Recalibrating myself

I am sitting in my room taking stock of the first 22 days of the New Year. To my left I posted up a Sunday program insert from my church. It reads "How I will live my life differently in 2014". The message that Sunday, the first Sunday I got back up here in Cambridge and of the New Year, was about change, or something like it. My pastor stressed that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Which leads to the challenge aforementioned.

Taking stock of all the positive things first. I have been writing and painting. I also have been going to school. I was able to travel to NY for my grandfather. I was able to fix up my room, and do laundry--no easy feat. I've been good, and eating in. I've been eating more fruits and drinking water. I'm not sick.

Taking stock of all the "misses". I have not been punctual with assignments. I have not been reading class readings as closely. I haven't been spending quality time with God. I've been Tumblr stalking. I haven't done chores. I honestly thought I was going to have more negatives on this list. Interesting. Perhaps, those are just feelings or expectations I place on myself that bog me down. I don't know, I'll have to think about those feelings I haven't listed.

I know that this year I am just trying to be me, to accept myself as I am, no matter how disappointed I feel with myself. If I really look at the bright side--optimism isn't one of my strong suits, I'm...accomplished? Suddenly, I remember my professor mentioning that social comparison is not beneficial. It's hard not to do here in this culture of academia.

I remember my sister's message last Sunday. I have to get rid of the diversions. I am awash with them, apparently. As I write this, I listen to the hymn "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus", and the line "and the things on Earth will grow strangely dim" hits the spot. Last year the only thing that upheld me from the crazy vibes I was feeling was Jesus. It was the only thing that made sense. Now, I know and understand. It's not bothering me as much, but I have to come to terms and rectify how I feel about certain people, which is easier said than done. 

Since scaling back my life, I think I have to scale back the things that occupy my time. I have to stop multi-tasking so I can focus and not lose precious milliseconds, which do add up. I know I can do it. The "things of Earth" have to grow dim, because these things aren't of eternal value. 

Welcome, New Year

I just wanted to have a quick post before I started school--intensive J-term.

Coming back to my apt in Cambridge, I was quite happy to be back in my own space, and since I feel like I've de-cluttered my brain, I don't feel as stifled. I have high hopes. A lot of things were healed inside (and out) in the two months I was gone. Thank God.

I signed up for Saatchi Online, which is an online gallery. At the moment, I don't have anything to upload. I bought a new easel which, thankfully, comes with an "introductory" set of 5 canvases, basic acrylic paint set, and brushes. Yay! I dusted off my art stuff and made space so it's more accessible. Soon, I will be able to make something. In the mean time, I'm doodling/practicing stuff on my sketchbook and phone.

I am still debating whether to get my floor done, that is, refinished. I should get one that. Haha!

So, yeah, J-term. It would be the first time, in a very long time, that I will be attending school four times a week. I think the last time I was in 4x a week was around 2007.

Also, as for writing, I was able to go 4,700+/5,000 words during my first writing exercise. I decided to cut the story short, totally abrupt, because somewhere around 3,000 words I realized that I had laid the plot thickly and it was more of a 10,000 word short story or ficlet. Hmn, I will have to revisit that story and expand when I am finished with the 10,000 word short story exercise.

All this practice is a bit taxing, but enjoyable. It's been 4 years since I painted/sketched/etc, and a good 2 or 3 years since I wrote anything of substance. (Not that poetry isn't substantial!) Even longer, actually, since I wrote an original piece--not fanfiction. Flexing mental dexterity. Oh, yeah!

Here's to a new day~

"Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say" King Lear, Shakespeare

I'm really not the type to make New Years Resolutions because I know I will fail, but mostly: forget. I have, however, since 2007, whilst in the company of 25,000+ youth in St. Louis/Urbana, Missouri have had yearly character reflections. I remember that year it was tenacity. I had chronicled those character reflections on LJ, and perhaps, Facebook. I remember having studied compassion, love/warmth?, trust, joy, and temperance (for the last two years!). Yes, temperance is a big thing, moderation is chalked up in there as well.

With that in mind, I am thinking of this coming year's character reflection. I learned many things this year about myself; about my abilities, and how far my journey with, within, and toward God has grown. I also learned to put my money where my mouth is, and failed at something purposefully. There is a rationale to this, and this exercise is definitely multifaceted, but this one is what I feel comfortable sharing: failure comes the hardest when we least expect it, so why not allow yourself to? This thought stems from a sermon I heard about change. There are two ways to change, one in which wisdom guides you to make changes out of your own volition, or where foolishness drags you kicking and screaming through the mire to learn your lesson. I prefer the prior, always the prior.

Digressing, I know through Psychological study readings, that we have bias in perception about ourselves and our past. We distance the bad -- "But that was what I felt/knew/learnt about myself X-time ago... and this is what I know/feel/learn now." (There was a funny comic my professor included in the lecture slide). So, what about this year's character reflection? What will I be focusing on? I want to be able to say: responsibilities. I'm too scared to say righteousness or graciousness, because those things court a steadfastness that I don't think I'm willing to commit to. Perhaps, commitment? Maybe I need to learn to be wholly and truly committed to something. One of the lessons I learned--rather, remembered, is that I do not like putting all my eggs in the basket.

Commitment. I feel like I've tried to work this as a character reflection, though not officially, but I'm not entirely sure.

"Take pains; be perfect." Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare. "If you are faithful in the little things, you will be faithful in the large ones. But if you are dishonest in the little things, you won't be honest with the greater responsibilities." Luke 16:10, NLT.

At this point, I feel like I suck as a person because I have never been as faithful as I should be in the small things. I don't take things as seriously as they should be. Yes, I've a streak of irreverence, I admit to this. Alas, I must carry on.

Do we really change? I hope so.

That's the transformative power of Jesus at work.