Altitude Sickness - Remembering Vision

It would seem that when all the provisions and blessings align, something comes to try and steal that peace, joy, and praise. Recently, with regards to work and my living situation for the next 6 months and year, respectively, an easy and divine transition took place. However, in tandem, death, and subsequent grief, and negative feelings have been pervading.

I had suffered from anxiety for a very long time, and ever since God healed me, I haven't had any attacks, nor will I ever again. I sometimes lose my peace and joy, and allow low-grade anxiety to pervade, but I know that only happens when I'm being petulant or am straying away from God's will. So, here's the tea! Cause let's be real, I'm always up to something and that's not always a good thing.


I'm finally going to address the thorn in my side because I'm annoyed by it and myself for allowing it to linger. I haven't been sleeping well the last few weeks. Grief, guilt, and shame, prove to be a harrowing combination. Grief is the least of these, thankfully. My grandmother's passing--although sad, is a blessing of repose for her. She's in perpetual rest now, and no matter how sad I feel about her absence, I would not want to take heaven away from her. So, as it goes, I do not wish her back in the land of the living. This emotion is cut and dry for all its intents and purposes. Carrying on.

Guilt and shame; a toxic mix. I don't do regret, and I refuse to call these two the symptom of regret. I'm self auditing--its the latter end of 2018 after all! I am being harsh on myself for the time, relationships, opportunities, and commodities I have mismanaged this year thus far. I could have stewarded my time better. I could have been a better relationally with people. I could have taken better risks or focused my attention on things of import. I could have better invested my resources.

But I didn't.

The mentorship program at church was the only commitment I feel right about. There is no shadow of doubt in my mind about it. Nine months of encouragement, paradigm shift, inner healing, unloading of baggage, and processing--intense and very much needed.

The cost of this investment is great. I've broken my heart repeatedly. Curbed my wants and needs--pruned myself so as to produce better "fruit".


Two summers ago, I was at Camp and I saw a vision of Heaven. That whole summer, even after camp, I kept seeing visions. Mind, I'm not that kind of person, I dream, so this was out of the ordinary. But the things I saw fundamentally changed me and began this process.

Last summer, I saw my future self. She was incandescent. Mind, I've always wanted to exhibit Christ's resplendence, but that image of the future burned into me irrevocably. I'm always careful to not make something an idol, but seeing her was like being privy to what Christ sees in me.

What the Devil cannot destroy, he will distract. Let me tell you there have been distractions left and right. People, places, and things--you name it, it was sent my way in the last eight months.

Suddenly, the hymn Trust and Obey comes to mind. That was I had to do. Matthew 10:35-39 became all too real because what I was experiencing and going through those closest to me couldn't fully comprehend. It was too nuanced-as I drew up my boarders, forming my own boundaries. At times, even I couldn't comprehend why I had to walk away; say no, and walk the path of resistance. To be called out into the water-- I was living out Oceans by Hillsong.


Guilt and shame, two emotions that make absolutely no sense to me at all, has been gnawing and stealing my rest. The 'could's' and 'should's' would have produced a different outcome. *However, I believe these two feelings stem from me causing hurt in others, by way of action or inadvertently. In part, I feel very culpable to the strain, and dare I say, damage, my decisions have resulted. I do realize that I cannot please everyone and anyone. In the grand scheme of things, I know I'm walking rightly. The Hand of Providence is present. Redemption and reconciliation is part of God's plan and I'm not about to force anything or resurrect something that isn't part of my future.

Through the testing and trials of my faith--hey James, thanks for the heads up (James 1:2-4)--endurance and perseverance is being made whole. As another mentor reminded me, "you are tenacious; you don't--won't--let anything stop you from getting what you know God wants for you." While it hurts to know things could have been different, I'm glad to be here and now.



James 1:2-4 (Amplified) "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience. But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking nothing."

* Addendum

Here and Now

The countdown to my birthday is ever alarming?--for the lack of a better term. It is the last birthday of my 20's, and thus, once I hit that magical year, the countdown to my 3rd decade commences. As always, introspection comes part-and-parcel.

The last year has been a daring one. I have learned to stretch in faith, and boy has it been crazy for me. There have been periods of waiting, then spurts of intense activity, and the tapering off of intensity, but greater activity.

People worry about my future for me. They worry about my career. My place--whether I will grow roots in a certain area. I can only shrug.

The last decade has changed me. I used to plan everything in my life. Dread the work it entailed, but planned it neatly, nonetheless. But dropping out of Pharmacy School; taking a year and a half to actually seek God for the next step, and doing what He said, has been an adventure.

I was so scared to trust God with my future. I was so scared to let go. Now, I've learned that letting it go is best. There are things I don't need in my life and I gladly relinquish that to Him. There are things I can't handle, and I gladly hand that over. I've learned to simply do what I need, and that's that.

As I count down the days to my 29th birthday, I count down the crazy things that have happened in the last 10 years. My personal growth; my wonder and wanderings, and the grace that has been poured out.

Below is a quote from the sermon of Pastor Dharius Daniels (from Stay Woke, the one I talked about previous post)

"You started sensing the rising to an allergic reaction to mediocrity and apathy."

Excellence and clarity are mine.

Proverbs 31:31

NaNoWriMo day 3 - Flow, and Falling in Love

Today, I didn't have much time or energy to write. I think I only wrote about 400+ words. I'm okay with this.

Succinctly, my mother is home from the Philippines and so we readied the house for her. My sister and I divided and conquered cleaning the house. I also did other errands.

Anyway, on the writing front, I was so excited writing the little bit I did. I had this section in mind since Wednesday. I was smiling ear to ear for my characters. One of my main protagonists is falling in love with a secondary character. It's endearing.

My sister's best friend walked in on me as I was squeeing with glee as I was typing. I love it! These are the scenes that push the story on.

I'm headed to Massachusetts in a few hours so I'm going to write as much as I can before sleep and then head out.


Song of Solomon 3:5

NaNoWriMo day 2 - Pace

Today's pace was slow. I was falling back into my habit of researching. I lost time.

I also lost time for my counter. I guess people were trying to upload their word counts before 12am, that the site was slow. So I technically got my 3345 wordcount in at 12am, having gotten locked out. Sigh.

Better pacing tomorrow! A better blog tomorrow. I got tuckered out. Haha!

Hebrews 12:2

NaNoWriMo Day 1 and a small surprise

I have uploaded my first day's word count at 1,704 words. It is a little over the projected daily word count, 1,667. I am quite excited. I was in a groove. However, I wanted to stop so I can write this blog.

The current writing set up is quite simple. My Dyson heater-fan to my right, for optimal temperature; the ultrasonic humidifier with essential oils is on with peppermint and frankincense (way to keep awake and focused without coffee). I also have guacamole and chips for snack.

I got my first mini-writer's block with some dialogue, so I went and cooked some oatmeal. Did I ever mention that I cook when anxious or need to think? I also walk, but I did that this after noon after my first writing session.

At the moment, I have 4 hours a day I can allocate for writing. To lessen on fatigue and frustration, I decided to break that into 2 sessions. Two hours in the morning right after I wake, and two hours in the evening after dinner.

I've allocated time for blogging, which is not part of the daily word count. Likewise, I picked up a side project for someone at church.

Finally, the surprise of the day, is that someone wants me to part-time for them as a grant writer. If writing in this season isn't meant to be, then I don't know! But I know it's a good thing.

I'm in a state of flow. I'll continue writing after this blog.

Proverbs 15:13

Thinking about Cars

I spent the last few days watching a great number of YouTube electric car reviews. It's in the spirit of researching electronic vehicles and hybrids. It's utterly fascinating.

My previous post featured the Tesla Model X, however, today I was looking into the BMW iSeries. And honestly, as much as I love the MiniCooper (BMW owns them now...) and am excited for the hybrid coming out in the next few months, I've got to say the Bulldog looking BMW i3 looks adorkable.

Learning about electric cars are fascinating. The EV-car culture is quite new, and those entrenched in (regular ie. non-electronic) car culture seem to view EV's with a wary eye. However, I was doing the math on cost effectivity and it blew me away. EV car culture seems to have one revolving fear, at leat for the moment, and it's called the "range anxiety".

At the moment, range anxiety is a valid fear. However, I think with the public's acceptance of EV's, more stations and technologies will come. I was just discussing that in Queens, a variable black-hole--at least compared to the City--when it comes to EV charging stations, there are a few.

I hope my first car is an EV or at least a hybrid. I'd like for my first long-distance trip to go to New Orleans. Hello, beignets.

Proverbs 19:20-21

Wistful Thinking - Traveling, Tapas Bar Owner, Sommelier, Surf Shop Owner?

A few years ago, one of my godsister's and her husband (my godbrother by marriage), moved to Southern California. At the time I thought it was a peculiar move. Upon their move, I saw pictures on FB of wine tastings they would go to. I remember thinking that her wistful new life was interesting. However, I'm at the point in my life where I embrace the wistful ideas.

I remember when I first visited Europe with my dad, I fell in love with a few countries we passed through. I instantly fell in love with the nature of Norway. My father and I stayed in a town, Askim, about an hour and a half away from Oslo. The drive through the permafrost was lovely.

Next, I fell in love with Austria. The people were so welcoming and gentle. We were able to stay in Vienna and Linz.

Finally, I fell in love with Spain. Namely, I fell for the atmosphere of Barcelona. Since then, I have said that Barcelona felt like 99% of 100% to me--a place to settle down. That's saying something because NYC is 100/100, and Manila, where I'm from is 80/100 (blame the humidity).

Digressing, the dream I had was to live in Barcelona and open a tapas bar and art gallery. It would be a bohemian type of life. Eclectic and deliberate.

Anyway, today, as I attended an event at the Harvard Club of NYC, I felt a certain excitement. The event was a talk about the "sixth sense"--memory, and how Remy Martin Louis XIII Cognac evokes memories. With this, I fancied the thought of being a sommelier. That is something I'll think about further.

On the way home, I remembered this conversation I had with an old friend. We would set up a surf shop in Cebu, Philippines. My grandfather's family owns a small strip of land by an eco-reserve in their city. It would be eco-tourism at its best.

Tonight, though, I will think about the challenge next month. NaNoWriMo, here I come. I've gotten a few ideas for plot and the like. I'm super excited.

Genesis 27:27

Mad Dash part 2 - Mom's Bibles

My mother is on the plane now, probably taxiing through the tarmac. It's been a whirlwind 5 hours.

She came home late from work. Had to get the rest of her packing done. Went to the airport late.

She was all nerves. I usually can tell when she's getting nervous. It's funny and albeit a bit frustrating.

The funniest part of checking in is that her carry-on luggage was 2x the weight allowed. When the clerk asked her to take stuff out, she zipped open the bag and then proceeded to take out two of the three Bibles therein. When weighed again, it was still overweight, so we took out the third Bible.

"Mom! Why do you have three Bibles?" I asked.
"Wha--? No, that one is Amplified!"
😂
You'd only understand if you know my mom...

Psalm 119:105

Mad Dash

Last minute laundry. Packing with mom when we get home. No sleep again tonight because I've got paperwork for my dad.

Such is the life of missionaries. Yay to adventure!

I am so excited for my mom to be heading out to the missions field. She's got a powerful message! I can't wait to hear all about it.

Woot!

Matthew 6:33

Wanderlust - Where It Began

Being Filipino, I always knew someone who was abroad. Growing up and having family come to visit with souvenirs was a treat. They would have plenty of stories about distant lands and different cultures.

In addition, I was raised around foreigners. In Makati, Philippines, I saw Westerners and Asians, since it was the city center of the country's capital. Also, since my dad was an Evangelist/pastor, he had support from missionaries, namely, South Korean ministries/missionaries.

When I came to the US, we lived in a very diverse neighborhood, and the schools I attended reflected the population. It was great growing up with all these influences, i count myself very blessed.

But really, it was my grandfather who was a sailor. He sailed all over the world with his crew at a time where most societies were still segregated. He would tell stories about African, European, and Asian port cities and their misadventures.

My dad, too travels often. Even at a young age, I knew he would go to the provinces in the Philippines. And as I was growing up in the US, he would go back to the Philippines every year for a month or so at a time.

When I was sixteen, he began traveling to Europe for extended stays, first for a few months at a time, then up to six months. His travels always brought home great news about the churches in Europe, and the great things God was doing there.

Because of the internet, I had (and obviously still have) the privilage of meeting interesting people from all over the world. That's how I got to meet my friends in Dubai and South Korea. It's fantastic!

Traveling to the Philippines in 2008, and then to 11 countries in Europe 2009, really solidified that lifestyle. It helped me grow and expand my philosophies. It also gave me a heart for overseas workers. But more on this topic another time.

Travel just runs in my blood. I loved cultures, art, food, and people. I love stories. I want to amass stories for my children and grandchildren because I know the world will be a different place then.

Acts 1:8

Relief - Falling into Place

Today is a good day although the weather seems contrary. I've finally submitted the last pieces of paperwork for the teaching job, and I had my first order for a Shaklee turnaround! Happy dance!

The walk toward my goal is long, but today is something to celebrate because God is good. I'm a firm believer that victories, no matter how small, should be acknowledged and celebrated. The adage 'fortune favors the bold' has been in mind lately, and I can't help but think that patience and prayers through the last few weeks have lead me here. Seemingly insignificant, but I cannot help but think of the Jesus and his parable of the mustard seed. 

A friend slept over last night, but before sleeping, we were talking (as I did the dishes). I was talking about my activities the last few weeks, and what I'm doing with the time I have for myself. I've also shared the renewed passion I have for mentoring, and how I'm finally working out my ministry.

She mentioned that couldn't help but smile as I recounted the last few weeks. And in addition, other close friends have noticed how 'chill' I am with all these changes. I always attribute the peace to the prayers.

A few posts below, I mentioned that I am interested in the slow living--living intently--and that the philosophy of one of my favorite chef's is "Time is an ingredient". I've been through circumstances that have stretched my faith these past few years. I'm just learning to rest and change my flow.

Things are settling down, and now the praying and the planning these few weeks can take effect. Soon more victories, in different forms, will come. I can't wait to celebrate those too.

Hebrews 12:2

Sunrise at Burj Khalifa observation deck

Time Management and the Curse of Flexibility

Time management: this is one of my many failings. I add that flexibility is a curse because, too often, it goes hand-in-hand with poor time management. And no, I don't believe there is such thing as a "work-life balance", but more on that in a bit.

It is ingrained in me to be 'flexible'. Whether it is a facet of the Filipino culture, or that it is heavily prized in my family culture, I am not certain. Personally, I treat it as a bad habit.

I have tried schedulers and calendars--not the same thing!--I'm a 'lister' so lists are good for me. But try as I might, I do not get to cross off everything on that list. It annoys me.

Case in point, yesterday evening (early this morning, rather) I was listing down what I needed to do for today. However, something happened when I woke up that needed attention. While that matter was important, I am now looking at my list. The will to accomplish it diminishes. 

However, I've got to learn to manage my 'work-life', seeing that I'm part-timing as a tutor/teacher, and I've a business to run. I've to learn to focus, prepare, and make contingencies. Honestly, I can plan but my intentions may not be right, therefore, what looks good on my list, I may not follow through. That statement makes little sense, but it does to me. 

Anyway, affirmations:  I will focus. I will do what is on my list. I want to do this.

As I wrote yesterday, Proverbs 16:9, I plan, but God fulfills. I'll just do my work and thank Him for the energy.

Psalms 103:1

"Excelsior!" A life change.

The word "excelsior" is Latin for "ever upward" and "still higher". It's on the state seal of New York--completely apropos. It also happens to be Stan Lee's catchphrase. To me, it's a dare.

Can I push myself to be better spiritually, mentally, and physically? Can I learn to face my battles efficiently, head-on, with a victorious mindset? Can I worry less about people's preconceived notions? The answer is, obviously, 'yes'. However, 'when?' is the more vexing question.

Some weeks ago, someone inspired me with a 'divine' word. That's nothing new since I'm always receiving or being told great words of wisdom and affirmations (prophetic words, so to speak). But the succeeding days, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I sat under a pine tree at work, and instead of eating lunch, I was praying. I was faced with a conundrum. Who I want to be is far grander than what my current position could give me. It wasn't out of ambition or entitlement, but rather, an illumination within. It asked a serious question--which had been asked before, but this time, instead of brushing it aside, I had the courage to answer it.

It leads me here. A new career path, a budding business, out of my depth (for the moment! Optimistically, obviously), and committing.

The committing is the hardest thing yet, to be frank. But that's part desperation, part hope, and wholly faith.

I hope to write blogs regularly again. Perhaps it would help others understand the journey I'm on now, and for me to externalize whatever it is I'm going through.

God's grace is suffice.
Proverbs 16:9

Of Courage and Liberty

It's been a year since I graduated, give or take a few days, of course. Walking around campus felt so different compared to my very first day living in Cambridge. I remember walking down Magazine Street, and although it was a sunny, cloudless day, it was grey. However, last Thursday, walking with my sister and friends around Harvard Square and then around Boston, it was clear and shimmery.

I have learned so much from my time living alone, and I am sure that, as I embark on the next journey, I will learn more lessons. The prerogative is to be couragous--trusting in God's plan. It'll require much of me, stretching and molding me, and that is all I can hope for. Tehre are so many people much braver than I, and if I want my life to mean something, I, too, must go and do.

I am so fortunate that I have a family that is supportive of the adventures and endeavors I am undetaking. I have their prayers and blessings, which allows me to be free. I am at liberty to do.

As I type this post on the Megabus ride back to NYC, I have Oceans by Hillsong  United on repeat. "Spirit lead to where my trust is without boarders..."

Will I be trusting enough? Will I live and walk Spiritually so that I can endure and persevere? God I hope I can be counted as your faithful. That's all I really want in life. That's the only thing I am sure of.

Praise Jesus.