Dreaming of You - Convoluted Thoughts

The title is appropriate, seeing that today the Selena MAC (cosmetics) campaign began. Already sold out, and admittedly, I am quite nervous that I won't get the lipstick of that name. Sigh. More on makeup in another post.

I wanted to talk about the dream I had last night. I woke up with a start, feeling awful. I was mad and sad all the same time.

The setting of the dream was at Camp (Ashland, VA).  In the dream, it seemed like I lived there, but I was moving out that day. Some guy was helping me pack up and get all my stuff sorted, but after my possessions were in the van, I went around to say goodbye. He was following me diligently as I said my farewells. However, I was looking for a person.

This person I am looking for, "C", is someone I know. In real life, our general relationship is hard to describe. It's a case of misunderstandings, but great rapport, mutual affection--there's a lot of history and disappointments on both ends. I acknowledge it's not the best.

Anyway, in the dream, I was seeking "C" out to say goodbye. I was searching all over Camp, and in the last possible moment, right before I absolutely had to leave, I see him. From across the room, I ran toward him to give him an embrace. I hugged him tight, and then let go. He then told me to run to the van.

The guy who had diligently followed and helped me pack was called elsewhere as I opened the door to the passenger van taking me to the airport. The van was full of people who I was close to and strangers along for the ride to the airport. I called out the people I wasn't close to, asking them to leave the van if they had other motives in being there--namely, they wanted to join in the pre-flight meal we customarily have as a family (yes, this is a real life thing we do almost every time someone leaves!).

As the van pulls out of Camp, I call "C" telling him, "It's not too late to join us to go to the airport. There's space [in the van]." He replied, "I'm sorry, I'd like to but can't. I'm sorry timings never work out..."

I am distraught, and I wake up from my dream.

I woke up feeling angry with my(dream)self for not noticing the devotion of the other gentleman--the one who helped me pack and who diligently stood by my side saying good bye. Yet, I was also sad that I had spent so much time looking to and for someone who didn't feel I was worth the same amount of energy.

Whether this is a true representation (or devolution) of my relationship with "C", I'm not sure. But surely, I think I can believe that timing has, and will probably never be, right. How sad I am about this I'm not entirely sure.

I am a firm believer of letting negativity go. Yet, grey areas exist and "C" is there. Complicated enough to hurt, yet positive enough to inspire.

Proverbs 2:2

Love Songs

I wanted to post earlier but today was all over the place. My "day" hasn't ended yet, as I am doing laundry at this unforgiving hour. Nevertheless, here's a short post on several of my favorite love songs.

"Head Over Heels" by April McLean is such a sugary, lovey, yet straightforwardly earnest love song. I believe I first heard it as a sound track from Amanda Bynes' show--"What I Like About You", with Jennie Garth. Anyway, it's about a woman resignly admitting she's fallen in love, and in the last line of the song affirms it. It's an easy song to listen to. I hope to make it part of my Wedding Playlist... I had suggested it for Dave and Pre's wedding last May!

The complete opposite of this song--also an easy listen, is "Pills" by the Perishers. I am still distraught that the band broke up after two great albums, but what am I going to do. Sigh. It talks about a dysfunctional couple who cannot admit to each other they've fallen out of love. Awefully depressing, but it's got such a glass menagerie twinkle and sound--its nuts. I listen to this song (and recommend it often) when I'm thinking of certain people... Leaving that there.

Finally, I love "Truly, Madly, Deeply" by Savage Garden. What can I say, 80/90's kid. As cliche as it is, I thought (and still think) that the lyrics evoke such imagery. As I listened to it in my tweens I thought about traveling with a significant other. Probably why that is a non-negotiable in my relarionships. Okay, wow, just found the root of that intrinsic need in my life. Yay for blogging.

I've other songs, perhaps next time.

Proverbs 4:23

How to Deal with Disappointment

It's nearly a month since my last post. I had originally planned to do a post every other day, but the job hunt is real and it's getting ever more real. I can't help but feel frustrated, and the feeling of despondency is slowly tugging. So, I am writing because I need to remember...

During camp last, one of the very first life issues God highlighted was that I had a lot of hurt and emotional scars. I can only side eye that, because, well, God knows me better than I know myself, right? I've been hurt by people closest to me--I mean, who hasn't? Thats one of the saddest facts of humanity, the closer you are to a person, the more hurt you'd feel--the amount of love you give is (often) proportionate to the amount of hurt you feel...

Digressing, emotional scars and hurts were remembered. A good portion was prayed over, released forgiveness for, and then prayed life into. For some, I actually had to contact the person(s) and release forgiveness--again, proportionate amount of hurt, it was a boatload. 

I just needed to remember this example of personal growth over the summer because I am feeling all these yucky feelings--excuse the lack of a better term. I'm hurt by the circumstances, and disappointed in myself. I feel like I've failed at life (already? I mean, I just graduated...), and that I've been hoodwinked. 

They are lies of the enemy.

Taking a cue from my favorite book in the Bible--James--I will combat these feelings with the Truth. I am content in this trial because its building perseverance (James 1:2, 9, 12 ). I am taking pride in my humble position, because in my lack, God overflows with all things I do not have. I am called to persevere because God has work for me to do.

Pastor Glenn Garland said something that I've been ruminating lately. My present situation may be fact--my current joblessness is likened to water turning into ice, but the TRUTH is that I am a conqueror and a success likened to aberrations of nature (miracles), like Jesus walking on water. 

My life is a miracle. This is my testimony. I will triumph because of the Blood Christ shed on the cross, and my testimony (Revelations 12:11). (Thank you Lord for such a beautiful thing!) The life in me is not mine, it is Christ's, therefore I have hope, and a bright future (recall Jeremiah 29:11).

Biblical truths.
Promises.
Endurance.


This is not the end.

This is how to deal with disappointments, despondency, and hurt life metes out. As my father likes to quote: Hebrews 12:2, "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."


This is Not the End by Gungor

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United

Oceans Will Part by Hillsong