Music on the mind

It's been a few weeks since I've written something, but today is one of those rare days I've found mental downtime.

Firstly, WOOT!!! I graduated! I've finally got a degree to my name, although it is totally not just for me, but for everyone who has helped me down the path of academics. I can't say how grateful I am to everyone--especially my parents, grandparents, family, and friends. Then there are my mentors and teachers who literally have helped me through tough times and invested in me. I know I keep saying it, but its true.

Secondly, I am deeply moved by the love that was showered upon our family when Papa died. There were people who we hadn't seen in years, or have lost contact with, and those who unexpectedly came to his memorial service. I had him in mind today as we [in camp] prayed for America, the troops, and veterans. If anything, Papa was really proud of being a WWII Veteran, and that his grandchildren had degrees, and accomplishments of their own.

Thirdly, 26! I'm just an edge past quarter of a century, I'm glad I got to spend it with family and friends, though I know that I left some people hangin'. Sorry!

Fourthly, I am so stoked by camp. I know I came immediately after my birthday, and it seems like I won't be back home until the beginning of September, but I am so grateful for the training and the things I am (and will) learning.

Finally, music on the brain! :)

http://youtu.be/ew_c5ewoVQk La Roux -- I'm Not Your Toy

http://youtu.be/KG3EDn69poA Laurence Fox -- The One Sent To Guide You

From the darkest night comes the brightest dawn

Rise. The sun always rises. It may rise behind the clouds, and it may obscure the light for a while, but clouds are vapors and will disappear. Compared to the enormous ball of gas, clouds...

My sunrise has come.

The last two years here in Boston held so many challenges. I often wondered if I'd come out of here with my mind in tact, but here I am. I thank God for everything.

My heart is just so full right now. Things are falling int place. God, it's beautiful.


Sunrise

A golden glow peeks at the edge of the horizon.
Hope stirs within.
A ray breaks forth, piercing the heart of night;
it chases the dark.
Blue married with gold hugs the earth.
More tendrils of light burst forth.
The star rises victoriously.
Gold.
Glorious gold.
It kisses the land softly, warmly, and anew.
A new day.

Every Entrance was an Exit Elsewhere

Yesterday (Monday) night was the final class for Drama. I'm sad to realize that next Monday evening I wouldn't be surrounded by really cool, warm, and kind people. It was a lovely journey to be a part of. I told my acting teacher last night, "I learned to access my feelings, commit to them, and follow through." To which he replied, "well that's true of everything we do, right?", indeed it is.

I had a late start this morning, which I'm quite annoyed about--I'll make due. Drinking tea, I thought about my stay here in Boston, the community I've been a part of--Grace Street/Revolution Church, and my previous/present? classmates. These thoughts actually began a few days ago when, in frustration, I started to pack. I took down most of the cards and letters people have sent/given me and tucked them away. Several are still up on the wall, I'll need them to get through the week. A specific card, given by a dear friend, talked about how she'd miss me as I moved up to Boston. That's nearly 2 years ago.

Two years. A chapter of my life will be closing soon. Nothing's going to stop me.

Boston held previous memories. Boston holds graveyards. Boston holds closure.

Once I pass the threshold and shut the door come the end of the month, I'll be back in NY, but it will be an entrance to something else.

We all have 20/20 vision in hindsight; emotional ties

TL;DR: I'm a mess right now. Can't even make sense of stuff.

I spent a good 2 hours getting rid of screen caps, saved pics, and tags on my computer. I have yet to touch my iTunes to clear out (really) old sentimental songs. I figure it will be an endeavor that will last at least half a day. 

I'm cutting emotional ties with people and certain things. I feel like in the last two years I've cut out more and more people. It hurts--no lie, but I think I need to save myself before I can help someone else. This is difficult.

The imperative is to cleanse. I didn't think I had this much junk in my life, and the more I dig, the more I realize "wow, I suck". My hope is that I remember and realize that all I have and am is by God's grace. 

I feel like asking "what now, God?" because I'm literally being stripped of everything. There is so much time I would have used for x, y, z, etc; and now it's open schedule. The hardest thing, actually, is filling that time with something wholesome. 

I feel sorely lacking compared to last year. But I think its cause I let myself get lax in being vigilant that things God cleared out of my life started to creep back, or that I didn't fully give stuff away. 

It may be a whole host of other things.

I'm just rambling now.

The Fiercest Fables: lies I tell myself

The title of this post, "Fiercest Fables" actually comes from a story a friend of mine wrote (who got it from a Bon Iver song, I don't know which one). It has to do with the lies we tell ourselves. There are just some things we believe we have control over, or mastered, but in truth, we've sorely underestimated its grip or ramification.

My mother, in a much more verbose manner, once told me a story about this village woman. The lesson of the story was "covering your head, but leaving your butt exposed". We make certain provisions for somethings, yet completely miss the glaring warnings for other things, and lo-and-behold, we are in danger.

Sometimes its more telling of our nature by what we do for the sake or in the face of curiosity, than what we seemingly constantly (regimentally/characteristically) do.

Where am I going with this?

Addiction.

I am sure if I am truly honest with myself, I can acknowledge that somewhere or at some time, I've picked up something, an interest, a hobby or habit that grew into something that got married into my personality and character. All are destructive in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

Again, all addictions [idols, gods, propensities] are destructive [to self] in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

What am I addicted to?

Answer: many things.

Your breath inside my lungs

The past few weeks have been a challenge emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There were things I needed to work through and am still working through, and that's half the fun, I guess. I've decided to create a hedge of protection for my own sanity and purity.

My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".

That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.

So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.

Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.

Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.

TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.

To the weakest link...

Posting for the sake of posting this week.

I started discipleship at church.

I'm trying to study for a quiz.


UPDATE/EDIT/REWRITE:

Another anxiety attack today as I was heading out the door to go to class. I was trying to handle it, squash it down, until it became a deluge and swallowed me.

I will am trying to learn to accept it. I try to fight the biological reaction and sometimes I succeed, but most of the time I don't. I don't really get emotional after an attack, but this one I did. Frustrating.

I'm frustrated that it recurs. I dislike being a burden to those I love. In some level I feel like I should be "stronger than this", but maybe I'm not, at least on my own.

I look back on the times I've gotten out of these pits. I've made it, miraculously.

I'm in the last semester in school. Pressure.



I can (and have!) do(ne) all things through Christ who strengthens me. This I affirm. This I have and continually see.

Prayer: Shalom. Shalom.