My Body

When I woke up yesterday, I immediately thought of places to go and eat. Nice fancy places. But as I lay in bed and recounted the stuff I wanted to accomplish this year and --gasp!-- into my 30's I was like, "Nah, I'm going to climb some shiii!"

Climb I did.

There's a Brooklyn Boulders (Queensbridge location) on my commute to Evangel. At least on my subway (and walking) commute. I've really wanted to go since discovering it.

I've climbed rock walls before, a 35-foot wall with harness, and a few 5-foot walls bouldering, so it wasn't too new. But that was in my teens and early 20's. My physical and mental strength have changed.

As a kid, I didn't take care of my body, eating junk food--American and Filipino, and drinking soda to excess. I remember eating nothing but Watermelon Airheads one summer. That was stupid and dangerous, I realize now. I wasn't any better as a teen, I was sleep deprived 80%, cranky, and emotionally unstable. I had an eating disorder as well. I'd eat and eat and get it out...

I resolved to be kinder to my body in my 20's. That I did. I established a better relationship with sleep, food, and body.

People often say that the body "heads south" starting 30. That may be true, but I think that it's a good challenge to take up and maintain. I feel like I'm finally in this headspace where I am kind to my body. I don't want to keep abusing it because eventually, it won't be mine, well, not really.

Eventually, it will hold another life (or lives?) and will be a guardian and nourishment for these lives.

How does bouldering factor into it? Well, it's a novel experience. It's proof that my mind and body are stronger now. It's not where I want it to be, but small victories count.

I've got a vision for where I want to be as a person. I'm loving this little adventure already.



2 Corinthians 5:17

Nah, I'm Good.

This morning, as I was on the bus to work, I was looking for tickets for my summer travel. I thought about visiting an old "friend". This friend and I had been in sporadic correspondence in the last ten years. Often, conversations are loaded or empty; there's no in between. Which is unfortunate because this person is brilliant in their own right-- we just can't end a conversation without some kind of emotional twist. Whatever.

Anyway, a quick thought flit through my mind: "I should visit". So engrossed was I in this endeavor that I was really ready to book my bus tickets. However--HOWEVER!--all of a sudden something clicked in mind.

"I'm good right here. Here and now... I am really good."

Perhaps this relationship just ends into nothingness. I'm totally okay with that.


On to other things, I haven't felt as light as I do today, in weeks. And quite possibly, months. Something just lifted yesterday evening. I feel so light.

Thank God for His mercy and grace. I feel so at peace when everything is so unsure.

Proverbs 3:5

Here and Now

The countdown to my birthday is ever alarming?--for the lack of a better term. It is the last birthday of my 20's, and thus, once I hit that magical year, the countdown to my 3rd decade commences. As always, introspection comes part-and-parcel.

The last year has been a daring one. I have learned to stretch in faith, and boy has it been crazy for me. There have been periods of waiting, then spurts of intense activity, and the tapering off of intensity, but greater activity.

People worry about my future for me. They worry about my career. My place--whether I will grow roots in a certain area. I can only shrug.

The last decade has changed me. I used to plan everything in my life. Dread the work it entailed, but planned it neatly, nonetheless. But dropping out of Pharmacy School; taking a year and a half to actually seek God for the next step, and doing what He said, has been an adventure.

I was so scared to trust God with my future. I was so scared to let go. Now, I've learned that letting it go is best. There are things I don't need in my life and I gladly relinquish that to Him. There are things I can't handle, and I gladly hand that over. I've learned to simply do what I need, and that's that.

As I count down the days to my 29th birthday, I count down the crazy things that have happened in the last 10 years. My personal growth; my wonder and wanderings, and the grace that has been poured out.

Below is a quote from the sermon of Pastor Dharius Daniels (from Stay Woke, the one I talked about previous post)

"You started sensing the rising to an allergic reaction to mediocrity and apathy."

Excellence and clarity are mine.

Proverbs 31:31

Stay Woke

Referring back to the video I watched/listened two days ago by that artist, he expounded that we often take on bad habits. Likewise, it is often the bane of our existence to undo those bad habits, then re-learn new and better habits.

In one of my psychology classes, we read this book (written by the professor teaching the course) called, "Immunity to Change". Neurologically, the human brain is really good at keeping certain behaviors. Some behaviors, we have actively incorporated into our lives, and others we have passively incorporated by proximity to those we spend most time with. All this contributes to our immunity against changes.

Safe to say, I am not a proponent of coerced behavior modification.

Anyway, as I am going through this shift, I am taking stock--as I usually do--of my life and things that were added, and things that need to be taken out. I've already "weeded" out a small portion of my belongings. I think its time to get ruthless about it.

(That Marie Kondo book is looking mighty appealing, but I don't need any more books on the shelf for now!)

I'm currently listening to a sermon by Dharius Daniels, called "Stay Woke". It's nothing new, but being reminded is always great.

"It's one thing to want mind renewal, but it's another to be ready for the renewal."

Am I ready for revelation?

Bible Study - Apologetics: On Free Will and Choice

Today, we had a lovely and lively discussion about Biblical foundations. There were questions and answers, and there were things to further seek God for clarity.

One of the topics was about Angels having free will. I, in my limited study, do not know the whole picture, nor am I fluent in philosophical and theological jargon. So I will seek and pray.

Thus far, all I know is that there is a difference between free will and free choice. Words and how they are defined could help shed light on the matter. But mostly, it is to the Holy Spirit to inspire and teach.

This is the crux of the matter. It is to seek God and find out his truth. To read, seek, delight, and become enlightened.

Proverbs 25:2

Trying to Understand this Election Cycle

There is too much noise. There are too many platitudes spoken. Too many empty promises.

I am a conservative with liberal leanings. That makes me on the moderate side of things. There are issues I am steadfast in my opinion, and other issues--some important to others--that I am on the gray.

I stand for life, but I believe we all have a choice.

I believe in foreign aid, but I also believe America needs to fix itself.

I believe that both of the candidates are self-serving. 

I believe the people for either side are myopic in their stances at best.

I'm praying for this country. I suggest we all do too.

1 Timothy 2:1-3

Changes - Endeavors and Lesson Planning

Yesterday, I went to my old High School to get paperwork done. I was to look over the workbooks I'd need to order to tutor ESL to international students. I met a fellow teacher and got to observe her and the class.

Today, I did the same thing. However, I focused on observing another teacher. There were differences in style between the two I observed. That was comforting. Seeing them handle their class gets me excited for my own! I can't wait for next week!

Anyway, as I chatted with the teachers, I got a sense that they, too, are feeling the new-ness of their position. The program we are a part of services the high school, and this year is the first time the program is offered during the school hours (it was previously an after school program). It's exciting as I find that we are malleable to the changes.

I think that's why people find it so hard to change, or accept change. The unknown is terrifying. Being unsure is terrifying. I suddenly remember a conversation I had with a guidance counselor in HS. I remember saying that I was so afraid of the future, that I'd rather relish the past.

I've grown up since then, and one of the lessons I've learned is to be excited for the future. When you hold on to the past, you don't see the future as brilliant, you often see it as daunting. But when you embrace the future, it's liberating because of all the potential.

I'm juggling the new position as a part-time ESL tutor with the new business. This is all new. This is exciting. But I'm getting to meet cool people. I'm creating great relationships with brilliant people. It reminds me of when I first started Harvard.

I remember then, I was so scared to sound stupid. But now, I know that everyone is learning something new. We're all sharing the same experience. Those who bring the negative energy only stifle themselves. When we have positive energy, we can share that, and together we all grow.

Super psyched for what the rest of the month unfolds. Further, what the end of the year entails. Yay!

2 Chronicles 16:9

Healthy, Slow, Minimalist Living

I think that the culture today is the exact opposite of the abovemebtioned. We are living an unhealthy, fast/busy, yet unproductive, over indulgent, malcontented lifestyles. And if anyone doesn't want to participate in that, they're branded as a "hippy", or "eco-snob".

Spiritually, I want to learn to be content, for contentment is a great gain. I want to be content with myself, my circumstances, my living, my posessions. I even want to venture out and say I want to learn to be more content with my relationships. I should be cultivating stronger bonds with people instead of seeking the next interesting person.

Hmm, all good things. Still haven't quite thought it through.

1 Timothy 6:6

Cleaning - part 2

In my last post, I talked about minimalist style and transforming my table/vanity into a work desk. It turned out harder than anticipated. After clearing the papers that had accumulated over the summer, among other things, namely change, receipts--I cleared space in my shelf to put my makeup tower.

What I was not prepared for was feeling unnerved that I was taking apart my "battle station", and moving it elsewhere. See, my makeup is organized in the Muji acrylic storage boxes. It is prominently displayed on my desk, next to the vanity lighted mirror. When I moved the tower onto the shelf beside it, I became aware of the empty.

I stared at that empty space for a good 20 minutes, trying to place a finger on why I felt vexed. It rattled me so much, I just went to bed. I slept quite late (or early in the morning), passing my bed time.

Anyway, feel that my desk is bare. But I am ready to accomplish great things. As I said previously, I always felt that if I let go of something, the energy otherwise used for that one thing can be transferred into something else. I feel that way with space--which is probably why I was so vexed about the empty space. I had spent such a great deal of money and time getting my battle station just right only to have to move it...

My vanity is now my workspace. It is the designated area to conduct work. It is a blank canvas used for productivity and efficiency. Yay!

Habakuk 2:2

Dreaming of You - Convoluted Thoughts

The title is appropriate, seeing that today the Selena MAC (cosmetics) campaign began. Already sold out, and admittedly, I am quite nervous that I won't get the lipstick of that name. Sigh. More on makeup in another post.

I wanted to talk about the dream I had last night. I woke up with a start, feeling awful. I was mad and sad all the same time.

The setting of the dream was at Camp (Ashland, VA).  In the dream, it seemed like I lived there, but I was moving out that day. Some guy was helping me pack up and get all my stuff sorted, but after my possessions were in the van, I went around to say goodbye. He was following me diligently as I said my farewells. However, I was looking for a person.

This person I am looking for, "C", is someone I know. In real life, our general relationship is hard to describe. It's a case of misunderstandings, but great rapport, mutual affection--there's a lot of history and disappointments on both ends. I acknowledge it's not the best.

Anyway, in the dream, I was seeking "C" out to say goodbye. I was searching all over Camp, and in the last possible moment, right before I absolutely had to leave, I see him. From across the room, I ran toward him to give him an embrace. I hugged him tight, and then let go. He then told me to run to the van.

The guy who had diligently followed and helped me pack was called elsewhere as I opened the door to the passenger van taking me to the airport. The van was full of people who I was close to and strangers along for the ride to the airport. I called out the people I wasn't close to, asking them to leave the van if they had other motives in being there--namely, they wanted to join in the pre-flight meal we customarily have as a family (yes, this is a real life thing we do almost every time someone leaves!).

As the van pulls out of Camp, I call "C" telling him, "It's not too late to join us to go to the airport. There's space [in the van]." He replied, "I'm sorry, I'd like to but can't. I'm sorry timings never work out..."

I am distraught, and I wake up from my dream.

I woke up feeling angry with my(dream)self for not noticing the devotion of the other gentleman--the one who helped me pack and who diligently stood by my side saying good bye. Yet, I was also sad that I had spent so much time looking to and for someone who didn't feel I was worth the same amount of energy.

Whether this is a true representation (or devolution) of my relationship with "C", I'm not sure. But surely, I think I can believe that timing has, and will probably never be, right. How sad I am about this I'm not entirely sure.

I am a firm believer of letting negativity go. Yet, grey areas exist and "C" is there. Complicated enough to hurt, yet positive enough to inspire.

Proverbs 2:2

Relief - Falling into Place

Today is a good day although the weather seems contrary. I've finally submitted the last pieces of paperwork for the teaching job, and I had my first order for a Shaklee turnaround! Happy dance!

The walk toward my goal is long, but today is something to celebrate because God is good. I'm a firm believer that victories, no matter how small, should be acknowledged and celebrated. The adage 'fortune favors the bold' has been in mind lately, and I can't help but think that patience and prayers through the last few weeks have lead me here. Seemingly insignificant, but I cannot help but think of the Jesus and his parable of the mustard seed. 

A friend slept over last night, but before sleeping, we were talking (as I did the dishes). I was talking about my activities the last few weeks, and what I'm doing with the time I have for myself. I've also shared the renewed passion I have for mentoring, and how I'm finally working out my ministry.

She mentioned that couldn't help but smile as I recounted the last few weeks. And in addition, other close friends have noticed how 'chill' I am with all these changes. I always attribute the peace to the prayers.

A few posts below, I mentioned that I am interested in the slow living--living intently--and that the philosophy of one of my favorite chef's is "Time is an ingredient". I've been through circumstances that have stretched my faith these past few years. I'm just learning to rest and change my flow.

Things are settling down, and now the praying and the planning these few weeks can take effect. Soon more victories, in different forms, will come. I can't wait to celebrate those too.

Hebrews 12:2

Sunrise at Burj Khalifa observation deck

On Healing - A Journey & Encouragement

Last year, about this time, I was hired full-time by my previous job. However, two weeks into training, I hurt my foot, specifically my toe, and couldn't walk. I was embarrassed and angry with myself.

While on medical leave, I was just angry and terrible to myself. I felt stupid, and frustrated that something so silly kept me from working. I was embarrassed because I had just started in that department. I kept praying for healing and was frustrated that it didn't happen instantaneously.

However, one evening, as I lounged with my foot propped up, I felt something inside. I heard the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I felt my heart changing.

See, our body is the Temple of God; He resides within us, ready to commune with Him and do His work. However, we often neglect it too. I, in my frustration, was cursing my own body for not healing quickly. I was harboring negativity about the situation. The nudge of the Spirit caused me to see this.

If we are to speak life to others, we should speak life to ourselves. "Death and life is in the power of the tongue," Proverbs 18:21, so calling ourselves ugly, fat, worthless, and broken, is profaning the Temple of God. It is contrary to everything He has made us to be. 

So, at that point, I repented for the awful way I spoke to myself. I renounced all the anger inside. I renounced insecurity for good measure. Then, I spoke the promises of God. I am His righteousness. I am free. I am redeemed. I am healed. I am loved. I am accepted.

To this, I have learned to treat my body right. I try to get good quality sleep. I try to eat healthy. I try to exercise. I try to stay away from habits or actions that may cause old injuries to get agitated. However, I've got to move away from 'try' to 'do'. 

I challenge anyone reading: Repent for seemingly innocuous words/descriptions--"I'm fat", "I'm ugly", "I'm stupid", "I'm bad at...", "I don't know any better..." This is not who you are or who you're meant to be. You're meant to have an abundant life--and fat means you're abundantly blessed with food! Working out may be necessary, but you're blessed with sneakers to run, or money for a gym membership! Accept the fullness of His Grace in Jesus--accept that yes, we're not perfect, but we are unique for a purpose. Our experiences and lessons are nuggets of heaven to share with others.

God gives (multiple) second chances. He allows us to live life, and when we focus on this blessing; we see His goodness. We start seeing the grander plan. We see order from all the chaos of the past and present. We see a clearer vision of a better future.

James 1:17

The Dreamer - Keeping the indomitable spirit

In Middle School, my best friend once told me that her dad gave insight about her friends. He had mentioned specific characteristics about each one of us, there was five of us that (often) hung out together, but three were tight knit. I often revisit this insight.

He had said, "[J] is a dreamer. She has her head in the clouds, and sometimes she may need someone to keep her grounded." I remember receiving that insight negatively. Was it bad to have my head in the clouds? Was it bad that I'd need someone to bring me back to the ground? In hindsight, it was my insecurities as a tween that shaded this lovely insight negatively.

In reaction to that, I closed my heart up. I focused on being "logical", "linear", "intelligent"--thinking that being a "dreamer" wasn't intelligent! I would only focus my whimsical attributes in art or writing. I grew mean spirited because I thought I'd need to be acerbic and witty. It wasn't my best friend's dad's fault, it was my own--I'd made myself miserable by denying a part of me.

Fast forward to my young adult development: I did away with all that heaviness and darkness. Thank God. It was a process unfurling the negativity; stripping away the heaviness, and being true. I mean, I'm still sarcastic, and of course witty, but that's part of my winsome personality.

More recently, while working at my previous job, I felt all the more convicted to not let anyone else take my joy away. As part of my personal testimony, I must spread the joy and peace inside. I was saved from my own dark soul and mind, and replacing that was Grace from Jesus. 

Tangent: my salvation prayer was simple--"God, take away the darkness in my soul."

Digressing, at work, I loved to talk with people, and one coworker, specifically, enjoyed our talks. We were of like mind, academics stuck in corporate. We would banter; ponder statements, and talk about art and literature. One of the nicest things he said about me was, "...I like you, 'ya know? You've a touch of whimsy. We need that in this place." 

I've learned that this whimsy; that I, as a dreamer, need not keep it bottled up. Yes, it takes more energy to be ernest, honest, and happy. And yes, people can take that transparency as vulnerability--weakness, but it's not. It takes far greater courage to love forthrightly. It takes more courage to keep on dreaming. It takes creativity to learn how to navigate the broken world. 

I like art and literature. I like to listen to sad songs. I like to look at real estate postings for magnificent houses. I like to peruse the internet for First Class tickets to wherever. I like pretty things.

I love broken people. Broken people have such great potential. That's how God sees them, and that's how I choose to see them, too.

Hebrews 4:12

Time Management and the Curse of Flexibility

Time management: this is one of my many failings. I add that flexibility is a curse because, too often, it goes hand-in-hand with poor time management. And no, I don't believe there is such thing as a "work-life balance", but more on that in a bit.

It is ingrained in me to be 'flexible'. Whether it is a facet of the Filipino culture, or that it is heavily prized in my family culture, I am not certain. Personally, I treat it as a bad habit.

I have tried schedulers and calendars--not the same thing!--I'm a 'lister' so lists are good for me. But try as I might, I do not get to cross off everything on that list. It annoys me.

Case in point, yesterday evening (early this morning, rather) I was listing down what I needed to do for today. However, something happened when I woke up that needed attention. While that matter was important, I am now looking at my list. The will to accomplish it diminishes. 

However, I've got to learn to manage my 'work-life', seeing that I'm part-timing as a tutor/teacher, and I've a business to run. I've to learn to focus, prepare, and make contingencies. Honestly, I can plan but my intentions may not be right, therefore, what looks good on my list, I may not follow through. That statement makes little sense, but it does to me. 

Anyway, affirmations:  I will focus. I will do what is on my list. I want to do this.

As I wrote yesterday, Proverbs 16:9, I plan, but God fulfills. I'll just do my work and thank Him for the energy.

Psalms 103:1

"Excelsior!" A life change.

The word "excelsior" is Latin for "ever upward" and "still higher". It's on the state seal of New York--completely apropos. It also happens to be Stan Lee's catchphrase. To me, it's a dare.

Can I push myself to be better spiritually, mentally, and physically? Can I learn to face my battles efficiently, head-on, with a victorious mindset? Can I worry less about people's preconceived notions? The answer is, obviously, 'yes'. However, 'when?' is the more vexing question.

Some weeks ago, someone inspired me with a 'divine' word. That's nothing new since I'm always receiving or being told great words of wisdom and affirmations (prophetic words, so to speak). But the succeeding days, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I sat under a pine tree at work, and instead of eating lunch, I was praying. I was faced with a conundrum. Who I want to be is far grander than what my current position could give me. It wasn't out of ambition or entitlement, but rather, an illumination within. It asked a serious question--which had been asked before, but this time, instead of brushing it aside, I had the courage to answer it.

It leads me here. A new career path, a budding business, out of my depth (for the moment! Optimistically, obviously), and committing.

The committing is the hardest thing yet, to be frank. But that's part desperation, part hope, and wholly faith.

I hope to write blogs regularly again. Perhaps it would help others understand the journey I'm on now, and for me to externalize whatever it is I'm going through.

God's grace is suffice.
Proverbs 16:9

Prose: So Stay with Me; There's Nothing Like You and I

Background: I haven't been sleeping well, and it's my first night in a little while having dreams. However, I dreamt about saying my goodbyes. Melancholic prose commence!

So Stay with Me

It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.

As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.

Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.

So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.

Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.

You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.


There's Nothing Like You and I

She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.

It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...


-Fin-

There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers

and bonus:

Thoughts in TL;DR:

Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.

Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.

Every Entrance was an Exit Elsewhere

Yesterday (Monday) night was the final class for Drama. I'm sad to realize that next Monday evening I wouldn't be surrounded by really cool, warm, and kind people. It was a lovely journey to be a part of. I told my acting teacher last night, "I learned to access my feelings, commit to them, and follow through." To which he replied, "well that's true of everything we do, right?", indeed it is.

I had a late start this morning, which I'm quite annoyed about--I'll make due. Drinking tea, I thought about my stay here in Boston, the community I've been a part of--Grace Street/Revolution Church, and my previous/present? classmates. These thoughts actually began a few days ago when, in frustration, I started to pack. I took down most of the cards and letters people have sent/given me and tucked them away. Several are still up on the wall, I'll need them to get through the week. A specific card, given by a dear friend, talked about how she'd miss me as I moved up to Boston. That's nearly 2 years ago.

Two years. A chapter of my life will be closing soon. Nothing's going to stop me.

Boston held previous memories. Boston holds graveyards. Boston holds closure.

Once I pass the threshold and shut the door come the end of the month, I'll be back in NY, but it will be an entrance to something else.

Your breath inside my lungs

The past few weeks have been a challenge emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There were things I needed to work through and am still working through, and that's half the fun, I guess. I've decided to create a hedge of protection for my own sanity and purity.

My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".

That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.

So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.

Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.

Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.

TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.

The scent of poetry

I had purchased my first Moleskine (lined, large size, reporter's style) in a university store a block down from Columbia University. My best friend and I had just finished taking our first SAT exam when we wandered into the store dazed, confused, and hungry. We were from Queens, why we took the SAT in Columbia was because someone in our group of friends decided to be funny. They wanted to take it in Columbia, therefore everyone was roped into going--there were other places where we could have gone, seriously, but we jumped into the nonsensical bandwagon because we were all scared to take it 'alone'.

Digressing. The notebook, thereafter, became my book for poetry. From its use, I wrote my most 'serious' poems therein a few times a week. From 3 May 2005 to 5 December 2006, I wrote constantly. The last entry before today, that is, was 13 December 2008. The May 3rd poem doesn't have a title, but it was a prayer of sorts. While the December 5th poem is titled "Let Me Go". The poem written 2008 is untitled, but was also a challenge by a teacher. It was an introspection about the "shock that the world goes on after someone passes." 

In all this time, the little book still smells like Marc Jacob's "Blush". I had peppered its pages with the sample of the perfume I had gotten from Macy's. Sadly, the perfume is discontinued, but I'm glad the scent still lingers in my little book. 

Anyway, today's poem is titled "Spaces" because I have been musing upon the things or people who take up my heart. The most natural line of thought is a guy, but I don't really feel for anyone right now. Then there's the religious experience, where the person who occupies my heart is Jesus. 

I'm going to stew on the poem. It's written in my little "psalm" book, along with my the rest of its lot. 

I'm not scared of burning passionately for something anymore. That thought just popped up as I looked at my water bottle. The particles of my very diluted phytonutrient shake are suspended in the water I  refilled. I think its sad for some reason. I don't want to just be suspended... moving particles. Agitation. Excitation? Intensity? Yes. 

I would be really bad--or good?--at word association games. 

Disney songs

Whenever I am unsure I always remember a song Pocahontas sang in Pocahontas II. "But where do I go from here, so many voices ringing in my ear", she sings as she's at the crux of major life decisions. I am very fortunate that God, in His infinite grace, has always given me options. Most of these options lead to successful ends, and all I've really had to do was follow the path and see things through. For that I am so grateful.

That has been in mind because of a dream I had a few days ago. In a way, some part of me knows this inherently, and just wanted to remind me. I needed the encouragement.

My classes this week started off with a major hiccup. I wasn't in the headspace for my first class, French, and I was just mucking up the whole time. I was like a deer caught in the headlights, and simultaneously, it was like I was witnessing a car crash. My professor was picking on me because I couldn't pronounce things right, and he called me to the desk after class for a little chat. Sigh. 

Granted, he's probably just judging whether I am fit for his class. In which, I know that I am. I have no choice because I need this class to finally graduate. It's either a sink or swim type of situation. I need to graduate this May because plans for the rest of the year are contingent on it. It's not that I don't know how to speak French, I can understand it quite well, but I have trouble speaking it and in class. My classmate(s) didn't help what so ever, which left me flustered to no end. 

Anyway, I just remembered the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. It gave me great encouragement and hope to face today's class. I will focus on my strengths instead of my weaknesses. I know that I'm systematically making my way through the previous chapters, and am actually exerting effort for this class--shock! I shouldn't be psyched out by my professor. I can do this. I've been in stickier situations. I know God's got my back. 

I've just got to trust and believe that everything will work out. Jesus did say, "it is finished".

Where Do I Go From here