Altitude Sickness - Remembering Vision

It would seem that when all the provisions and blessings align, something comes to try and steal that peace, joy, and praise. Recently, with regards to work and my living situation for the next 6 months and year, respectively, an easy and divine transition took place. However, in tandem, death, and subsequent grief, and negative feelings have been pervading.

I had suffered from anxiety for a very long time, and ever since God healed me, I haven't had any attacks, nor will I ever again. I sometimes lose my peace and joy, and allow low-grade anxiety to pervade, but I know that only happens when I'm being petulant or am straying away from God's will. So, here's the tea! Cause let's be real, I'm always up to something and that's not always a good thing.


I'm finally going to address the thorn in my side because I'm annoyed by it and myself for allowing it to linger. I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks. Grief, guilt, and shame, prove to be a harrowing combination. Grief is the least of these, thankfully. My grandmother's passing--although sad, is a blessing of repose for her. She's in perpetual rest now, and no matter how sad I feel about her absence, I would not want to take heaven away from her. So, as it goes, I do not wish her back in the land of the living. This emotion is cut and dry for all its intents and purposes. Carrying on.

Guilt and shame; a toxic mix. I don't do regret, and I refuse to call these two the symptom of regret. I'm self auditing--its the latter end of 2018 after all! I am being harsh on myself for the time, relationships, opportunities, and commodities I have mismanaged this year thus far. I could have stewarded my time better. I could have been a better relationally with people. I could have taken better risks or focused my attention on things of import. I could have better invested my resources.

But I didn't.

The mentorship program at church was the only commitment I feel right about. There is no shadow of doubt in my mind about it. Nine months of encouragement, paradigm shift, inner healing, unloading of baggage, and processing--intense and very much needed.

The cost of this investment is great. I've broken my heart repeatedly. Curbed my wants and needs--pruned myself so as to produce better "fruit".


Two summers ago, I was at Camp and I saw a vision of Heaven. That whole summer, even after camp, I kept seeing visions. Mind, I'm not that kind of person, I dream, so this was out of the ordinary. But the things I saw fundamentally changed me and began this process.

Last summer, I saw my future self. She was incandescent. Mind, I've always wanted to exhibit Christ's resplendence, but that image of the future burned into me irrevocably. I'm always careful to not make something an idol, but seeing her was like being privy to what Christ sees in me.

What the Devil cannot destroy, he will distract. Let me tell you there have been distractions left and right. People, places, and things--you name it, it was sent my way in the last eight months.

Suddenly, the hymn Trust and Obey comes to mind. That was I had to do. Matthew 10:35-39 became all too real because what I was experiencing and going through those closest to me couldn't fully comprehend. It was too nuanced-as I drew up my boarders, forming my own boundaries. At times, even I couldn't comprehend why I had to walk away; say no, and walk the path of resistance. To be called out into the water-- I was living out Oceans by Hillsong.


Guilt and shame, two emotions that make absolutely no sense to me at all, has been gnawing and stealing my rest. The 'could's' and 'should's' would have produced a different outcome. *However, I believe these two feelings stem from me causing hurt in others, by way of action or inadvertently. In part, I feel very culpable to the strain, and dare I say, damage, my decisions have resulted. I do realize that I cannot please everyone and anyone. In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm walking rightly. The Hand of Providence is present. Redemption and reconciliation is part of God's plan and I'm not about to force anything or resurrect something that isn't part of my future.

Through the testing and trials of my faith--hey James, thanks for the heads up (James 1:2-4)--endurance and perseverance is being made whole. As another mentor reminded me, "you are tenacious; you don't--won't--let anything stop you from getting what you know God wants for you." While it hurts to know things could have been different, I'm glad to be here and now.



James 1:2-4 (Amplified) "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking nothing."

* Addendum

Here and Now

The countdown to my birthday is ever alarming?--for the lack of a better term. It is the last birthday of my 20's, and thus, once I hit that magical year, the countdown to my 3rd decade commences. As always, introspection comes part-and-parcel.

The last year has been a daring one. I have learned to stretch in faith, and boy has it been crazy for me. There have been periods of waiting, then spurts of intense activity, and the tapering off of intensity, but greater activity.

People worry about my future for me. They worry about my career. My place--whether I will grow roots in a certain area. I can only shrug.

The last decade has changed me. I used to plan everything in my life. Dread the work it entailed, but planned it neatly, nonetheless. But dropping out of Pharmacy School; taking a year and a half to actually seek God for the next step, and doing what He said, has been an adventure.

I was so scared to trust God with my future. I was so scared to let go. Now, I've learned that letting it go is best. There are things I don't need in my life and I gladly relinquish that to Him. There are things I can't handle, and I gladly hand that over. I've learned to simply do what I need, and that's that.

As I count down the days to my 29th birthday, I count down the crazy things that have happened in the last 10 years. My personal growth; my wonder and wanderings, and the grace that has been poured out.

Below is a quote from the sermon of Pastor Dharius Daniels (from Stay Woke, the one I talked about previous post)

"You started sensing the rising to an allergic reaction to mediocrity and apathy."

Excellence and clarity are mine.

Proverbs 31:31

Details and Demarcation

As most of my followers on Instagram and friends on Facebook know, I am focusing on my art at the moment. I wanted to focus on music but I had to decide which one would be beneficial for me at present. Writing, too, has been put on the back burner--at least, posting my writing. I'm chugging along, daily, trying to write something.

I was listening to a successful artist speaking about talent and skill late last evening and he consolidated the nebulae of thoughts I had been ruminating the past few months. Too long and verbose to write here. Haha!

Anyway, I take comfort in knowing that I don't know much about art. I truly want to increase my skill because talent only takes me so far--like engenius and prodigious children, the other children catch up eventually. I will not depend on inspiration or muse(s) but simply do...and learn.

Today marks a shift in the way I do things. I hope you'll tune in for the adventure. My blog on WordPress will contain more artist musings and, dare I hope, artwork. 

Jude 1:24-25

Eventualities, praise and worship; if not now, when?

My friend and business partner never fails to say the phrase, "if not now, then when?" every time we speak. It is a good reminder of the lies we believe about our lives and the time we have on earth.

Lately, I have pondered the future, especially setting my goals for the next year. I was on the phone with a childhood friend--a girl I used to babysit, actually, and I tell her, " I am a year a half away from being 30. What would I have wanted to accomplish, then?"

The lies we often believe about our lives is that we have time. We actually do not. To get existential here, as I type this I am using the "present". As you will read these words, you will have read my "past" words while using your "present" moments. When you finish, I shall be in bed, asleep--it would be my "future" coming to pass.

Wednesday was the first time I led praise and worship. I have, for the better part of the last decade and a half, sang back up. It was a surreal moment when I stood in front of the congregation and we were in high worship. The thought occurred to me that my singing--the talents the Lord gave me were unused for the last long while. The enemy had succeeded in thwarting, diverting, and distracting me from utilizing these gifts. It's sad. But now, onward.

So, when will eventualities come to fruition?

Romans 12:6-8

Short to Mid-range Goals, and Being A Steward of the Environment

Recently, I wrote a list of several things I wanted to accomplish within the next year, year and a half, two years, and five years. Some things include being financially free of all types of debt--consumer and educational. Then there are more personal things like weight and general wellbeing. Another thing I'd like to have within the short-range future is to get my Driver's Licence and get a car.

I still don't feel like I need it, living in NYC and all. However, the liberation and whimsy of road trips without taking the bloody bus--looking at you MegaBus--is edging toward the want. Having no private parking/driveway and to alternate parking regulations--the bane of anyone with a car in the city--does not excite me. AT. ALL.

Anyway, today, I've spent a great deal watching car reviews on YouTube. Namely, I was looking at Audi and Volvo SUV's. However, what piqued my interest was Tesla's Model X. 

As I sit watching Model X videos, I remember reading an article about "passive houses". Since Tesla's are known to be eco-friendly, I linked that to passive houses which are energy efficient. Basically, the house has minuscule heat and cold leakage. There'd be no need for heaters in the winter and air conditioners in the summer. I think this is cost effective for everyone in the long run, especially for the environment.

It dawned on me that I like this type of lifestyle. It is in line with what the Bible says about Man (humans, homo sapien sapien). Man is supposed to be a steward of the earth. However, we have grossly abused it. 

I'll continue to explore these thoughts. 

Image belongs to Tesla.com, Tesla Model X with its Falcon wings open. A bit ostentatious, but it goes well with me. I think its whimsy. Calling my Back to the Future peeps. 

Romans 8:22

Trying to Understand this Election Cycle

There is too much noise. There are too many platitudes spoken. Too many empty promises.

I am a conservative with liberal leanings. That makes me on the moderate side of things. There are issues I am steadfast in my opinion, and other issues--some important to others--that I am on the gray.

I stand for life, but I believe we all have a choice.

I believe in foreign aid, but I also believe America needs to fix itself.

I believe that both of the candidates are self-serving. 

I believe the people for either side are myopic in their stances at best.

I'm praying for this country. I suggest we all do too.

1 Timothy 2:1-3

Changes - Endeavors and Lesson Planning

Yesterday, I went to my old High School to get paperwork done. I was to look over the workbooks I'd need to order to tutor ESL to international students. I met a fellow teacher and got to observe her and the class.

Today, I did the same thing. However, I focused on observing another teacher. There were differences in style between the two I observed. That was comforting. Seeing them handle their class gets me excited for my own! I can't wait for next week!

Anyway, as I chatted with the teachers, I got a sense that they, too, are feeling the new-ness of their position. The program we are a part of services the high school, and this year is the first time the program is offered during the school hours (it was previously an after school program). It's exciting as I find that we are malleable to the changes.

I think that's why people find it so hard to change, or accept change. The unknown is terrifying. Being unsure is terrifying. I suddenly remember a conversation I had with a guidance counselor in HS. I remember saying that I was so afraid of the future, that I'd rather relish the past.

I've grown up since then, and one of the lessons I've learned is to be excited for the future. When you hold on to the past, you don't see the future as brilliant, you often see it as daunting. But when you embrace the future, it's liberating because of all the potential.

I'm juggling the new position as a part-time ESL tutor with the new business. This is all new. This is exciting. But I'm getting to meet cool people. I'm creating great relationships with brilliant people. It reminds me of when I first started Harvard.

I remember then, I was so scared to sound stupid. But now, I know that everyone is learning something new. We're all sharing the same experience. Those who bring the negative energy only stifle themselves. When we have positive energy, we can share that, and together we all grow.

Super psyched for what the rest of the month unfolds. Further, what the end of the year entails. Yay!

2 Chronicles 16:9

Super Saturday - Schlepping Myself to Mt. Kisco

Today, I attended my first Regional Event for Shaklee. Super Saturday, they call it. One of the key speakers is Les Wong, who has been with the company for (about) 40 of the corporation's 51 years.

Let me begin by saying this: I woke up at 4 blood AM so as to not miss the 7 train to the City. But because I didn't want to walk to the subway, I took an Uber to the Grand Central for the Metro North. I arrived earlier than needed--a whole three hours early. I was taken aback by the temperature, it was fridged, winter-like.

I met up with my business partners and we drove to the location. I got meal bars and got to sample other products. Yummy.

I am super proud to be a part of a health and wellness company that has a history. Their products are scientifically and rigorously tested--127 peer-reviewed and presented studies! The first product, which has evolved in different iterations for specific health needs, is over 100 years old.

I want to be a part of that legacy!

Having used the products for a few years before dedicating myself to the business, I completely stand behind it. I can't wait to let more friends know about it. Health is wealth after all, and I don't want people I know, respect, and love, ailing from preventable diseases.

For my readers--if you feel that you've not the energy, or want a life change, I implore you, give Shaklee a chance. You will feel the difference. Energy. Happiness. Vitality. Then it'll be a cycle of positivity!

If you want, my website is: excellence.myshaklee.com Experience the Shaklee Excellence with me! I'm on my turnaround--health and wellness journey. Commit to one month!

I love my Shaklee family. Super supportive, open, and great energy! I love what I do, and I love the goals I'm on my way to accomplishing!
Feel free to ask me more questions. My contact is within the website, or PM me. 😃

Proverbs 17:22

Cleaning - part 2

In my last post, I talked about minimalist style and transforming my table/vanity into a work desk. It turned out harder than anticipated. After clearing the papers that had accumulated over the summer, among other things, namely change, receipts--I cleared space in my shelf to put my makeup tower.

What I was not prepared for was feeling unnerved that I was taking apart my "battle station", and moving it elsewhere. See, my makeup is organized in the Muji acrylic storage boxes. It is prominently displayed on my desk, next to the vanity lighted mirror. When I moved the tower onto the shelf beside it, I became aware of the empty.

I stared at that empty space for a good 20 minutes, trying to place a finger on why I felt vexed. It rattled me so much, I just went to bed. I slept quite late (or early in the morning), passing my bed time.

Anyway, feel that my desk is bare. But I am ready to accomplish great things. As I said previously, I always felt that if I let go of something, the energy otherwise used for that one thing can be transferred into something else. I feel that way with space--which is probably why I was so vexed about the empty space. I had spent such a great deal of money and time getting my battle station just right only to have to move it...

My vanity is now my workspace. It is the designated area to conduct work. It is a blank canvas used for productivity and efficiency. Yay!

Habakuk 2:2

Wanderlust - Where It Began

Being Filipino, I always knew someone who was abroad. Growing up and having family come to visit with souvenirs was a treat. They would have plenty of stories about distant lands and different cultures.

In addition, I was raised around foreigners. In Makati, Philippines, I saw Westerners and Asians, since it was the city center of the country's capital. Also, since my dad was an Evangelist/pastor, he had support from missionaries, namely, South Korean ministries/missionaries.

When I came to the US, we lived in a very diverse neighborhood, and the schools I attended reflected the population. It was great growing up with all these influences, i count myself very blessed.

But really, it was my grandfather who was a sailor. He sailed all over the world with his crew at a time where most societies were still segregated. He would tell stories about African, European, and Asian port cities and their misadventures.

My dad, too travels often. Even at a young age, I knew he would go to the provinces in the Philippines. And as I was growing up in the US, he would go back to the Philippines every year for a month or so at a time.

When I was sixteen, he began traveling to Europe for extended stays, first for a few months at a time, then up to six months. His travels always brought home great news about the churches in Europe, and the great things God was doing there.

Because of the internet, I had (and obviously still have) the privilage of meeting interesting people from all over the world. That's how I got to meet my friends in Dubai and South Korea. It's fantastic!

Traveling to the Philippines in 2008, and then to 11 countries in Europe 2009, really solidified that lifestyle. It helped me grow and expand my philosophies. It also gave me a heart for overseas workers. But more on this topic another time.

Travel just runs in my blood. I loved cultures, art, food, and people. I love stories. I want to amass stories for my children and grandchildren because I know the world will be a different place then.

Acts 1:8

Inspiration - Trip to Dubai and Being an Entrepreneur

November last year, a friend of mine came to visit NYC with a group of friends. I was so blessed to have dinner with them and to hear some great news. One such piece was of her engagement.

Fast forward a few months later, I find myself in Dubai, UAE. It was my first time traveling to a foreign country alone--although the previous year I went to Mexico (again, for another wedding), but met up and stayed with a group of people I knew. My cousin and her adorable son met me at the airport and helped me get settled in my AirBnB. There was an interesting circumstance here, but long story short, we saw each other one other time before I left, so I don't really count that as "staying in a foreign country with family" (more on this some other time).

As few days before the wedding, I was happy to join the festivities. I had my hands adorned with henna, and I was invited to tea at my friends home. Lovely all around. I loved the company and tea. 

Conversations and customary getting to know you's were had. I found that a few of her friends, professionals in their own right, had businesses. One has a jewelry line and another has a fashion line for bags. This intrigued me.

I found it odd that these lovely women who were established in their respective professions created their own businesses in their spare time. I mean, it's not unheard of, but I began to ponder 'why?'. However, after a while, I supposed that the 'why' didn't really matter. I supposed that they did it because they loved it. I wanted that, too.

In a succinct cultural commentary: being a first generation immigrant--coming to the US at a young age--I have observed that my parents (immigrants themselves) had this mindset, like many overseas workers. The mindset of "getting by". Granted, we came to the US legally because my mother is a professional--others are not as fortunate to have entered with the status and bearing (another topic for another time). 

I've heard other people make apt comments about the "getting by" mindset. Namely, someone mentioned that "Filipinos tell their children to 'study hard' so you can get a job, not 'study hard so you can have your own business'." I've had this in mind for a while, and seeing my friend's friends with their businesses, inspired me.

One of the conversation topics with the friend I visited yesterday was about my job--the job I've yet to actually begin (another story)--or the [current?] lack thereof. I stated that "I don't want to work for anyone else", and with this, she gave me a boggled look. 

Not for nothing, admittedly, I like to shock people. I don't like to be pegged by their preconceived notions. But those who really know me understand my quintessence.

Digressing, for the sake of my future family, my mindset has changed. I don't want to be a part of anyone else's rat-race. I've one life to live and all... 

I wish that my fellow Filipinos can have the confidence and courage to think outside of this 'getting by' mindset. I find it sad that they waste away in a foreign land not feeling the embrace of their loved ones, but especially, growing old without an enriched life. 

Apologies. I had meant for this post to be light and short. More pondering about all this on my end.

Proverbs 31: 24-25

The Dreamer - Keeping the indomitable spirit

In Middle School, my best friend once told me that her dad gave insight about her friends. He had mentioned specific characteristics about each one of us, there was five of us that (often) hung out together, but three were tight knit. I often revisit this insight.

He had said, "[J] is a dreamer. She has her head in the clouds, and sometimes she may need someone to keep her grounded." I remember receiving that insight negatively. Was it bad to have my head in the clouds? Was it bad that I'd need someone to bring me back to the ground? In hindsight, it was my insecurities as a tween that shaded this lovely insight negatively.

In reaction to that, I closed my heart up. I focused on being "logical", "linear", "intelligent"--thinking that being a "dreamer" wasn't intelligent! I would only focus my whimsical attributes in art or writing. I grew mean spirited because I thought I'd need to be acerbic and witty. It wasn't my best friend's dad's fault, it was my own--I'd made myself miserable by denying a part of me.

Fast forward to my young adult development: I did away with all that heaviness and darkness. Thank God. It was a process unfurling the negativity; stripping away the heaviness, and being true. I mean, I'm still sarcastic, and of course witty, but that's part of my winsome personality.

More recently, while working at my previous job, I felt all the more convicted to not let anyone else take my joy away. As part of my personal testimony, I must spread the joy and peace inside. I was saved from my own dark soul and mind, and replacing that was Grace from Jesus. 

Tangent: my salvation prayer was simple--"God, take away the darkness in my soul."

Digressing, at work, I loved to talk with people, and one coworker, specifically, enjoyed our talks. We were of like mind, academics stuck in corporate. We would banter; ponder statements, and talk about art and literature. One of the nicest things he said about me was, "...I like you, 'ya know? You've a touch of whimsy. We need that in this place." 

I've learned that this whimsy; that I, as a dreamer, need not keep it bottled up. Yes, it takes more energy to be ernest, honest, and happy. And yes, people can take that transparency as vulnerability--weakness, but it's not. It takes far greater courage to love forthrightly. It takes more courage to keep on dreaming. It takes creativity to learn how to navigate the broken world. 

I like art and literature. I like to listen to sad songs. I like to look at real estate postings for magnificent houses. I like to peruse the internet for First Class tickets to wherever. I like pretty things.

I love broken people. Broken people have such great potential. That's how God sees them, and that's how I choose to see them, too.

Hebrews 4:12

Love Songs

I wanted to post earlier but today was all over the place. My "day" hasn't ended yet, as I am doing laundry at this unforgiving hour. Nevertheless, here's a short post on several of my favorite love songs.

"Head Over Heels" by April McLean is such a sugary, lovey, yet straightforwardly earnest love song. I believe I first heard it as a sound track from Amanda Bynes' show--"What I Like About You", with Jennie Garth. Anyway, it's about a woman resignly admitting she's fallen in love, and in the last line of the song affirms it. It's an easy song to listen to. I hope to make it part of my Wedding Playlist... I had suggested it for Dave and Pre's wedding last May!

The complete opposite of this song--also an easy listen, is "Pills" by the Perishers. I am still distraught that the band broke up after two great albums, but what am I going to do. Sigh. It talks about a dysfunctional couple who cannot admit to each other they've fallen out of love. Awefully depressing, but it's got such a glass menagerie twinkle and sound--its nuts. I listen to this song (and recommend it often) when I'm thinking of certain people... Leaving that there.

Finally, I love "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden. What can I say, 80/90's kid. As cliche as it is, I thought (and still think) that the lyrics evoke such imagery. As I listened to it in my tweens I thought about traveling with a significant other. Probably why that is a non-negotiable in my relarionships. Okay, wow, just found the root of that intrinsic need in my life. Yay for blogging.

I've other songs, perhaps next time.

Proverbs 4:23

Of Courage and Liberty

It's been a year since I graduated, give or take a few days, of course. Walking around campus felt so different compared to my very first day living in Cambridge. I remember walking down Magazine Street, and although it was a sunny, cloudless day, it was grey. However, last Thursday, walking with my sister and friends around Harvard Square and then around Boston, it was clear and shimmery.

I have learned so much from my time living alone, and I am sure that, as I embark on the next journey, I will learn more lessons. The prerogative is to be couragous--trusting in God's plan. It'll require much of me, stretching and molding me, and that is all I can hope for. Tehre are so many people much braver than I, and if I want my life to mean something, I, too, must go and do.

I am so fortunate that I have a family that is supportive of the adventures and endeavors I am undetaking. I have their prayers and blessings, which allows me to be free. I am at liberty to do.

As I type this post on the Megabus ride back to NYC, I have Oceans by Hillsong  United on repeat. "Spirit lead to where my trust is without boarders..."

Will I be trusting enough? Will I live and walk Spiritually so that I can endure and persevere? God I hope I can be counted as your faithful. That's all I really want in life. That's the only thing I am sure of.

Praise Jesus.

Prose: So Stay with Me; There's Nothing Like You and I

Background: I haven't been sleeping well, and it's my first night in a little while having dreams. However, I dreamt about saying my goodbyes. Melancholic prose commence!

So Stay with Me

It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.

As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.

Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.

So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.

Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.

You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.


There's Nothing Like You and I

She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.

It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...


-Fin-

There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers

and bonus:

Thoughts in TL;DR:

Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.

Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.

Unfolding Destiny

At present, if I take stock of what I see and feel, it would be unsurety and disquiet. Nothing is going as I had hoped, and I almost feel as though I am stuck in limbo, which for me, is the worst place. The next step I am supposed to take is far off yet, but close enough, which is frustrating because it's part of a barebones plan/outline/guideline, but details aren't filled in. I can't just twiddle my thumbs...

Thankfully, I know my God and his voice, and that is enough confidence and easement I need. I don't need to be anxious or afraid of my future, because [He] know the plans [he] has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm [me], plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know that He is my sustainer (Psalm 40:11), my guide (John 16:13), compass (Psalm 16:11), and counselor (Psalm 55:22); my maker (Psalm 103:11), father (Psalm 56:8-9), perfecter (Psalm 139:23-24), and my shelter (Psalm 23:6), bastion (Psalm 46:2-3), and protector (Psalm 3:3). He is my salvation (Acts 4:12) and deliverer (1 Thessalonians 1:10). He is my constant companion (Psalm 73:23-24). He is my wealth (Psalm 4:7-8), hope (Psalm 42:5) I know I can laugh about the future and the days to come (Proverbs 31:25), I have victory (1 Corinthians 15:57)! 

Feelings and thoughts can be set aside. It is the byproduct of using the senses. Faith needs to be concrete--realer than real. This is why I need not worry about tomorrow. All I must do is walk out today with Him. 

My destiny is certain, as it is big. I have caught the vision for it, and I know that I don't have enough strength, skill, or talent on my own to bring it to completion or perfection, but I know who does... my God. 

So this is just a brain dump to remind myself that my imperfection, failings and weaknesses are good--they're great!--because in these He is strong, able, and perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). I've got plans and options, but His will and way takes preeminence.

Thank you Lord for you sit on your throne, immoveable by my circumstances; that you rejoice over me, and uphold me. There is no lack in You. There is no missing You--You make Your presence known to those who seek You. You've given me choices and the mind to accept or reject, but in my choices may it be Your will that is done. In the end, all I want to hear is "well done, faithful one". Lord, whatever  I don't know, please teach me; whatever I do not have, please give it, and whatever I am not, please make me in your Son's mighty name. Amen. 

Every Entrance was an Exit Elsewhere

Yesterday (Monday) night was the final class for Drama. I'm sad to realize that next Monday evening I wouldn't be surrounded by really cool, warm, and kind people. It was a lovely journey to be a part of. I told my acting teacher last night, "I learned to access my feelings, commit to them, and follow through." To which he replied, "well that's true of everything we do, right?", indeed it is.

I had a late start this morning, which I'm quite annoyed about--I'll make due. Drinking tea, I thought about my stay here in Boston, the community I've been a part of--Grace Street/Revolution Church, and my previous/present? classmates. These thoughts actually began a few days ago when, in frustration, I started to pack. I took down most of the cards and letters people have sent/given me and tucked them away. Several are still up on the wall, I'll need them to get through the week. A specific card, given by a dear friend, talked about how she'd miss me as I moved up to Boston. That's nearly 2 years ago.

Two years. A chapter of my life will be closing soon. Nothing's going to stop me.

Boston held previous memories. Boston holds graveyards. Boston holds closure.

Once I pass the threshold and shut the door come the end of the month, I'll be back in NY, but it will be an entrance to something else.