I can't find the lyrics online since the new album "Real" by Years & Years has yet to drop (Feb. 17). The MV itself is not my type of cinematography but the song really speaks to me. It's catchy and the lyrics do justice to what I'm feeling emotionally.
I have no idea why this is in my brain.
Again, the lyrics: "You only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go." This one actually is connected to the memories of Boston before I moved up here. They were childhood memories of teasing; peals of laughter, and exploring. Nostalgia, and sentiments, but I can't mix the past and future. So, I'm not going to make new memories with someone else, here in Boston, because I want a clean break when I leave after graduation.
A touch of oldie, if The Cranberries, a 90's band can be considered an oldie. I mean, if Nirvana can be considered as such, then, that goes for the Cranberries too, right? Anyway, this one isn't so much the lyrics that speak to me but the sound of chanting. Haha.
Nothing like psychedelic rock. I like the breathy "ha, ha, ha's". It's all about sound, this one.
I did mention the songs were weird...and a touch melancholic. Woops.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
My brain is sputtering, still. That means I don't really have the longest attention span. Look at this post. Haha.
I felt really crappy this morning and didn't really want to go to class. I was feeling a bit anxious since yesterday evening--can one wake up from a nap anxious? Apparently I can. Sigh. But really, I think it's just the intake of caffeine. I've been drinking too much Earl Grey.
I'll list the things I'm grateful for so as to combat my anxiety.
1) My art supplies came!
2) My High School mentor(s) may have my art stuff.
3) My family is okay and getting better because everyone's not feeling 100% healthy. (That's the nicest way to put it. Haha.)
4) My brain isn't feeling as clogged, even though it's still taking more effort to think clearly. At least it's not foggy.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Coming back to my apt in Cambridge, I was quite happy to be back in my own space, and since I feel like I've de-cluttered my brain, I don't feel as stifled. I have high hopes. A lot of things were healed inside (and out) in the two months I was gone. Thank God.
I signed up for Saatchi Online, which is an online gallery. At the moment, I don't have anything to upload. I bought a new easel which, thankfully, comes with an "introductory" set of 5 canvases, basic acrylic paint set, and brushes. Yay! I dusted off my art stuff and made space so it's more accessible. Soon, I will be able to make something. In the mean time, I'm doodling/practicing stuff on my sketchbook and phone.
I am still debating whether to get my floor done, that is, refinished. I should get one that. Haha!
So, yeah, J-term. It would be the first time, in a very long time, that I will be attending school four times a week. I think the last time I was in 4x a week was around 2007.
Also, as for writing, I was able to go 4,700+/5,000 words during my first writing exercise. I decided to cut the story short, totally abrupt, because somewhere around 3,000 words I realized that I had laid the plot thickly and it was more of a 10,000 word short story or ficlet. Hmn, I will have to revisit that story and expand when I am finished with the 10,000 word short story exercise.
All this practice is a bit taxing, but enjoyable. It's been 4 years since I painted/sketched/etc, and a good 2 or 3 years since I wrote anything of substance. (Not that poetry isn't substantial!) Even longer, actually, since I wrote an original piece--not fanfiction. Flexing mental dexterity. Oh, yeah!
Here's to a new day~