Probably why I happen to like Dominique Ansel Kitchen so much is because of the pathos of that specific branch. Dominique Ansel's Bakery is the birthplace of the Cronut, croissant-doughnut, and the chocolate chip cookie shot. The bakery is all about cutting edge desserts whilst the Kitchen, while also cooking up novel desserts, is all about time.
There are desserts that are completed upon ordering, for that "made to order" feel, whilst other desserts take days to complete. Like a good tres leches takes at least 2 days, Ansel's Tea-ramisu takes 48 hours to mature. My favorites, of course, are the tarts.
Past my preamble, time is an ingredient is so many aspects of our lives. It takes 9 months for human gestation--if the baby comes out too early its, often, very concerning, and if the baby doesn't come out and stays a bit (few days, weeks, even an extra month!) it, too, is a bit concerning. It often takes 2, 4, 6, 8, or 10, years to finish higher education. Someone doesn't get handed a Ph.D. or a Residency for just two years of study--I don't know if it's doable or possible, but it would be bloody exhausting.
I was just pondering about art and the time it takes to produce pieces. In history, there were artists who took months or years to finish a piece, having lulls in production. There were others who kept producing regularly, and within that body of work, Masterpieces would be recognized.
When I was in middle school, I remember a certain project that was assigned. Our class had to draw stuff and I remember I spent about an hour or so on the project. When we had to hand in our work, I saw a classmate's piece, and it was well made and very detailed. She looked at me and commented something to the effect, "it takes hours to make something, right?" I remember shrugging and replying, "Yeah, I guess so."
Something inside sparked, and soon after I spent sketching anything and everything. When I brought my sketchbook to school, I remember one of my classmates incredulous that my sketches got from line art to realism in such a quick time. "You traced this!", he was indignant. I put my hand over my sketch and I go, "the palm is too small for me to have 'traced' it!" I can laugh at the scene now, but I was so mad.
Anyway, I had lost quite a bit of time. But a good artist relies on skills, and I am excited to learn new skills. As a child, fine motor skills often elude, but being an adult, all I need is a bit of time. Thankfully, God has given me more than enough time. It's just about harnessing that time and not squandering it. Eep!
Ecclesiastes 3:11
Showing posts with label Recalibrate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recalibrate. Show all posts
Monday, June 19, 2017
Friday, June 9, 2017
Stay Woke
Referring back to the video I watched/listened two days ago by that artist, he expounded that we often take on bad habits. Likewise, it is often the bane of our existence to undo those bad habits, then re-learn new and better habits.
In one of my psychology classes, we read this book (written by the professor teaching the course) called, "Immunity to Change". Neurologically, the human brain is really good at keeping certain behaviors. Some behaviors, we have actively incorporated into our lives, and others we have passively incorporated by proximity to those we spend most time with. All this contributes to our immunity against changes.
Safe to say, I am not a proponent of coerced behavior modification.
Anyway, as I am going through this shift, I am taking stock--as I usually do--of my life and things that were added, and things that need to be taken out. I've already "weeded" out a small portion of my belongings. I think its time to get ruthless about it.
(That Marie Kondo book is looking mighty appealing, but I don't need any more books on the shelf for now!)
I'm currently listening to a sermon by Dharius Daniels, called "Stay Woke". It's nothing new, but being reminded is always great.
"It's one thing to want mind renewal, but it's another to be ready for the renewal."
Am I ready for revelation?
In one of my psychology classes, we read this book (written by the professor teaching the course) called, "Immunity to Change". Neurologically, the human brain is really good at keeping certain behaviors. Some behaviors, we have actively incorporated into our lives, and others we have passively incorporated by proximity to those we spend most time with. All this contributes to our immunity against changes.
Safe to say, I am not a proponent of coerced behavior modification.
Anyway, as I am going through this shift, I am taking stock--as I usually do--of my life and things that were added, and things that need to be taken out. I've already "weeded" out a small portion of my belongings. I think its time to get ruthless about it.
(That Marie Kondo book is looking mighty appealing, but I don't need any more books on the shelf for now!)
I'm currently listening to a sermon by Dharius Daniels, called "Stay Woke". It's nothing new, but being reminded is always great.
"It's one thing to want mind renewal, but it's another to be ready for the renewal."
Am I ready for revelation?
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Details and Demarcation
As most of my followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook know, I am focusing on my art at the moment. I wanted to focus on music but I had to decide which one would be beneficial for me at present. Writing, too, has been put on the back burner--at least, posting my writing. I'm chugging along, daily, trying to write something.
I was listening to a successful artist speaking about talent and skill late last evening and he consolidated the nebulae of thoughts I had been ruminating the past few months. Too long and verbose to write here. Haha!
Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that I don't know much about art. I truly want to increase my skill because talent only takes me so far--like engenius and prodigious children, the other children catch up eventually. I will not depend on inspiration or muse(s) but simply do...and learn.
Today marks a shift in the way I do things. I hope you'll tune in for the adventure. My blog on WordPress will contain more artist musings and, dare I hope, artwork.
Jude 1:24-25
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Change of perspective and radio silence
November kicked my ass. I had several disappointments and I promptly learned from them. I was learning, stretching, and growing.
A quick writing update: I wrote a few things after I stopped blogging last month. I was disappointed in that. Something came up which demoralized me and impeded my creativity. However, once I fixed this, and started to think about the story--the universe I was creating; my characters and their circumstances, I felt that thrill and life return to me.
Additionally, I finally began to teach. I had quit my job at T&Co, early/mid-September, but with bureaucratic red tape, I wasn't able to start teaching until the 2nd week of November. It was also testing because, after that, I had Thanksgiving and holiday-related no-class sessions.
As for the business, I grew it a little bit and I am very happy to be pushing onward. I was able to close in and welcome a new business partner. It was great! When my days at the school had me feeling bummed out, I would look forward to sharing positive energy with my business colleagues.
December's outlook: after re-evaluating my disappointments, I know this is the time to change tactics. I've created a great schedule and calendar. Which helps me track and "number my days", yet, not feel overwhelmed. I've formatted my schedule for my novel--alas, I didn't get to finish because I started teaching--which I hopefully will finish by the end of January-to-mid-February.
I keep all this in prayer. I'm living for my legacy.
Matthew 10:16
A quick writing update: I wrote a few things after I stopped blogging last month. I was disappointed in that. Something came up which demoralized me and impeded my creativity. However, once I fixed this, and started to think about the story--the universe I was creating; my characters and their circumstances, I felt that thrill and life return to me.
Additionally, I finally began to teach. I had quit my job at T&Co, early/mid-September, but with bureaucratic red tape, I wasn't able to start teaching until the 2nd week of November. It was also testing because, after that, I had Thanksgiving and holiday-related no-class sessions.
As for the business, I grew it a little bit and I am very happy to be pushing onward. I was able to close in and welcome a new business partner. It was great! When my days at the school had me feeling bummed out, I would look forward to sharing positive energy with my business colleagues.
December's outlook: after re-evaluating my disappointments, I know this is the time to change tactics. I've created a great schedule and calendar. Which helps me track and "number my days", yet, not feel overwhelmed. I've formatted my schedule for my novel--alas, I didn't get to finish because I started teaching--which I hopefully will finish by the end of January-to-mid-February.
I keep all this in prayer. I'm living for my legacy.
Matthew 10:16
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
NaNoWriMo day 7 - New set of vignettes and cleaning
I didn't write today, but I did brainstorm as I cleaned the house. I just needed to rest from the weekend. I felt good though because the next set to write is all about conflicts.
It seems to me that every weekend our house explodes. All the tidying done throughout the week is foregone because Sunday is a very busy day. I once explained to my co-workers in my previous job that I don't get weekends off. I do my "hobby-job" aka, Church.
Whether it's doing errands, picking up stuff, or mentoring. My weekends are usually filled with something. It's rare to see me home all weekend.
So, today was cleaning day. Ahh. I did a lot of organizing too. Yay!
As for writing, I am at a point where my characters are no longer children with hazy memories to recollect, but adolescents. The next few sets of vignettes will involve inner and external conflicts. The last vignette, the one with the first kiss, had conflict, which bridges the first few sets to the next few sets. As children, they didn't really have any cares... as teenagers...
AH. TEENAGERS. LOL Enter High School drama. Enter College drama. YAY!
So here's to the next set!
Exodus 34:21
It seems to me that every weekend our house explodes. All the tidying done throughout the week is foregone because Sunday is a very busy day. I once explained to my co-workers in my previous job that I don't get weekends off. I do my "hobby-job" aka, Church.
Whether it's doing errands, picking up stuff, or mentoring. My weekends are usually filled with something. It's rare to see me home all weekend.
So, today was cleaning day. Ahh. I did a lot of organizing too. Yay!
As for writing, I am at a point where my characters are no longer children with hazy memories to recollect, but adolescents. The next few sets of vignettes will involve inner and external conflicts. The last vignette, the one with the first kiss, had conflict, which bridges the first few sets to the next few sets. As children, they didn't really have any cares... as teenagers...
AH. TEENAGERS. LOL Enter High School drama. Enter College drama. YAY!
So here's to the next set!
Exodus 34:21
Friday, October 14, 2016
Healthy, Slow, Minimalist Living
I think that the culture today is the exact opposite of the abovemebtioned. We are living an unhealthy, fast/busy, yet unproductive, over indulgent, malcontented lifestyles. And if anyone doesn't want to participate in that, they're branded as a "hippy", or "eco-snob".
Spiritually, I want to learn to be content, for contentment is a great gain. I want to be content with myself, my circumstances, my living, my posessions. I even want to venture out and say I want to learn to be more content with my relationships. I should be cultivating stronger bonds with people instead of seeking the next interesting person.
Hmm, all good things. Still haven't quite thought it through.
1 Timothy 6:6
Spiritually, I want to learn to be content, for contentment is a great gain. I want to be content with myself, my circumstances, my living, my posessions. I even want to venture out and say I want to learn to be more content with my relationships. I should be cultivating stronger bonds with people instead of seeking the next interesting person.
Hmm, all good things. Still haven't quite thought it through.
1 Timothy 6:6
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Plant-Based Diet Yet Again
Since 2012, I've taken up this thing where I shift my diet, which is meat heavy, to vegetarian/pescatarian. It usually is at the beginning of the year, where I naturally "detox" from the Holiday feasts. Thus far, I really like it.
Aside from fasting and praying, I make this commitment to fast meat. It helps me feel lighter and be at ease. I honestly don't feel like I carry a bunch of junk inside.
As for the post two days ago, and last night's post, I am on a scheduled "turnaround". Fixing sleep and work schedule, then my diet and after, work out my schedule. Yay!
Today begins the no-meat phase. I am so tempted to just eat meat, it's the easy alternative since there's already leftovers. However, I am making cornmeal "patties", my hack version of a tortilla.
I added some all-purpose flour so it would clump up and not be crumbly. However, I know this goes against traditional corn tortillas. Apologies.
Going vegetarian takes a little bit of planning, especially since I've made it a point to eat 6 times a day--small meals to keep metabolism up. It's harder than it sounds because it requires effort to be on an eating schedule. I remember Hillary Swank saying she abhorred the training and eating schedule for Million Dollar Baby. She had to get up half way through the night to take a protein shake.
My brother comically said, "you know, where people say 'I gotta get out of my school schedule', you have to get back on your 'school schedule'." I don't disagree because I am healthiest and most productive.
Psalm 18:2
Aside from fasting and praying, I make this commitment to fast meat. It helps me feel lighter and be at ease. I honestly don't feel like I carry a bunch of junk inside.
As for the post two days ago, and last night's post, I am on a scheduled "turnaround". Fixing sleep and work schedule, then my diet and after, work out my schedule. Yay!
Today begins the no-meat phase. I am so tempted to just eat meat, it's the easy alternative since there's already leftovers. However, I am making cornmeal "patties", my hack version of a tortilla.
I added some all-purpose flour so it would clump up and not be crumbly. However, I know this goes against traditional corn tortillas. Apologies.
Going vegetarian takes a little bit of planning, especially since I've made it a point to eat 6 times a day--small meals to keep metabolism up. It's harder than it sounds because it requires effort to be on an eating schedule. I remember Hillary Swank saying she abhorred the training and eating schedule for Million Dollar Baby. She had to get up half way through the night to take a protein shake.
My brother comically said, "you know, where people say 'I gotta get out of my school schedule', you have to get back on your 'school schedule'." I don't disagree because I am healthiest and most productive.
Psalm 18:2
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Recalibrating
Yesterday, I was talking about focusing my energies. Today, begins implementation.
I spent the better part of the day preparing and finding reinforcements for the healthy habits I'm creating. This is about consistency after all. Exciting!
First phase, bed time. Second, phase, working hours. Third, phase diet. Fourth phase, workout. Final phase, repeat.
Also, I'm finding more creative ways of getting my business out there. Here's to more planning, development, and execution.
Psalms 37:7
I spent the better part of the day preparing and finding reinforcements for the healthy habits I'm creating. This is about consistency after all. Exciting!
First phase, bed time. Second, phase, working hours. Third, phase diet. Fourth phase, workout. Final phase, repeat.
Also, I'm finding more creative ways of getting my business out there. Here's to more planning, development, and execution.
Psalms 37:7
Friday, September 23, 2016
Conversations with God
One of my favourite sermons is about prayer. I believe that prayer is essential in spiritual growth and personal growth. Deep prayer is having deep conversations with God, and I love it.
When I was a child I thought it was something formal. That I first had to 'clean' my mind of thoughts so that God wouldn't hear them before I started. But that's the thing about an omnipotent-omniscient God--moot point in cleaning your mind before prayer 'cause He already knows!
Anyway, the sermon of the Tabernacle Prayer (taught by Paul Yonggi Cho) is a go to, especially when I want to 'soul detox'. Its not meant to be formal... it's meant to be real. I'll be re-iterating and exhorting on it at Church, so I might as well give snippets.
Premise: The Tabernacle/Temple prayer is a method of praying so as to engage God in deeper conversation. It also helps pace one's self in prayer time.
There are three stages and seven areas of concentration. The three stages are the outer court, inner court, and the Holy of Holies. The seven concentrations are: the Brazen Altar and the Cross, Laver, Lamp Stand (Menorah), Table of Show Bread, the Altar of Incense, and the Mercy Seat.
At each concentration, we engage God differently. At the Brazen Altar, we come to magnify the work of Jesus on the cross. To affirm His death, and His triumph. We renew our minds with the benefits of the cross: forgiveness of sin, righteousness, healing, conquered the world, fulness of the Holy Spirit, sanctification, redemption from the curse, etc; We get to clarify the vision of our identity in Him.
The Laver is where we look within ourselves using the 10 Commandments as our mirror. It is no longer a curse (Galatians 3:10 NLT preferred). A lot of repenting and renouncing here. Got other gods and idols? Got a problem with taking the Lord's name in vain? Am I keeping the commandment of the Sabbath? Do I respect my parents? Honestly, when you ponder upon these, you'll be humbled and see that we needed a lot of fixing. It's great! Its a recalibration. This is where I'm usually a sopping mess.
The Menorah represents the Holy Spirit and His seven attributes. He illuminates our spirit and soul with His: wisdom, understanding, counsel, might, knowledge; fear of the Lord, and holiness. This is that part where the 'oil' or 'anointing' comes. Here I'm humbled by His abilities and realize what it means to function in and through Him. And, obviously, I engage Him and adore Him and take this time to fellowship with Him.
The Table of Show Bread is the word of God. The 'logos' - the written word, and the 'rhema' - God's spoken word. I like to think of it as the Doctrine within the Bible and the inspiration impressed by God through the Holy Spirit that brings these doctrines to life, able to apply divinely inspired Word to our lives. I thank God for the Word and the promises of the Word that has come to life within me for my wellbeing. Super powerful to know that God's Word does not return void (Isa. 55:11) and alive (Heb. 4:12).
Finally (for my snippet, rather), the Altar of Incense. Here, we are directly in front of God's glory. Our prayer is a sweet incense to Him (Ps. 141:2 & Rev. 8:4). Here we are able to offer petitions for ourselves and others, pray for blessings, protection; lay down plans and projects, etc; You've got this time, place, and space in front of the King of Kings and He's listening. Say, 'Hi' or just be still to listen to Him.
I encourage you to make it real 'cause either way He's listening. Also, going through these points, I assure you, you'll have a long and very deep conversation with God.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
(Yes, I realize I may have blogged about this a while back. Always a good topic!)
Thursday, October 2, 2014
You Are My Hope; Jesus I Come. When Death Dies
The first song on today's playlist:
When death dies, all things live. Because Christ is alive, I have a hope and future.
The previous post was a mix of current songs I've been listening to, as well as song from ages ago. It was fun going down memory lane that day with old songs and old playlists. I even dug up some old pictures from high school. I'm far too embarrassed to post them, sorry (not sorry).
Anyway, I've decided to change my eating habits. I'm back to eating less meat, eventually phasing it out, though I haven't decided to commit to that. I will definitely miss chicken, but my solace are eggs! It's day two of the change and I feel lighter already. I'm popping almonds and walnuts whenever I get peckish, but what I really want is some fruit--bananas, figs, and some (flat)peaches. Also, I'll have to get more tea--it's warm drinks season, after all! (Can you tell that I'm excited for Autumn?)
From now until the end of the month I'm planning and outlining for NaNoWriMo. I've attempted it before but never got much traction because I couldn't juggle school and writing. It was too much for my brain to switch between the two. Now, I finally get to focus on writing. Super excited.
Mindset. Focusing on changing my mindset regarding certain things. Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." I can't afford to 'not feel like [doing] it' because I'm working on a time table. I've got to be diligent. Rest is good, but I've been bummy. Whenever I get--not feel!--bummy, I remember Pastor Jerry Dirman's message "The Sluggard", and Proverbs 26:14. OUCH.
Enough of my own thoughts... Emptying it out, and putting good stuff in. The WORD of GOD. It's transformative and informative.
When death dies, all things live. Because Christ is alive, I have a hope and future.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Poetics: Some Point Between Here and There
Some Point Between Here and There
JG 2.914
I imagined a perfect life with you.
We would live in a loft;
I would prepare breakfast,
and you would gladly make tea.
I would prepare breakfast,
and you would gladly make tea.
A prayer for the day ahead,
and a kiss goodbye.
I'd be someone important at work,
and so would you.
We would live comfortably.
Then I realize,
This is my dream.
I realize--I don't even know you.
You say you want to live out of the city.
What?
You say you don't drink caffeine--
Since when?
You prefer hard labor instead of the officework.
Okay.
I am jarred.
I am repentant.
and a kiss goodbye.
I'd be someone important at work,
and so would you.
We would live comfortably.
Then I realize,
This is my dream.
I realize--I don't even know you.
You say you want to live out of the city.
What?
You say you don't drink caffeine--
Since when?
You prefer hard labor instead of the officework.
Okay.
I am jarred.
I am repentant.
Confused.
Did I take the time to know you?
Were we on the same page?
Did we have the same conversations?
I'm blindsided, and so are you.
What happened?
Really, what happened?
You had another vision--
Another dream all together.
Your personal values,
Your mores,
Your ethics,
beautiful in their own right,
are so different from mine.
I didn't get to know you well enough.
Yet, this isn't disappointing.
We are at a stall.
Actually, there is no 'we'.
There's you.
There's me.
Paths that were once parallel--
Did I take the time to know you?
Were we on the same page?
Did we have the same conversations?
I'm blindsided, and so are you.
What happened?
Really, what happened?
You had another vision--
Another dream all together.
Your personal values,
Your mores,
Your ethics,
beautiful in their own right,
are so different from mine.
I didn't get to know you well enough.
Yet, this isn't disappointing.
We are at a stall.
Actually, there is no 'we'.
There's you.
There's me.
Paths that were once parallel--
never really having converged,
and all the more diverging.
Thank you for being you.
However, I still like what I see.
However, I still like what I see.
Poetics in the mind. There'll be more posted.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
We all have 20/20 vision in hindsight; emotional ties
TL;DR: I'm a mess right now. Can't even make sense of stuff.
I'm cutting emotional ties with people and certain things. I feel like in the last two years I've cut out more and more people. It hurts--no lie, but I think I need to save myself before I can help someone else. This is difficult.
The imperative is to cleanse. I didn't think I had this much junk in my life, and the more I dig, the more I realize "wow, I suck". My hope is that I remember and realize that all I have and am is by God's grace.
I feel like asking "what now, God?" because I'm literally being stripped of everything. There is so much time I would have used for x, y, z, etc; and now it's open schedule. The hardest thing, actually, is filling that time with something wholesome.
I feel sorely lacking compared to last year. But I think its cause I let myself get lax in being vigilant that things God cleared out of my life started to creep back, or that I didn't fully give stuff away.
It may be a whole host of other things.
I'm just rambling now.
Friday, March 28, 2014
The Fiercest Fables: lies I tell myself
The title of this post, "Fiercest Fables" actually comes from a story a friend of mine wrote (who got it from a Bon Iver song, I don't know which one). It has to do with the lies we tell ourselves. There are just some things we believe we have control over, or mastered, but in truth, we've sorely underestimated its grip or ramification.
My mother, in a much more verbose manner, once told me a story about this village woman. The lesson of the story was "covering your head, but leaving your butt exposed". We make certain provisions for somethings, yet completely miss the glaring warnings for other things, and lo-and-behold, we are in danger.
Sometimes its more telling of our nature by what we do for the sake or in the face of curiosity, than what we seemingly constantly (regimentally/characteristically) do.
Where am I going with this?
Addiction.
I am sure if I am truly honest with myself, I can acknowledge that somewhere or at some time, I've picked up something, an interest, a hobby or habit that grew into something that got married into my personality and character. All are destructive in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.
Again, all addictions [idols, gods, propensities] are destructive [to self] in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.
What am I addicted to?
Answer: many things.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Your breath inside my lungs
The past few weeks have been a challenge emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There were things I needed to work through and am still working through, and that's half the fun, I guess. I've decided to create a hedge of protection for my own sanity and purity.
My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".
That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.
So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.
Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.
Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.
TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.
My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".
That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.
So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.
Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.
Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.
TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The scent of poetry
I had purchased my first Moleskine (lined, large size, reporter's style) in a university store a block down from Columbia University. My best friend and I had just finished taking our first SAT exam when we wandered into the store dazed, confused, and hungry. We were from Queens, why we took the SAT in Columbia was because someone in our group of friends decided to be funny. They wanted to take it in Columbia, therefore everyone was roped into going--there were other places where we could have gone, seriously, but we jumped into the nonsensical bandwagon because we were all scared to take it 'alone'.
Digressing. The notebook, thereafter, became my book for poetry. From its use, I wrote my most 'serious' poems therein a few times a week. From 3 May 2005 to 5 December 2006, I wrote constantly. The last entry before today, that is, was 13 December 2008. The May 3rd poem doesn't have a title, but it was a prayer of sorts. While the December 5th poem is titled "Let Me Go". The poem written 2008 is untitled, but was also a challenge by a teacher. It was an introspection about the "shock that the world goes on after someone passes."
In all this time, the little book still smells like Marc Jacob's "Blush". I had peppered its pages with the sample of the perfume I had gotten from Macy's. Sadly, the perfume is discontinued, but I'm glad the scent still lingers in my little book.
Anyway, today's poem is titled "Spaces" because I have been musing upon the things or people who take up my heart. The most natural line of thought is a guy, but I don't really feel for anyone right now. Then there's the religious experience, where the person who occupies my heart is Jesus.
I'm going to stew on the poem. It's written in my little "psalm" book, along with my the rest of its lot.
I'm not scared of burning passionately for something anymore. That thought just popped up as I looked at my water bottle. The particles of my very diluted phytonutrient shake are suspended in the water I refilled. I think its sad for some reason. I don't want to just be suspended... moving particles. Agitation. Excitation? Intensity? Yes.
I would be really bad--or good?--at word association games.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Recalibrating myself
I am sitting in my room taking stock of the first 22 days of the New Year. To my left I posted up a Sunday program insert from my church. It reads "How I will live my life differently in 2014". The message that Sunday, the first Sunday I got back up here in Cambridge and of the New Year, was about change, or something like it. My pastor stressed that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Which leads to the challenge aforementioned.
Taking stock of all the positive things first. I have been writing and painting. I also have been going to school. I was able to travel to NY for my grandfather. I was able to fix up my room, and do laundry--no easy feat. I've been good, and eating in. I've been eating more fruits and drinking water. I'm not sick.
Taking stock of all the "misses". I have not been punctual with assignments. I have not been reading class readings as closely. I haven't been spending quality time with God. I've been Tumblr stalking. I haven't done chores. I honestly thought I was going to have more negatives on this list. Interesting. Perhaps, those are just feelings or expectations I place on myself that bog me down. I don't know, I'll have to think about those feelings I haven't listed.
I know that this year I am just trying to be me, to accept myself as I am, no matter how disappointed I feel with myself. If I really look at the bright side--optimism isn't one of my strong suits, I'm...accomplished? Suddenly, I remember my professor mentioning that social comparison is not beneficial. It's hard not to do here in this culture of academia.
I remember my sister's message last Sunday. I have to get rid of the diversions. I am awash with them, apparently. As I write this, I listen to the hymn "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus", and the line "and the things on Earth will grow strangely dim" hits the spot. Last year the only thing that upheld me from the crazy vibes I was feeling was Jesus. It was the only thing that made sense. Now, I know and understand. It's not bothering me as much, but I have to come to terms and rectify how I feel about certain people, which is easier said than done.
Since scaling back my life, I think I have to scale back the things that occupy my time. I have to stop multi-tasking so I can focus and not lose precious milliseconds, which do add up. I know I can do it. The "things of Earth" have to grow dim, because these things aren't of eternal value.
Monday, December 23, 2013
"Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say" King Lear, Shakespeare
I'm really not the type to make New Years Resolutions because I know I will fail, but mostly: forget. I have, however, since 2007, whilst in the company of 25,000+ youth in St. Louis/Urbana, Missouri have had yearly character reflections. I remember that year it was tenacity. I had chronicled those character reflections on LJ, and perhaps, Facebook. I remember having studied compassion, love/warmth?, trust, joy, and temperance (for the last two years!). Yes, temperance is a big thing, moderation is chalked up in there as well.
With that in mind, I am thinking of this coming year's character reflection. I learned many things this year about myself; about my abilities, and how far my journey with, within, and toward God has grown. I also learned to put my money where my mouth is, and failed at something purposefully. There is a rationale to this, and this exercise is definitely multifaceted, but this one is what I feel comfortable sharing: failure comes the hardest when we least expect it, so why not allow yourself to? This thought stems from a sermon I heard about change. There are two ways to change, one in which wisdom guides you to make changes out of your own volition, or where foolishness drags you kicking and screaming through the mire to learn your lesson. I prefer the prior, always the prior.
Digressing, I know through Psychological study readings, that we have bias in perception about ourselves and our past. We distance the bad -- "But that was what I felt/knew/learnt about myself X-time ago... and this is what I know/feel/learn now." (There was a funny comic my professor included in the lecture slide). So, what about this year's character reflection? What will I be focusing on? I want to be able to say: responsibilities. I'm too scared to say righteousness or graciousness, because those things court a steadfastness that I don't think I'm willing to commit to. Perhaps, commitment? Maybe I need to learn to be wholly and truly committed to something. One of the lessons I learned--rather, remembered, is that I do not like putting all my eggs in the basket.
Commitment. I feel like I've tried to work this as a character reflection, though not officially, but I'm not entirely sure.
"Take pains; be perfect." Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare. "If you are faithful in the little things, you will be faithful in the large ones. But if you are dishonest in the little things, you won't be honest with the greater responsibilities." Luke 16:10, NLT.
At this point, I feel like I suck as a person because I have never been as faithful as I should be in the small things. I don't take things as seriously as they should be. Yes, I've a streak of irreverence, I admit to this. Alas, I must carry on.
Do we really change? I hope so.
That's the transformative power of Jesus at work.
With that in mind, I am thinking of this coming year's character reflection. I learned many things this year about myself; about my abilities, and how far my journey with, within, and toward God has grown. I also learned to put my money where my mouth is, and failed at something purposefully. There is a rationale to this, and this exercise is definitely multifaceted, but this one is what I feel comfortable sharing: failure comes the hardest when we least expect it, so why not allow yourself to? This thought stems from a sermon I heard about change. There are two ways to change, one in which wisdom guides you to make changes out of your own volition, or where foolishness drags you kicking and screaming through the mire to learn your lesson. I prefer the prior, always the prior.
Digressing, I know through Psychological study readings, that we have bias in perception about ourselves and our past. We distance the bad -- "But that was what I felt/knew/learnt about myself X-time ago... and this is what I know/feel/learn now." (There was a funny comic my professor included in the lecture slide). So, what about this year's character reflection? What will I be focusing on? I want to be able to say: responsibilities. I'm too scared to say righteousness or graciousness, because those things court a steadfastness that I don't think I'm willing to commit to. Perhaps, commitment? Maybe I need to learn to be wholly and truly committed to something. One of the lessons I learned--rather, remembered, is that I do not like putting all my eggs in the basket.
Commitment. I feel like I've tried to work this as a character reflection, though not officially, but I'm not entirely sure.
"Take pains; be perfect." Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare. "If you are faithful in the little things, you will be faithful in the large ones. But if you are dishonest in the little things, you won't be honest with the greater responsibilities." Luke 16:10, NLT.
At this point, I feel like I suck as a person because I have never been as faithful as I should be in the small things. I don't take things as seriously as they should be. Yes, I've a streak of irreverence, I admit to this. Alas, I must carry on.
Do we really change? I hope so.
That's the transformative power of Jesus at work.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Preparing for 2014
This year I will endeavor to:
Blog more: there was a time, probably during High School, when I blogged almost daily on Xanga. I have since abandoned, dare I say, deleted that blog and moved on to the Live Journal community. I didn't blog much about myself in LJ, but I did join comms for reading and interacting with brilliant people. I met one of my best friends there. Alas, that blog also went down.
I don't really hope for much with this new blog, I just hope to get off of Facebook--stop wasting time with inanities. I hope to post up substantial thoughts and pondering, I do love to ponder upon things. I usually blurb stuff on Twitter--who says one can't be poignant in 150 characters? I hope to post up more art work since it has been far too long since I did anything with my hands. I hope to post up more photographs, although I guess I have my Instagram for that. I hope to write more original works. Studying psychology hasn't really afforded me any insight to human behavior, but blessedly, it has afforded me the ability to understand my capacity to care, which says a lot.
I don't really know… I just want to post up parts of myself that I haven't let shine in a while. I know the statistic, only about 1% of people actually reply to a post
Get offline
Hug people
Go to museums: always a lovely guilty pleasure.
Express myself through art: painting, photography, and writing… I used to do a lot more things. It was a total lie when I convinced myself that I couldn't do art because of my studies. No, I just numbed out on Netflix, or Amazon Prime Instant.
Be more true: true to myself, true to people, true to the nature of compassion. Most especially, true to God.
So here's to the New Year. I will be suffering withdrawal, I think. But I that's understandable after I've spent the better part of the last decade plugged in. What is one year, right?
"Advance toward me, brethren."
Translation: Bring it.
Blog more: there was a time, probably during High School, when I blogged almost daily on Xanga. I have since abandoned, dare I say, deleted that blog and moved on to the Live Journal community. I didn't blog much about myself in LJ, but I did join comms for reading and interacting with brilliant people. I met one of my best friends there. Alas, that blog also went down.
I don't really hope for much with this new blog, I just hope to get off of Facebook--stop wasting time with inanities. I hope to post up substantial thoughts and pondering, I do love to ponder upon things. I usually blurb stuff on Twitter--who says one can't be poignant in 150 characters? I hope to post up more art work since it has been far too long since I did anything with my hands. I hope to post up more photographs, although I guess I have my Instagram for that. I hope to write more original works. Studying psychology hasn't really afforded me any insight to human behavior, but blessedly, it has afforded me the ability to understand my capacity to care, which says a lot.
I don't really know… I just want to post up parts of myself that I haven't let shine in a while. I know the statistic, only about 1% of people actually reply to a post
Get offline
Hug people
Go to museums: always a lovely guilty pleasure.
Express myself through art: painting, photography, and writing… I used to do a lot more things. It was a total lie when I convinced myself that I couldn't do art because of my studies. No, I just numbed out on Netflix, or Amazon Prime Instant.
Be more true: true to myself, true to people, true to the nature of compassion. Most especially, true to God.
So here's to the New Year. I will be suffering withdrawal, I think. But I that's understandable after I've spent the better part of the last decade plugged in. What is one year, right?
"Advance toward me, brethren."
Translation: Bring it.
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