Hello, 2017 and Life Adjustments

It's been more than a month since my last post. Quite a few things have happened since then--you know, life.

Let me begin by saying that I did not get to finish my NaNoWriMo story which was disappointing. Mid-November I started teaching. December was challenging, as I had to learn to navigate the new position and other things. God was still in all of that because He allowed added responsibility--to liaise between school and program. Not too bad! I'm getting the hang of being a teacher.

As for the story, I spent a good while last week, looking at my notes and I fell in love with my characters all over again. I do want to write my story but I think I'll need a little more time to get their "lives" right. All I know is that I am besotted with Piero. Haha!


Healthwise, I was doing well after the Holidays. I didn't partake gluttonously of the Holiday meals. I lost weight, one and a half pant sizes to be precise. On the last week of December, I finally committed to a gym membership. It was a mind game, really. Thankfully my gym offered a complimentary Personal Trainer consultation. My trainer is kick-butt and we jive quite well. I lost two pant sizes by New Year!

For a person who had not stepped into a gym in 10 years--discounting the times I bought memberships but didn't go--I was so self-conscious. To note: I did go do Yoga intermittently in that decade, but I've given that up. Anyway, I got psyched-out the second week, but thankfully the youth at my church inspired me to go.

I got sick. Then went to Disney World with my cousins the first two weeks of January. I felt horrible last week. I felt heavy and weak, no energy at all yet terrible sleeping patterns. I hit the gym last Saturday and promised to go every day this week. I booked a 7 am session with my trainer just so I can be held accountable.

That accountability led me to push. Push past self-consciousness and feelings of inadequacies. To mind my self, my goals, and no one else. Thus far, I can see an improvement in my cardiovascular health. My running times are getting better, 24-minute mile in December, to 18:20 yesterday, and 13:53 today! WOOT WOOT! Here's to Shaklee Sports Nutrition for helping me!


Fortuitously, my pastor in Cambridge emailed about discipleship level 2. There was no thinking about it! An opportunity to grow deeper in Christ is a great life-investment. I am excited in this time of dedication. With a boatload of stuff going on around the world, I want to hunker down in Christ, my anchor, my rock. Otherwise, there would be no peace.


All this to say that there are more things in store for 2017. I'm so ready. There will be challenges, there will be lulls--life happens--but this year I'm taking and making it for myself and my God.

Colossians 4:2

Goal Setting for the Next...

My business partner went to a convention a week or two ago and came back pumped. Her energy is always contageous, but the synopsis she shared about the meeting bled into what I was learning and praying through personally.

With this encouragement, the scale is tipped, and I choose to continue full throttle into my business. She challenged me, as she is challenging herself. My challenges for the on coming months, basically 2017, are below.

I will wake up at 4:30 am. I will do small exercsies 5x a week (until I get markedly stronger). I will talk to 6 people daily about my business.

The drive is there, and I choose the word "choice" because on some days, I know I'm not going to want to do one or any of these. I also have writing projects, and a language project I want to do. But for right now these are the pressing goals. I'll make time for those projects later when I have these mastered.

On to other things, I pray for my students. I want to have good vibes and energy when I step into the classroom. That can mean the difference between success and stagnation, sometimes.

I also plan on doing a detox. Not sure what yet, but it would be a mental one, not a physical one.

Psalm 24:1

Change of perspective and radio silence

November kicked my ass. I had several disappointments and I promptly learned from them. I was learning, stretching, and growing.

A quick writing update: I wrote a few things after I stopped blogging last month. I was disappointed in that. Something came up which demoralized me and impeded my creativity. However, once I fixed this, and started to think about the story--the universe I was creating; my characters and their circumstances, I felt that thrill and life return to me.

Additionally, I finally began to teach. I had quit my job at T&Co, early/mid-September, but with bureaucratic red tape, I wasn't able to start teaching until the 2nd week of November. It was also testing because, after that, I had Thanksgiving and holiday-related no-class sessions.

As for the business, I grew it a little bit and I am very happy to be pushing onward. I was able to close in and welcome a new business partner. It was great! When my days at the school had me feeling bummed out, I would look forward to sharing positive energy with my business colleagues.

December's outlook: after re-evaluating my disappointments, I know this is the time to change tactics. I've created a great schedule and calendar. Which helps me track and "number my days", yet, not feel overwhelmed. I've formatted my schedule for my novel--alas, I didn't get to finish because I started teaching--which I hopefully will finish by the end of January-to-mid-February.

I keep all this in prayer. I'm living for my legacy.


Matthew 10:16

Bible Study - Apologetics: On Free Will and Choice

Today, we had a lovely and lively discussion about Biblical foundations. There were questions and answers, and there were things to further seek God for clarity.

One of the topics was about Angels having free will. I, in my limited study, do not know the whole picture, nor am I fluent in philosophical and theological jargon. So I will seek and pray.

Thus far, all I know is that there is a difference between free will and free choice. Words and how they are defined could help shed light on the matter. But mostly, it is to the Holy Spirit to inspire and teach.

This is the crux of the matter. It is to seek God and find out his truth. To read, seek, delight, and become enlightened.

Proverbs 25:2

Trying to Understand this Election Cycle

There is too much noise. There are too many platitudes spoken. Too many empty promises.

I am a conservative with liberal leanings. That makes me on the moderate side of things. There are issues I am steadfast in my opinion, and other issues--some important to others--that I am on the gray.

I stand for life, but I believe we all have a choice.

I believe in foreign aid, but I also believe America needs to fix itself.

I believe that both of the candidates are self-serving. 

I believe the people for either side are myopic in their stances at best.

I'm praying for this country. I suggest we all do too.

1 Timothy 2:1-3

Mad Dash

Last minute laundry. Packing with mom when we get home. No sleep again tonight because I've got paperwork for my dad.

Such is the life of missionaries. Yay to adventure!

I am so excited for my mom to be heading out to the missions field. She's got a powerful message! I can't wait to hear all about it.

Woot!

Matthew 6:33

Dreaming of You - Convoluted Thoughts

The title is appropriate, seeing that today the Selena MAC (cosmetics) campaign began. Already sold out, and admittedly, I am quite nervous that I won't get the lipstick of that name. Sigh. More on makeup in another post.

I wanted to talk about the dream I had last night. I woke up with a start, feeling awful. I was mad and sad all the same time.

The setting of the dream was at Camp (Ashland, VA).  In the dream, it seemed like I lived there, but I was moving out that day. Some guy was helping me pack up and get all my stuff sorted, but after my possessions were in the van, I went around to say goodbye. He was following me diligently as I said my farewells. However, I was looking for a person.

This person I am looking for, "C", is someone I know. In real life, our general relationship is hard to describe. It's a case of misunderstandings, but great rapport, mutual affection--there's a lot of history and disappointments on both ends. I acknowledge it's not the best.

Anyway, in the dream, I was seeking "C" out to say goodbye. I was searching all over Camp, and in the last possible moment, right before I absolutely had to leave, I see him. From across the room, I ran toward him to give him an embrace. I hugged him tight, and then let go. He then told me to run to the van.

The guy who had diligently followed and helped me pack was called elsewhere as I opened the door to the passenger van taking me to the airport. The van was full of people who I was close to and strangers along for the ride to the airport. I called out the people I wasn't close to, asking them to leave the van if they had other motives in being there--namely, they wanted to join in the pre-flight meal we customarily have as a family (yes, this is a real life thing we do almost every time someone leaves!).

As the van pulls out of Camp, I call "C" telling him, "It's not too late to join us to go to the airport. There's space [in the van]." He replied, "I'm sorry, I'd like to but can't. I'm sorry timings never work out..."

I am distraught, and I wake up from my dream.

I woke up feeling angry with my(dream)self for not noticing the devotion of the other gentleman--the one who helped me pack and who diligently stood by my side saying good bye. Yet, I was also sad that I had spent so much time looking to and for someone who didn't feel I was worth the same amount of energy.

Whether this is a true representation (or devolution) of my relationship with "C", I'm not sure. But surely, I think I can believe that timing has, and will probably never be, right. How sad I am about this I'm not entirely sure.

I am a firm believer of letting negativity go. Yet, grey areas exist and "C" is there. Complicated enough to hurt, yet positive enough to inspire.

Proverbs 2:2

Relief - Falling into Place

Today is a good day although the weather seems contrary. I've finally submitted the last pieces of paperwork for the teaching job, and I had my first order for a Shaklee turnaround! Happy dance!

The walk toward my goal is long, but today is something to celebrate because God is good. I'm a firm believer that victories, no matter how small, should be acknowledged and celebrated. The adage 'fortune favors the bold' has been in mind lately, and I can't help but think that patience and prayers through the last few weeks have lead me here. Seemingly insignificant, but I cannot help but think of the Jesus and his parable of the mustard seed. 

A friend slept over last night, but before sleeping, we were talking (as I did the dishes). I was talking about my activities the last few weeks, and what I'm doing with the time I have for myself. I've also shared the renewed passion I have for mentoring, and how I'm finally working out my ministry.

She mentioned that couldn't help but smile as I recounted the last few weeks. And in addition, other close friends have noticed how 'chill' I am with all these changes. I always attribute the peace to the prayers.

A few posts below, I mentioned that I am interested in the slow living--living intently--and that the philosophy of one of my favorite chef's is "Time is an ingredient". I've been through circumstances that have stretched my faith these past few years. I'm just learning to rest and change my flow.

Things are settling down, and now the praying and the planning these few weeks can take effect. Soon more victories, in different forms, will come. I can't wait to celebrate those too.

Hebrews 12:2

Sunrise at Burj Khalifa observation deck

Conversations with God

One of my favourite sermons is about prayer. I believe that prayer is essential in spiritual growth and personal growth. Deep prayer is having deep conversations with God, and I love it.

When I was a child I thought it was something formal. That I first had to 'clean' my mind of thoughts so that God wouldn't hear them before I started. But that's the thing about an omnipotent-omniscient God--moot point in cleaning your mind before prayer 'cause He already knows!

Anyway, the sermon of the Tabernacle Prayer (taught by Paul Yonggi Cho) is a go to, especially when I want to 'soul detox'. Its not meant to be formal... it's meant to be real. I'll be re-iterating and exhorting on it at Church, so I might as well give snippets.

Premise: The Tabernacle/Temple prayer is a method of praying so as to engage God in deeper conversation. It also helps pace one's self in prayer time.

There are three stages and seven areas of concentration. The three stages are the outer court, inner court, and the Holy of Holies. The seven concentrations are: the Brazen Altar and the Cross, Laver, Lamp Stand (Menorah), Table of Show Bread, the Altar of Incense, and the Mercy Seat.

At each concentration, we engage God differently. At the Brazen Altar, we come to magnify the work of Jesus on the cross. To affirm His death, and His triumph. We renew our minds with the benefits of the cross: forgiveness of sin, righteousness, healing, conquered the world, fulness of the Holy Spirit, sanctification, redemption from the curse, etc; We get to clarify the vision of our identity in Him.

The Laver is where we look within ourselves using the 10 Commandments as our mirror. It is no longer a curse (Galatians 3:10 NLT preferred). A lot of repenting and renouncing here. Got other gods and idols? Got a problem with taking the Lord's name in vain? Am I keeping the commandment of the Sabbath? Do I respect my parents? Honestly, when you ponder upon these, you'll be humbled and see that we needed a lot of fixing. It's great! Its a recalibration. This is where I'm usually a sopping mess.

The Menorah represents the Holy Spirit and His seven attributes. He illuminates our spirit and soul with His: wisdom, understanding, counsel, might, knowledge; fear of the Lord, and holiness. This is that part where the 'oil' or 'anointing' comes. Here I'm humbled by His abilities and realize what it means to function in and through Him. And, obviously, I engage Him and adore Him and take this time to fellowship with Him.

The Table of Show Bread is the word of God. The 'logos' - the written word, and the 'rhema' - God's spoken word. I like to think of it as the Doctrine within the Bible and the inspiration impressed by God through the Holy Spirit that brings these doctrines to life, able to apply divinely inspired Word to our lives. I thank God for the Word and the promises of the Word that has come to life within me for my wellbeing. Super powerful to know that God's Word does not return void (Isa. 55:11) and alive (Heb. 4:12).

Finally (for my snippet, rather), the Altar of Incense. Here, we are directly in front of God's glory. Our prayer is a sweet incense to Him (Ps. 141:2 & Rev. 8:4). Here we are able to offer petitions for ourselves and others, pray for blessings, protection; lay down plans and projects, etc; You've got this time, place, and space in front of the King of Kings and He's listening. Say, 'Hi' or just be still to listen to Him. 

I encourage you to make it real 'cause either way He's listening. Also, going through these points, I assure you, you'll have a long and very deep conversation with God. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

(Yes, I realize I may have blogged about this a while back. Always a good topic!)

"Excelsior!" A life change.

The word "excelsior" is Latin for "ever upward" and "still higher". It's on the state seal of New York--completely apropos. It also happens to be Stan Lee's catchphrase. To me, it's a dare.

Can I push myself to be better spiritually, mentally, and physically? Can I learn to face my battles efficiently, head-on, with a victorious mindset? Can I worry less about people's preconceived notions? The answer is, obviously, 'yes'. However, 'when?' is the more vexing question.

Some weeks ago, someone inspired me with a 'divine' word. That's nothing new since I'm always receiving or being told great words of wisdom and affirmations (prophetic words, so to speak). But the succeeding days, I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I sat under a pine tree at work, and instead of eating lunch, I was praying. I was faced with a conundrum. Who I want to be is far grander than what my current position could give me. It wasn't out of ambition or entitlement, but rather, an illumination within. It asked a serious question--which had been asked before, but this time, instead of brushing it aside, I had the courage to answer it.

It leads me here. A new career path, a budding business, out of my depth (for the moment! Optimistically, obviously), and committing.

The committing is the hardest thing yet, to be frank. But that's part desperation, part hope, and wholly faith.

I hope to write blogs regularly again. Perhaps it would help others understand the journey I'm on now, and for me to externalize whatever it is I'm going through.

God's grace is suffice.
Proverbs 16:9

Of Courage and Liberty

It's been a year since I graduated, give or take a few days, of course. Walking around campus felt so different compared to my very first day living in Cambridge. I remember walking down Magazine Street, and although it was a sunny, cloudless day, it was grey. However, last Thursday, walking with my sister and friends around Harvard Square and then around Boston, it was clear and shimmery.

I have learned so much from my time living alone, and I am sure that, as I embark on the next journey, I will learn more lessons. The prerogative is to be couragous--trusting in God's plan. It'll require much of me, stretching and molding me, and that is all I can hope for. Tehre are so many people much braver than I, and if I want my life to mean something, I, too, must go and do.

I am so fortunate that I have a family that is supportive of the adventures and endeavors I am undetaking. I have their prayers and blessings, which allows me to be free. I am at liberty to do.

As I type this post on the Megabus ride back to NYC, I have Oceans by Hillsong  United on repeat. "Spirit lead to where my trust is without boarders..."

Will I be trusting enough? Will I live and walk Spiritually so that I can endure and persevere? God I hope I can be counted as your faithful. That's all I really want in life. That's the only thing I am sure of.

Praise Jesus.

That Thing Called Hope

The job hunt is still very real. I don't wish to say that its a struggle because it really isn't. It's people's job to make sure to pick the most qualified, and I get that. So, as I keep on pushing my resume out there, I remember a very old sermon--probably about 10 years ago--by my best friend's father.

"Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." Ecclesiastes 11:1 (KJV)

The other versions say to cast my "grain", and I understand that it can be also paraphrased as "seeds". It's also like saying "giving a gift can open doors; it gives access to important people!" (Proverbs 18:16 NLT). My skills, abilities, and positive characteristics are seeds (or gifts) that I have gathered/gained from planting effort and experiences, and by paying it forward/sowing over the summer, I know that it will indeed come back to me, or make room for me.

This is what I've been thinking about regarding this position I really desperately want. It's a clerical job in the back end operations of a very prestigious company. I would either work in shipping, customer service in drafting important documentation, or handling very precious materials for repairs. 

Here's hoping. Right?

Then, I was thinking about where I should "hope". Realistically, I need a job because I've got bills (student loans) to pay. Further, I need another degree or certification for a career. But then a job isn't permanent, and a career isn't secure. Money isn't permanent either. So, where to place hope?

I had said a small prayer as I was walking around the other day: "Jesus, you're my hope. I know this. You're doing something in the background for me." The hope that is sure is the cross of Jesus and what was done there. That remains constant because the price of life--my life--was paid by His blood. At the cross is my future as well.

I wait with anticipation; growing deeper in my knowledge and hope in Christ for the great things he has in store. I know Jesus is in the midst of it all and I know He's doing more in the background for my favor. The Holy Spirit is with me, guiding me to make the right decisions, and placing me decisively for the blessings that will over flow. 

I can't wait for the favorable outcome!

For Who You Are by Hillsong

Study to Shew Thyself Approved - Sobering Thoughts

"Make every effort to present yourself before God as a proven worker who does not need to be ashamed, teaching the message of truth accurately." 2 Timothy 2:15 NET

Just pondering upon the matters of diligence, faith, and Christianity. Additionally, upon the rigors of the lifestyle that I proclaim. I just start to think about how God stretches me to be better--in giving, gratitude, grace, mercy, kindness, mindfulness, patience, and loving-kindness.

In this inner reflection I also have to move outwardly and upward. I must not only think about those matters, but act upon them, and then continually exercise them to a greater degree. Who said being a Christian is easy? True faith hurts because it requires endurance (James 1:3)

If I must be found lacking, let me continually hunger for the Word of God (Psalms 107:9). Let me continually be found seeking His face (Psalms 27:4). Let me not settle for anything other than Jesus.

Unfolding Destiny

At present, if I take stock of what I see and feel, it would be unsurety and disquiet. Nothing is going as I had hoped, and I almost feel as though I am stuck in limbo, which for me, is the worst place. The next step I am supposed to take is far off yet, but close enough, which is frustrating because it's part of a barebones plan/outline/guideline, but details aren't filled in. I can't just twiddle my thumbs...

Thankfully, I know my God and his voice, and that is enough confidence and easement I need. I don't need to be anxious or afraid of my future, because [He] know the plans [he] has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm [me], plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know that He is my sustainer (Psalm 40:11), my guide (John 16:13), compass (Psalm 16:11), and counselor (Psalm 55:22); my maker (Psalm 103:11), father (Psalm 56:8-9), perfecter (Psalm 139:23-24), and my shelter (Psalm 23:6), bastion (Psalm 46:2-3), and protector (Psalm 3:3). He is my salvation (Acts 4:12) and deliverer (1 Thessalonians 1:10). He is my constant companion (Psalm 73:23-24). He is my wealth (Psalm 4:7-8), hope (Psalm 42:5) I know I can laugh about the future and the days to come (Proverbs 31:25), I have victory (1 Corinthians 15:57)! 

Feelings and thoughts can be set aside. It is the byproduct of using the senses. Faith needs to be concrete--realer than real. This is why I need not worry about tomorrow. All I must do is walk out today with Him. 

My destiny is certain, as it is big. I have caught the vision for it, and I know that I don't have enough strength, skill, or talent on my own to bring it to completion or perfection, but I know who does... my God. 

So this is just a brain dump to remind myself that my imperfection, failings and weaknesses are good--they're great!--because in these He is strong, able, and perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). I've got plans and options, but His will and way takes preeminence.

Thank you Lord for you sit on your throne, immoveable by my circumstances; that you rejoice over me, and uphold me. There is no lack in You. There is no missing You--You make Your presence known to those who seek You. You've given me choices and the mind to accept or reject, but in my choices may it be Your will that is done. In the end, all I want to hear is "well done, faithful one". Lord, whatever  I don't know, please teach me; whatever I do not have, please give it, and whatever I am not, please make me in your Son's mighty name. Amen. 

Music on the mind

It's been a few weeks since I've written something, but today is one of those rare days I've found mental downtime.

Firstly, WOOT!!! I graduated! I've finally got a degree to my name, although it is totally not just for me, but for everyone who has helped me down the path of academics. I can't say how grateful I am to everyone--especially my parents, grandparents, family, and friends. Then there are my mentors and teachers who literally have helped me through tough times and invested in me. I know I keep saying it, but its true.

Secondly, I am deeply moved by the love that was showered upon our family when Papa died. There were people who we hadn't seen in years, or have lost contact with, and those who unexpectedly came to his memorial service. I had him in mind today as we [in camp] prayed for America, the troops, and veterans. If anything, Papa was really proud of being a WWII Veteran, and that his grandchildren had degrees, and accomplishments of their own.

Thirdly, 26! I'm just an edge past quarter of a century, I'm glad I got to spend it with family and friends, though I know that I left some people hangin'. Sorry!

Fourthly, I am so stoked by camp. I know I came immediately after my birthday, and it seems like I won't be back home until the beginning of September, but I am so grateful for the training and the things I am (and will) learning.

Finally, music on the brain! :)

http://youtu.be/ew_c5ewoVQk La Roux -- I'm Not Your Toy

http://youtu.be/KG3EDn69poA Laurence Fox -- The One Sent To Guide You

From the darkest night comes the brightest dawn

Rise. The sun always rises. It may rise behind the clouds, and it may obscure the light for a while, but clouds are vapors and will disappear. Compared to the enormous ball of gas, clouds...

My sunrise has come.

The last two years here in Boston held so many challenges. I often wondered if I'd come out of here with my mind in tact, but here I am. I thank God for everything.

My heart is just so full right now. Things are falling int place. God, it's beautiful.


Sunrise

A golden glow peeks at the edge of the horizon.
Hope stirs within.
A ray breaks forth, piercing the heart of night;
it chases the dark.
Blue married with gold hugs the earth.
More tendrils of light burst forth.
The star rises victoriously.
Gold.
Glorious gold.
It kisses the land softly, warmly, and anew.
A new day.

The Fiercest Fables: lies I tell myself

The title of this post, "Fiercest Fables" actually comes from a story a friend of mine wrote (who got it from a Bon Iver song, I don't know which one). It has to do with the lies we tell ourselves. There are just some things we believe we have control over, or mastered, but in truth, we've sorely underestimated its grip or ramification.

My mother, in a much more verbose manner, once told me a story about this village woman. The lesson of the story was "covering your head, but leaving your butt exposed". We make certain provisions for somethings, yet completely miss the glaring warnings for other things, and lo-and-behold, we are in danger.

Sometimes its more telling of our nature by what we do for the sake or in the face of curiosity, than what we seemingly constantly (regimentally/characteristically) do.

Where am I going with this?

Addiction.

I am sure if I am truly honest with myself, I can acknowledge that somewhere or at some time, I've picked up something, an interest, a hobby or habit that grew into something that got married into my personality and character. All are destructive in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

Again, all addictions [idols, gods, propensities] are destructive [to self] in the face of fidelity to a righteous and jealous God.

What am I addicted to?

Answer: many things.

Your breath inside my lungs

The past few weeks have been a challenge emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. There were things I needed to work through and am still working through, and that's half the fun, I guess. I've decided to create a hedge of protection for my own sanity and purity.

My pastor gave a great example last Sunday, he said that soldiers encamped, literally, imprison themselves for safety and freedom. The mental picture of Camp Bastion, a British military base--I know of this one, specifically, because Prince Harry was stationed there, and there was a feature of his time there--with its heavy fortification and protocols flashed to mind. Imagine, it can be loosely thought of as a small town of British soldiers, and at one time, held the third (now forth) in line to the throne of the UK. Think about the safety and, albeit relative, normality of living within this "town". But emphasis on the word "within".

That segues into my own life and this question: how badly do I want to be free of...? While the sermon was about sexual immorality, it also encompasses all types of sin that ensnares. I know my triggers. A few of our discipleship sermons are on the "Place of Temptation"--keep far away!--and "Protecting Your Heart", which I know I should be constantly mindful of.

I'm not going to lie, I'm not straight laced at all. I do like to skirt the lines of what I should and shouldn't be doing, much to the dismay of my parents. Bless their hearts and patience. But mostly, I think it's to the chagrin and vexation of my Comforter and Life Guide (very sorry Holy Spirit!). And because it's true, that we can't serve two masters, I'm frustrated with wanting to do great things in the Kingdom, and doing my own thing. Time to decidedly pick one and stick to it.

So, the question remains: How badly do I want to be free of...? Right now, pretty [insert expletive here] badly. It was yesterday, I think, that was really my turning point. I had talked to my mother in the morning about the frustration of this semester and not finding a foothold. She encouraged me to meditate on a few verses and I also remembered a few verses from the sermon on Sunday. "God is not a man, that He should lie...", it says in Numbers 23:19. Isaiah 41:9-10 and the whole chapter of John 14 brought peace to my heart. And in that, the decision to be viciously concerned about my mental purity.

Mental purity doesn't mean taking on a naive innocence, but to sterilize the mind of earthly musings. Basically, 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Yeah, this. Or succinctly: Colossians 3: 2, 5-15. These things, whether I have actively or passively given place to them, thanks to our culture, take up a lot of space in my mind. Frankly, I've got to do away with them, because I need more space for other things--greater things.

Succinctly; things I've learned: Be viciously concerned about sanctification. Righteousness, Peace, and Joy in the Holy Ghost flows freely when sanctification is the priority. Grace abounds. All these things will follow.

TL;DR: I've got a foothold, the mountain that has been causing my frustrations, diversions, insecurity and general mental icky-ness will crumble and go into the sea. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of in Christ. I am sure because He doesn't lie, and all He wants is what's best for me, which is Himself.

To the weakest link...

Posting for the sake of posting this week.

I started discipleship at church.

I'm trying to study for a quiz.


UPDATE/EDIT/REWRITE:

Another anxiety attack today as I was heading out the door to go to class. I was trying to handle it, squash it down, until it became a deluge and swallowed me.

I will am trying to learn to accept it. I try to fight the biological reaction and sometimes I succeed, but most of the time I don't. I don't really get emotional after an attack, but this one I did. Frustrating.

I'm frustrated that it recurs. I dislike being a burden to those I love. In some level I feel like I should be "stronger than this", but maybe I'm not, at least on my own.

I look back on the times I've gotten out of these pits. I've made it, miraculously.

I'm in the last semester in school. Pressure.



I can (and have!) do(ne) all things through Christ who strengthens me. This I affirm. This I have and continually see.

Prayer: Shalom. Shalom.