Love Songs

I wanted to post earlier but today was all over the place. My "day" hasn't ended yet, as I am doing laundry at this unforgiving hour. Nevertheless, here's a short post on several of my favorite love songs.

"Head Over Heels" by April McLean is such a sugary, lovey, yet straightforwardly earnest love song. I believe I first heard it as a sound track from Amanda Bynes' show--"What I Like About You", with Jennie Garth. Anyway, it's about a woman resignly admitting she's fallen in love, and in the last line of the song affirms it. It's an easy song to listen to. I hope to make it part of my Wedding Playlist... I had suggested it for Dave and Pre's wedding last May!

The complete opposite of this song--also an easy listen, is "Pills" by the Perishers. I am still distraught that the band broke up after two great albums, but what am I going to do. Sigh. It talks about a dysfunctional couple who cannot admit to each other they've fallen out of love. Awefully depressing, but it's got such a glass menagerie twinkle and sound--its nuts. I listen to this song (and recommend it often) when I'm thinking of certain people... Leaving that there.

Finally, I love "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden. What can I say, 80/90's kid. As cliche as it is, I thought (and still think) that the lyrics evoke such imagery. As I listened to it in my tweens I thought about traveling with a significant other. Probably why that is a non-negotiable in my relarionships. Okay, wow, just found the root of that intrinsic need in my life. Yay for blogging.

I've other songs, perhaps next time.

Proverbs 4:23

You Are My Hope; Jesus I Come. When Death Dies

The first song on today's playlist:

The previous post was a mix of current songs I've been listening to, as well as song from ages ago. It was fun going down memory lane that day with old songs and old playlists. I even dug up some old pictures from high school. I'm far too embarrassed to post them, sorry (not sorry). 

Anyway, I've decided to change my eating habits. I'm back to eating less meat, eventually phasing it out, though I haven't decided to commit to that. I will definitely miss chicken, but my solace are eggs! It's day two of the change and I feel lighter already. I'm popping almonds and walnuts whenever I get peckish, but what I really want is some fruit--bananas, figs, and some (flat)peaches. Also, I'll have to get more tea--it's warm drinks season, after all! (Can you tell that I'm excited for Autumn?)

From now until the end of the month I'm planning and outlining for NaNoWriMo. I've attempted it before but never got much traction because I couldn't juggle school and writing. It was too much for my brain to switch between the two. Now, I finally get to focus on writing. Super excited. 

Mindset. Focusing on changing my mindset regarding certain things. Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." I can't afford to 'not feel like [doing] it' because I'm working on a time table. I've got to be diligent. Rest is good, but I've been bummy. Whenever I get--not feel!--bummy, I remember Pastor Jerry Dirman's message "The Sluggard", and Proverbs 26:14. OUCH. 

Enough of my own thoughts... Emptying it out, and putting good stuff in. The WORD of GOD. It's transformative and informative.

When death dies, all things live. Because Christ is alive, I have a hope and future.

Prose: So Stay with Me; There's Nothing Like You and I

Background: I haven't been sleeping well, and it's my first night in a little while having dreams. However, I dreamt about saying my goodbyes. Melancholic prose commence!

So Stay with Me

It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.

As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.

Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.

So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.

Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.

You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.


There's Nothing Like You and I

She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.

It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...


-Fin-

There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers

and bonus:

Thoughts in TL;DR:

Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.

Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.

Poetics: Some Point Between Here and There

Some Point Between Here and There 

JG 2.914

I imagined a perfect life with you.

We would live in a loft;
I would prepare breakfast,
and you would gladly make tea.

A prayer for the day ahead,
and a kiss goodbye.
I'd be someone important at work,
and so would you.
We would live comfortably.

Then I realize,
This is my dream.
I realize--I don't even know you.
You say you want to live out of the city.
What?
You say you don't drink caffeine--
Since when?
You prefer hard labor instead of the officework.
Okay.

I am jarred.
I am repentant.

Confused.
Did I take the time to know you?
Were we on the same page?
Did we have the same conversations?
I'm blindsided, and so are you.
What happened?
Really, what happened?

You had another vision--
Another dream all together.
Your personal values,
Your mores,
Your ethics,
beautiful in their own right,
are so different from mine.
I didn't get to know you well enough.
Yet, this isn't disappointing.

We are at a stall.
Actually, there is no 'we'.
There's you.
There's me.
Paths that were once parallel--

never really having converged,

and all the more diverging. 

Thank you for being you.
However, I still like what I see.

Poetics in the mind. There'll be more posted. 

The Fiercest Fables: lies I tell myself

The title of this post, "Fiercest Fables" actually comes from a story a friend of mine wrote (who got it from a Bon Iver song, I don't know which one). It has to do with the lies we tell ourselves. There are just some things we believe we have control over, or mastered, but in truth, we've sorely underestimated its grip or ramification.

My mother, in a much more verbose manner, once told me a story about this village woman. The lesson of the story was "covering your head, but leaving your butt exposed". We make certain provisions for somethings, yet completely miss the glaring warnings for other things, and lo-and-behold, we are in danger.

Sometimes its more telling of our nature by what we do for the sake or in the face of curiosity, than what we seemingly constantly (regimentally/characteristically) do.

Where am I going with this?

Addiction.

I am sure if I am truly honest with myself, I can acknowledge that somewhere or at some time, I've picked up something, an interest, a hobby or habit that grew into something that got married into my personality and character. All are destructive in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

Again, all addictions [idols, gods, propensities] are destructive [to self] in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

What am I addicted to?

Answer: many things.

Ruminations of the week

On Monday I took my first Introduction to Drama class, and it was wonderful! Ever since I jumped on the Tom Hiddleston bandwagon--I'm not ashamed!--I grew even more curious of acting. I think it's the way he explains his process that makes sense to me. He approaches his roles by building a psychological map--creating a background--for his character, and it is intriguing and not nearly as scary as method acting. As a psych major, all I can say is "YES!" (Note: precisely why I love Cillian Murphy, but that's for another time.)

Digressing, Hiddleston is not the main reason why I'm taking the class. It was thanks to my speech professor in St. John's University. I had opted to perform my speech out of classroom, face to face instead of in front of the class. I had a serious case of stage fright. I now realize it was deep insecurity, and the inability to trust my own voice. I think I'm still horrible at public speaking, even though I had to take another speech class here at Harvard. But I am more confident in myself and have a different approach to life, more on this in a little bit. So, its really thanks to that professor who suggested I take acting to "get out of my shell". He was also the one who told me of my "melodious voice". I think I sound like a child, though I'm not nearly as "young" sounding as Yoo In Na, God bless her.

I must admit that I am a spectator and like to observe. It was (again) thanks to one of the leaflets that my Pastor puts in our Sunday programs that I have slowly began to change my mind. Okay, no. It's a few factors. The first would be Hiddleston quoting something French and translating it to "We all have two lives. The second one begins when we realize that we only have one." (He's not the originator of the quote, but he translated so I'm citing that--ugh, citations!) The second would be my Psychology of Resilience class, where one of the characteristics of a highly resilient individual, also a coping mechanism, is to engage the environment (wait, I may have this wrong. Its a bit fuzzy in my brain.) Thirdly, it was the leaflet in my church's program that says "Life is not a spectator sport (Join in)". I'm sure the first half of that quote was from someone else, but the "join in" part resonates. 

The bottom line is that I don't want to spend my life observing. I'm cerebral, yes. I'm introverted, in that, I like my alone time and sometimes find social gatherings taxing. I remember my parent's 25th Anniversary party, I snuck away from the hall for an hour, literally sitting by myself, and then joined by my aunt, to get away from the noise. I don't do well in crowds of more than five people. But I was trained by my father to schmooze at a young age and I can do it very well. I have held myself back from doing "fun" things because I was too engrossed by observing. I mean, why can't I do both? Well, now I am. 

One thing I am trying to rectify within myself is something my Drama Prof mentioned. He said something along the lines of "there is no such thing as multi-tasking...its actually trying to shift focus quickly." I can agree with what he said because I have believed for some time that one can't have a "balanced life/schedule". Perfect time management and a "perfect schedule" is a myth. Life is weighted, just like grades, oddly enough. Spending time with family should mean more than spending time fixing the car. The meaning of the time spent cannot equal each other--rephrase, it all can't be equally important, which is why the whole "balancing time" is a lie, at least to me. 

Focus, right. So lately I feel like I've undertaken some immense things, like painting, writing, and (pleasure) reading. I am have all these things I want to do, too. I want to get rollerblades and a bike. Hopefully, I can hike as well. I just want to live. 

Yeah, I want to live.

This morning I told my sister that our central passion is what defines us. For me, its my spirituality--my faith in Jesus. I know that my education, my capacity to work or have a career, and everything else is superfluous. All the knowledge and acquired skill sets are actually not for me but for the higher calling to serve like Jesus did. I'm not greedy then, when I say that the next step is to go to Oxford (though I've got a nagging feeling it'll be Cambridge, sigh) because whatever I learn there I will hand down to those I mentor. Its my act of reasonable service to myself, my family, my community, and humanity. This is how I translate my faith.