Altitude Sickness - Remembering Vision

It would seem that when all the provisions and blessings align, something comes to try and steal that peace, joy, and praise. Recently, with regards to work and my living situation for the next 6 months and year, respectively, an easy and divine transition took place. However, in tandem, death, and subsequent grief, and negative feelings have been pervading.

I had suffered from anxiety for a very long time, and ever since God healed me, I haven't had any attacks, nor will I ever again. I sometimes lose my peace and joy, and allow low-grade anxiety to pervade, but I know that only happens when I'm being petulant or am straying away from God's will. So, here's the tea! Cause let's be real, I'm always up to something and that's not always a good thing.


I'm finally going to address the thorn in my side because I'm annoyed by it and myself for allowing it to linger. I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks. Grief, guilt, and shame, prove to be a harrowing combination. Grief is the least of these, thankfully. My grandmother's passing--although sad, is a blessing of repose for her. She's in perpetual rest now, and no matter how sad I feel about her absence, I would not want to take heaven away from her. So, as it goes, I do not wish her back in the land of the living. This emotion is cut and dry for all its intents and purposes. Carrying on.

Guilt and shame; a toxic mix. I don't do regret, and I refuse to call these two the symptom of regret. I'm self auditing--its the latter end of 2018 after all! I am being harsh on myself for the time, relationships, opportunities, and commodities I have mismanaged this year thus far. I could have stewarded my time better. I could have been a better relationally with people. I could have taken better risks or focused my attention on things of import. I could have better invested my resources.

But I didn't.

The mentorship program at church was the only commitment I feel right about. There is no shadow of doubt in my mind about it. Nine months of encouragement, paradigm shift, inner healing, unloading of baggage, and processing--intense and very much needed.

The cost of this investment is great. I've broken my heart repeatedly. Curbed my wants and needs--pruned myself so as to produce better "fruit".


Two summers ago, I was at Camp and I saw a vision of Heaven. That whole summer, even after camp, I kept seeing visions. Mind, I'm not that kind of person, I dream, so this was out of the ordinary. But the things I saw fundamentally changed me and began this process.

Last summer, I saw my future self. She was incandescent. Mind, I've always wanted to exhibit Christ's resplendence, but that image of the future burned into me irrevocably. I'm always careful to not make something an idol, but seeing her was like being privy to what Christ sees in me.

What the Devil cannot destroy, he will distract. Let me tell you there have been distractions left and right. People, places, and things--you name it, it was sent my way in the last eight months.

Suddenly, the hymn Trust and Obey comes to mind. That was I had to do. Matthew 10:35-39 became all too real because what I was experiencing and going through those closest to me couldn't fully comprehend. It was too nuanced-as I drew up my boarders, forming my own boundaries. At times, even I couldn't comprehend why I had to walk away; say no, and walk the path of resistance. To be called out into the water-- I was living out Oceans by Hillsong.


Guilt and shame, two emotions that make absolutely no sense to me at all, has been gnawing and stealing my rest. The 'could's' and 'should's' would have produced a different outcome. *However, I believe these two feelings stem from me causing hurt in others, by way of action or inadvertently. In part, I feel very culpable to the strain, and dare I say, damage, my decisions have resulted. I do realize that I cannot please everyone and anyone. In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm walking rightly. The Hand of Providence is present. Redemption and reconciliation is part of God's plan and I'm not about to force anything or resurrect something that isn't part of my future.

Through the testing and trials of my faith--hey James, thanks for the heads up (James 1:2-4)--endurance and perseverance is being made whole. As another mentor reminded me, "you are tenacious; you don't--won't--let anything stop you from getting what you know God wants for you." While it hurts to know things could have been different, I'm glad to be here and now.



James 1:2-4 (Amplified) "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking nothing."

* Addendum

NaNoWriMo day 4 - Plot and Trip to Boston/Cambridge/Lowell

Today I didn't hit my target word count as I was traveling. Last night I only had 1.5 hours of sleep as my mom came home from the Philippines and then I was packing for my business trip. I missed my bus because there was construction. Thankfully the business meeting happens tomorrow morning!

Whatever I wrote today was a continuation of the characters that are falling in love. It's tricky because I want to "word vomit" all the things inside my head but it's jarring and that doesn't do the characters justice. However, I may be wrong in this. Nano is about writing quantity over quality. So I will try to carve out time tomorrow to finish this set and move on to the next vignette.

But really, young couple in love~~~

As for my trip, I am in Massachusetts for a Shaklee meeting with my business partner and her mom. Her mom is a senior representative. I am thankful for this opportunity to watch her in her element.

I was able to meet with my friend for dinner. We had B.Good burger which oddly enough has one of the best SALADS ever. The whole point of the company is sustainability and local food. I am addicted to their Southwestern salad, but today I got the Fall fruit salad, which is a savory salad--not the sweet kind. It's got pears, apples, figs, and candied walnuts on a bed of rocket. Love it!

I also go to eat my favorite ice cream, Toscanini's. My favorite flavors in order: Green tea, Earl Grey, Bourbon Vienna Finger, and Saffron. Today, I ordered the Bourbon Vienna fingers because Green tea and Earl Grey are staples.

Yay for old haunts!

Colossians 3:23

NaNoWriMo day 3 - Flow, and Falling in Love

Today, I didn't have much time or energy to write. I think I only wrote about 400+ words. I'm okay with this.

Succinctly, my mother is home from the Philippines and so we readied the house for her. My sister and I divided and conquered cleaning the house. I also did other errands.

Anyway, on the writing front, I was so excited writing the little bit I did. I had this section in mind since Wednesday. I was smiling ear to ear for my characters. One of my main protagonists is falling in love with a secondary character. It's endearing.

My sister's best friend walked in on me as I was squeeing with glee as I was typing. I love it! These are the scenes that push the story on.

I'm headed to Massachusetts in a few hours so I'm going to write as much as I can before sleep and then head out.


Song of Solomon 3:5

NaNoWriMo Excitement and Plans for Next Weekend

I was planning to sleep late tonight so I get officially sign into the NaNo website at midnight. However, I've been having poor sleep the last few nights due to the excitement. Haha, I've tuckered myself out.

I figured that I wanted to be a "Pantser" which is to let my imagination take reign of the universe I'll be creating. My NaNo planning was all logistical. I've set my writing schedule and filled up on snacks.

I did do some minor character and plot planning, but I'm not sticking to it as I really want my experience to be organic. I have a post-it with a few character names. I've got a post-it list with character themes I want to write about. I also decided the rough breakdown of story/vignette length for each character.

All decided, however, I'm not going to hold fast on anything. I am just going to write as much as possible within the next few days, hoping that my weekend in Cambridge, Massachusetts will be restorative.

The out of town trip is a business trip, much like my trip to Westchester a few weeks back.

Psalm 100:5

The Playlist in my Brain

It's a weird combination this week. I think it's being sick (again) and being cooped up inside the apartment for a freaking week. But really, I've been in a noir mood. I've been painting so its alright.

First:

I can't find the lyrics online since the new album "Real" by Years & Years has yet to drop (Feb. 17). The MV itself is not my type of cinematography but the song really speaks to me. It's catchy and the lyrics do justice to what I'm feeling emotionally.


Second:

I have no idea why this is in my brain.

Third:

Again, the lyrics: "You only need the light when it's burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow, only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you've been high when you're feeling low only hate the road when you're missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go." This one actually is connected to the memories of Boston before I moved up here. They were childhood memories of teasing; peals of laughter, and exploring. Nostalgia, and sentiments, but I can't mix the past and future. So, I'm not going to make new memories with someone else, here in Boston, because I want a clean break when I leave after graduation.

Fourth:

A touch of oldie, if The Cranberries, a 90's band can be considered an oldie. I mean, if Nirvana can be considered as such, then, that goes for the Cranberries too, right? Anyway, this one isn't so much the lyrics that speak to me but the sound of chanting. Haha.

Fifth:

Nothing like psychedelic rock. I like the breathy "ha, ha, ha's". It's all about sound, this one.


I did mention the songs were weird...and a touch melancholic. Woops.

Welcome, New Year

I just wanted to have a quick post before I started school--intensive J-term.

Coming back to my apt in Cambridge, I was quite happy to be back in my own space, and since I feel like I've de-cluttered my brain, I don't feel as stifled. I have high hopes. A lot of things were healed inside (and out) in the two months I was gone. Thank God.

I signed up for Saatchi Online, which is an online gallery. At the moment, I don't have anything to upload. I bought a new easel which, thankfully, comes with an "introductory" set of 5 canvases, basic acrylic paint set, and brushes. Yay! I dusted off my art stuff and made space so it's more accessible. Soon, I will be able to make something. In the mean time, I'm doodling/practicing stuff on my sketchbook and phone.

I am still debating whether to get my floor done, that is, refinished. I should get one that. Haha!

So, yeah, J-term. It would be the first time, in a very long time, that I will be attending school four times a week. I think the last time I was in 4x a week was around 2007.

Also, as for writing, I was able to go 4,700+/5,000 words during my first writing exercise. I decided to cut the story short, totally abrupt, because somewhere around 3,000 words I realized that I had laid the plot thickly and it was more of a 10,000 word short story or ficlet. Hmn, I will have to revisit that story and expand when I am finished with the 10,000 word short story exercise.

All this practice is a bit taxing, but enjoyable. It's been 4 years since I painted/sketched/etc, and a good 2 or 3 years since I wrote anything of substance. (Not that poetry isn't substantial!) Even longer, actually, since I wrote an original piece--not fanfiction. Flexing mental dexterity. Oh, yeah!

Here's to a new day~