Altitude Sickness - Remembering Vision

It would seem that when all the provisions and blessings align, something comes to try and steal that peace, joy, and praise. Recently, with regards to work and my living situation for the next 6 months and year, respectively, an easy and divine transition took place. However, in tandem, death, and subsequent grief, and negative feelings have been pervading.

I had suffered from anxiety for a very long time, and ever since God healed me, I haven't had any attacks, nor will I ever again. I sometimes lose my peace and joy, and allow low-grade anxiety to pervade, but I know that only happens when I'm being petulant or am straying away from God's will. So, here's the tea! Cause let's be real, I'm always up to something and that's not always a good thing.


I'm finally going to address the thorn in my side because I'm annoyed by it and myself for allowing it to linger. I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks. Grief, guilt, and shame, prove to be a harrowing combination. Grief is the least of these, thankfully. My grandmother's passing--although sad, is a blessing of repose for her. She's in perpetual rest now, and no matter how sad I feel about her absence, I would not want to take heaven away from her. So, as it goes, I do not wish her back in the land of the living. This emotion is cut and dry for all its intents and purposes. Carrying on.

Guilt and shame; a toxic mix. I don't do regret, and I refuse to call these two the symptom of regret. I'm self auditing--its the latter end of 2018 after all! I am being harsh on myself for the time, relationships, opportunities, and commodities I have mismanaged this year thus far. I could have stewarded my time better. I could have been a better relationally with people. I could have taken better risks or focused my attention on things of import. I could have better invested my resources.

But I didn't.

The mentorship program at church was the only commitment I feel right about. There is no shadow of doubt in my mind about it. Nine months of encouragement, paradigm shift, inner healing, unloading of baggage, and processing--intense and very much needed.

The cost of this investment is great. I've broken my heart repeatedly. Curbed my wants and needs--pruned myself so as to produce better "fruit".


Two summers ago, I was at Camp and I saw a vision of Heaven. That whole summer, even after camp, I kept seeing visions. Mind, I'm not that kind of person, I dream, so this was out of the ordinary. But the things I saw fundamentally changed me and began this process.

Last summer, I saw my future self. She was incandescent. Mind, I've always wanted to exhibit Christ's resplendence, but that image of the future burned into me irrevocably. I'm always careful to not make something an idol, but seeing her was like being privy to what Christ sees in me.

What the Devil cannot destroy, he will distract. Let me tell you there have been distractions left and right. People, places, and things--you name it, it was sent my way in the last eight months.

Suddenly, the hymn Trust and Obey comes to mind. That was I had to do. Matthew 10:35-39 became all too real because what I was experiencing and going through those closest to me couldn't fully comprehend. It was too nuanced-as I drew up my boarders, forming my own boundaries. At times, even I couldn't comprehend why I had to walk away; say no, and walk the path of resistance. To be called out into the water-- I was living out Oceans by Hillsong.


Guilt and shame, two emotions that make absolutely no sense to me at all, has been gnawing and stealing my rest. The 'could's' and 'should's' would have produced a different outcome. *However, I believe these two feelings stem from me causing hurt in others, by way of action or inadvertently. In part, I feel very culpable to the strain, and dare I say, damage, my decisions have resulted. I do realize that I cannot please everyone and anyone. In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm walking rightly. The Hand of Providence is present. Redemption and reconciliation is part of God's plan and I'm not about to force anything or resurrect something that isn't part of my future.

Through the testing and trials of my faith--hey James, thanks for the heads up (James 1:2-4)--endurance and perseverance is being made whole. As another mentor reminded me, "you are tenacious; you don't--won't--let anything stop you from getting what you know God wants for you." While it hurts to know things could have been different, I'm glad to be here and now.



James 1:2-4 (Amplified) "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking nothing."

* Addendum

Eventualities, praise and worship; if not now, when?

My friend and business partner never fails to say the phrase, "if not now, then when?" every time we speak. It is a good reminder of the lies we believe about our lives and the time we have on earth.

Lately, I have pondered the future, especially setting my goals for the next year. I was on the phone with a childhood friend--a girl I used to babysit, actually, and I tell her, " I am a year a half away from being 30. What would I have wanted to accomplish, then?"

The lies we often believe about our lives is that we have time. We actually do not. To get existential here, as I type this I am using the "present". As you will read these words, you will have read my "past" words while using your "present" moments. When you finish, I shall be in bed, asleep--it would be my "future" coming to pass.

Wednesday was the first time I led praise and worship. I have, for the better part of the last decade and a half, sang back up. It was a surreal moment when I stood in front of the congregation and we were in high worship. The thought occurred to me that my singing--the talents the Lord gave me were unused for the last long while. The enemy had succeeded in thwarting, diverting, and distracting me from utilizing these gifts. It's sad. But now, onward.

So, when will eventualities come to fruition?

Romans 12:6-8

NaNoWriMo day 6 - First kiss scene complete; Back home and Church

I had a productive weekend in Boston. I'm sad that I didn't get to stay a bit longer to attend church with my Revolution family. But I had to go back home to NY because I didn't want to miss our Sunday worship.

Our Sunday worships have been full of great nuggets of heaven. God is really revealing Himself to our congregation. Lots of encouraging, life-giving, and loving correction from Him. I really didn't want to miss the continuation of my sister's sermon.

Anyway, although I didn't reach the word count today, I did manage to write about 300+ words. I also completed the kiss scene between my two characters. Let's just say I let out a squeal when I wrote the last word. I cannot wait to develop their relationship.

I will take all the knowledge I amassed this weekend and use it to further my business and train others! MASTER FASTER! Yay!


Song of Solomon 1:1-4 (totally appropriate! LOL)

Bible Study - Apologetics: On Free Will and Choice

Today, we had a lovely and lively discussion about Biblical foundations. There were questions and answers, and there were things to further seek God for clarity.

One of the topics was about Angels having free will. I, in my limited study, do not know the whole picture, nor am I fluent in philosophical and theological jargon. So I will seek and pray.

Thus far, all I know is that there is a difference between free will and free choice. Words and how they are defined could help shed light on the matter. But mostly, it is to the Holy Spirit to inspire and teach.

This is the crux of the matter. It is to seek God and find out his truth. To read, seek, delight, and become enlightened.

Proverbs 25:2

Healthy, Slow, Minimalist Living

I think that the culture today is the exact opposite of the abovemebtioned. We are living an unhealthy, fast/busy, yet unproductive, over indulgent, malcontented lifestyles. And if anyone doesn't want to participate in that, they're branded as a "hippy", or "eco-snob".

Spiritually, I want to learn to be content, for contentment is a great gain. I want to be content with myself, my circumstances, my living, my posessions. I even want to venture out and say I want to learn to be more content with my relationships. I should be cultivating stronger bonds with people instead of seeking the next interesting person.

Hmm, all good things. Still haven't quite thought it through.

1 Timothy 6:6

Mad Dash part 2 - Mom's Bibles

My mother is on the plane now, probably taxiing through the tarmac. It's been a whirlwind 5 hours.

She came home late from work. Had to get the rest of her packing done. Went to the airport late.

She was all nerves. I usually can tell when she's getting nervous. It's funny and albeit a bit frustrating.

The funniest part of checking in is that her carry-on luggage was 2x the weight allowed. When the clerk asked her to take stuff out, she zipped open the bag and then proceeded to take out two of the three Bibles therein. When weighed again, it was still overweight, so we took out the third Bible.

"Mom! Why do you have three Bibles?" I asked.
"Wha--? No, that one is Amplified!"
😂
You'd only understand if you know my mom...

Psalm 119:105

Thoughts After Church - Worshipping

I arrived at church late. It was half way into Worship when I settled in a seat. The first few songs I sang distractedly. Many thoughts were in mind.

There was this moment, where I repented for not focusing--for not being present. All of a sudden, I was able to worship. A great load came out of my mind and heart. It was freeing as well.

However, there was this other moment where I grew honest and scared. I realized that my life, in the grander scheme of things, is truly fleeting. I began to cry earnestly. I felt like, 'God, I've wasted so much time'. Also, thereafter that thought, 'what are the next 10, 20, 30 years if not but a bat of the eye.'

I remembered a sermon about Mary Magdalene who brought the Alabaster jar and anointed Christ's feet. Some scholars say that this jar with precious oils, costing much, was a nest-egg of sorts. She could have tucked it away for her future to sell or for her burial. But basically, it meant that she was giving her future--unknown, undefined, costly, and laying it at the feet of Jesus.

Amazingly, Jesus says to her detractors that her deed will forever be recorded wherever the Gospel is preached. So, in laying down her nest-egg, the only valuable tangible representation of her future at His feet, she gained so much more. Where she laid to rest her personal gain and glory at his feet, she, all of a sudden, is forever part of the glory and redemption of the Gospel.

I'm still ruminating what that means for me.

Matthew 26:13

The Dreamer - Keeping the indomitable spirit

In Middle School, my best friend once told me that her dad gave insight about her friends. He had mentioned specific characteristics about each one of us, there was five of us that (often) hung out together, but three were tight knit. I often revisit this insight.

He had said, "[J] is a dreamer. She has her head in the clouds, and sometimes she may need someone to keep her grounded." I remember receiving that insight negatively. Was it bad to have my head in the clouds? Was it bad that I'd need someone to bring me back to the ground? In hindsight, it was my insecurities as a tween that shaded this lovely insight negatively.

In reaction to that, I closed my heart up. I focused on being "logical", "linear", "intelligent"--thinking that being a "dreamer" wasn't intelligent! I would only focus my whimsical attributes in art or writing. I grew mean spirited because I thought I'd need to be acerbic and witty. It wasn't my best friend's dad's fault, it was my own--I'd made myself miserable by denying a part of me.

Fast forward to my young adult development: I did away with all that heaviness and darkness. Thank God. It was a process unfurling the negativity; stripping away the heaviness, and being true. I mean, I'm still sarcastic, and of course witty, but that's part of my winsome personality.

More recently, while working at my previous job, I felt all the more convicted to not let anyone else take my joy away. As part of my personal testimony, I must spread the joy and peace inside. I was saved from my own dark soul and mind, and replacing that was Grace from Jesus. 

Tangent: my salvation prayer was simple--"God, take away the darkness in my soul."

Digressing, at work, I loved to talk with people, and one coworker, specifically, enjoyed our talks. We were of like mind, academics stuck in corporate. We would banter; ponder statements, and talk about art and literature. One of the nicest things he said about me was, "...I like you, 'ya know? You've a touch of whimsy. We need that in this place." 

I've learned that this whimsy; that I, as a dreamer, need not keep it bottled up. Yes, it takes more energy to be ernest, honest, and happy. And yes, people can take that transparency as vulnerability--weakness, but it's not. It takes far greater courage to love forthrightly. It takes more courage to keep on dreaming. It takes creativity to learn how to navigate the broken world. 

I like art and literature. I like to listen to sad songs. I like to look at real estate postings for magnificent houses. I like to peruse the internet for First Class tickets to wherever. I like pretty things.

I love broken people. Broken people have such great potential. That's how God sees them, and that's how I choose to see them, too.

Hebrews 4:12

Conversations with God

One of my favourite sermons is about prayer. I believe that prayer is essential in spiritual growth and personal growth. Deep prayer is having deep conversations with God, and I love it.

When I was a child I thought it was something formal. That I first had to 'clean' my mind of thoughts so that God wouldn't hear them before I started. But that's the thing about an omnipotent-omniscient God--moot point in cleaning your mind before prayer 'cause He already knows!

Anyway, the sermon of the Tabernacle Prayer (taught by Paul Yonggi Cho) is a go to, especially when I want to 'soul detox'. Its not meant to be formal... it's meant to be real. I'll be re-iterating and exhorting on it at Church, so I might as well give snippets.

Premise: The Tabernacle/Temple prayer is a method of praying so as to engage God in deeper conversation. It also helps pace one's self in prayer time.

There are three stages and seven areas of concentration. The three stages are the outer court, inner court, and the Holy of Holies. The seven concentrations are: the Brazen Altar and the Cross, Laver, Lamp Stand (Menorah), Table of Show Bread, the Altar of Incense, and the Mercy Seat.

At each concentration, we engage God differently. At the Brazen Altar, we come to magnify the work of Jesus on the cross. To affirm His death, and His triumph. We renew our minds with the benefits of the cross: forgiveness of sin, righteousness, healing, conquered the world, fulness of the Holy Spirit, sanctification, redemption from the curse, etc; We get to clarify the vision of our identity in Him.

The Laver is where we look within ourselves using the 10 Commandments as our mirror. It is no longer a curse (Galatians 3:10 NLT preferred). A lot of repenting and renouncing here. Got other gods and idols? Got a problem with taking the Lord's name in vain? Am I keeping the commandment of the Sabbath? Do I respect my parents? Honestly, when you ponder upon these, you'll be humbled and see that we needed a lot of fixing. It's great! Its a recalibration. This is where I'm usually a sopping mess.

The Menorah represents the Holy Spirit and His seven attributes. He illuminates our spirit and soul with His: wisdom, understanding, counsel, might, knowledge; fear of the Lord, and holiness. This is that part where the 'oil' or 'anointing' comes. Here I'm humbled by His abilities and realize what it means to function in and through Him. And, obviously, I engage Him and adore Him and take this time to fellowship with Him.

The Table of Show Bread is the word of God. The 'logos' - the written word, and the 'rhema' - God's spoken word. I like to think of it as the Doctrine within the Bible and the inspiration impressed by God through the Holy Spirit that brings these doctrines to life, able to apply divinely inspired Word to our lives. I thank God for the Word and the promises of the Word that has come to life within me for my wellbeing. Super powerful to know that God's Word does not return void (Isa. 55:11) and alive (Heb. 4:12).

Finally (for my snippet, rather), the Altar of Incense. Here, we are directly in front of God's glory. Our prayer is a sweet incense to Him (Ps. 141:2 & Rev. 8:4). Here we are able to offer petitions for ourselves and others, pray for blessings, protection; lay down plans and projects, etc; You've got this time, place, and space in front of the King of Kings and He's listening. Say, 'Hi' or just be still to listen to Him. 

I encourage you to make it real 'cause either way He's listening. Also, going through these points, I assure you, you'll have a long and very deep conversation with God. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

(Yes, I realize I may have blogged about this a while back. Always a good topic!)

Of Courage and Liberty

It's been a year since I graduated, give or take a few days, of course. Walking around campus felt so different compared to my very first day living in Cambridge. I remember walking down Magazine Street, and although it was a sunny, cloudless day, it was grey. However, last Thursday, walking with my sister and friends around Harvard Square and then around Boston, it was clear and shimmery.

I have learned so much from my time living alone, and I am sure that, as I embark on the next journey, I will learn more lessons. The prerogative is to be couragous--trusting in God's plan. It'll require much of me, stretching and molding me, and that is all I can hope for. Tehre are so many people much braver than I, and if I want my life to mean something, I, too, must go and do.

I am so fortunate that I have a family that is supportive of the adventures and endeavors I am undetaking. I have their prayers and blessings, which allows me to be free. I am at liberty to do.

As I type this post on the Megabus ride back to NYC, I have Oceans by Hillsong  United on repeat. "Spirit lead to where my trust is without boarders..."

Will I be trusting enough? Will I live and walk Spiritually so that I can endure and persevere? God I hope I can be counted as your faithful. That's all I really want in life. That's the only thing I am sure of.

Praise Jesus.

How to Deal with Disappointment

It's nearly a month since my last post. I had originally planned to do a post every other day, but the job hunt is real and it's getting ever more real. I can't help but feel frustrated, and the feeling of despondency is slowly tugging. So, I am writing because I need to remember...

During camp last, one of the very first life issues God highlighted was that I had a lot of hurt and emotional scars. I can only side eye that, because, well, God knows me better than I know myself, right? I've been hurt by people closest to me--I mean, who hasn't? Thats one of the saddest facts of humanity, the closer you are to a person, the more hurt you'd feel--the amount of love you give is (often) proportionate to the amount of hurt you feel...

Digressing, emotional scars and hurts were remembered. A good portion was prayed over, released forgiveness for, and then prayed life into. For some, I actually had to contact the person(s) and release forgiveness--again, proportionate amount of hurt, it was a boatload. 

I just needed to remember this example of personal growth over the summer because I am feeling all these yucky feelings--excuse the lack of a better term. I'm hurt by the circumstances, and disappointed in myself. I feel like I've failed at life (already? I mean, I just graduated...), and that I've been hoodwinked. 

They are lies of the enemy.

Taking a cue from my favorite book in the Bible--James--I will combat these feelings with the Truth. I am content in this trial because its building perseverance (James 1:2, 9, 12 ). I am taking pride in my humble position, because in my lack, God overflows with all things I do not have. I am called to persevere because God has work for me to do.

Pastor Glenn Garland said something that I've been ruminating lately. My present situation may be fact--my current joblessness is likened to water turning into ice, but the TRUTH is that I am a conqueror and a success likened to aberrations of nature (miracles), like Jesus walking on water. 

My life is a miracle. This is my testimony. I will triumph because of the Blood Christ shed on the cross, and my testimony (Revelations 12:11). (Thank you Lord for such a beautiful thing!) The life in me is not mine, it is Christ's, therefore I have hope, and a bright future (recall Jeremiah 29:11).

Biblical truths.
Promises.
Endurance.


This is not the end.

This is how to deal with disappointments, despondency, and hurt life metes out. As my father likes to quote: Hebrews 12:2, "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."


This is Not the End by Gungor

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United

Oceans Will Part by Hillsong

Now unto Him that is Able to Keep You from Falling

I am behind schedule today as I got carried away with job applications. I think I was able to do at least five this morning, and two yesterday. Today I am trying to do as much as I can since I wasted a great deal of the day wallowing. (Side note: Don't you just hate unfinished dreams? URGH!)

My present meditation is Jude 1:24-25 KJV, "Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless in the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, now and ever. Amen." The lovely realization that I need Jesus because I am ever more dependent on Him; happy at the fact that I am not sufficient, and I cannot do a thing on my own. I am not crippled by despondency--at my ineptitude, but so humbled by my frailty. 

Probably more to post later today--going to a Harvard event tonight. I was frustratedly curious as to whether I should bring a date or not. 

Study to Shew Thyself Approved - Sobering Thoughts

"Make every effort to present yourself before God as a proven worker who does not need to be ashamed, teaching the message of truth accurately." 2 Timothy 2:15 NET

Just pondering upon the matters of diligence, faith, and Christianity. Additionally, upon the rigors of the lifestyle that I proclaim. I just start to think about how God stretches me to be better--in giving, gratitude, grace, mercy, kindness, mindfulness, patience, and loving-kindness.

In this inner reflection I also have to move outwardly and upward. I must not only think about those matters, but act upon them, and then continually exercise them to a greater degree. Who said being a Christian is easy? True faith hurts because it requires endurance (James 1:3)

If I must be found lacking, let me continually hunger for the Word of God (Psalms 107:9). Let me continually be found seeking His face (Psalms 27:4). Let me not settle for anything other than Jesus.