Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Recalibrating myself

I am sitting in my room taking stock of the first 22 days of the New Year. To my left I posted up a Sunday program insert from my church. It reads "How I will live my life differently in 2014". The message that Sunday, the first Sunday I got back up here in Cambridge and of the New Year, was about change, or something like it. My pastor stressed that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Which leads to the challenge aforementioned.

Taking stock of all the positive things first. I have been writing and painting. I also have been going to school. I was able to travel to NY for my grandfather. I was able to fix up my room, and do laundry--no easy feat. I've been good, and eating in. I've been eating more fruits and drinking water. I'm not sick.

Taking stock of all the "misses". I have not been punctual with assignments. I have not been reading class readings as closely. I haven't been spending quality time with God. I've been Tumblr stalking. I haven't done chores. I honestly thought I was going to have more negatives on this list. Interesting. Perhaps, those are just feelings or expectations I place on myself that bog me down. I don't know, I'll have to think about those feelings I haven't listed.

I know that this year I am just trying to be me, to accept myself as I am, no matter how disappointed I feel with myself. If I really look at the bright side--optimism isn't one of my strong suits, I'm...accomplished? Suddenly, I remember my professor mentioning that social comparison is not beneficial. It's hard not to do here in this culture of academia.

I remember my sister's message last Sunday. I have to get rid of the diversions. I am awash with them, apparently. As I write this, I listen to the hymn "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus", and the line "and the things on Earth will grow strangely dim" hits the spot. Last year the only thing that upheld me from the crazy vibes I was feeling was Jesus. It was the only thing that made sense. Now, I know and understand. It's not bothering me as much, but I have to come to terms and rectify how I feel about certain people, which is easier said than done. 

Since scaling back my life, I think I have to scale back the things that occupy my time. I have to stop multi-tasking so I can focus and not lose precious milliseconds, which do add up. I know I can do it. The "things of Earth" have to grow dim, because these things aren't of eternal value. 

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