Prose: So Stay with Me; There's Nothing Like You and I

Background: I haven't been sleeping well, and it's my first night in a little while having dreams. However, I dreamt about saying my goodbyes. Melancholic prose commence!

So Stay with Me

It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.

As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.

Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.

So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.

Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.

You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.


There's Nothing Like You and I

She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.

It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...


-Fin-

There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers

and bonus:

Thoughts in TL;DR:

Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.

Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.

Unfolding Destiny

At present, if I take stock of what I see and feel, it would be unsurety and disquiet. Nothing is going as I had hoped, and I almost feel as though I am stuck in limbo, which for me, is the worst place. The next step I am supposed to take is far off yet, but close enough, which is frustrating because it's part of a barebones plan/outline/guideline, but details aren't filled in. I can't just twiddle my thumbs...

Thankfully, I know my God and his voice, and that is enough confidence and easement I need. I don't need to be anxious or afraid of my future, because [He] know the plans [he] has for me...plans to prosper and not to harm [me], plans for hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know that He is my sustainer (Psalm 40:11), my guide (John 16:13), compass (Psalm 16:11), and counselor (Psalm 55:22); my maker (Psalm 103:11), father (Psalm 56:8-9), perfecter (Psalm 139:23-24), and my shelter (Psalm 23:6), bastion (Psalm 46:2-3), and protector (Psalm 3:3). He is my salvation (Acts 4:12) and deliverer (1 Thessalonians 1:10). He is my constant companion (Psalm 73:23-24). He is my wealth (Psalm 4:7-8), hope (Psalm 42:5) I know I can laugh about the future and the days to come (Proverbs 31:25), I have victory (1 Corinthians 15:57)! 

Feelings and thoughts can be set aside. It is the byproduct of using the senses. Faith needs to be concrete--realer than real. This is why I need not worry about tomorrow. All I must do is walk out today with Him. 

My destiny is certain, as it is big. I have caught the vision for it, and I know that I don't have enough strength, skill, or talent on my own to bring it to completion or perfection, but I know who does... my God. 

So this is just a brain dump to remind myself that my imperfection, failings and weaknesses are good--they're great!--because in these He is strong, able, and perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9). I've got plans and options, but His will and way takes preeminence.

Thank you Lord for you sit on your throne, immoveable by my circumstances; that you rejoice over me, and uphold me. There is no lack in You. There is no missing You--You make Your presence known to those who seek You. You've given me choices and the mind to accept or reject, but in my choices may it be Your will that is done. In the end, all I want to hear is "well done, faithful one". Lord, whatever  I don't know, please teach me; whatever I do not have, please give it, and whatever I am not, please make me in your Son's mighty name. Amen. 

Poetics: Some Point Between Here and There

Some Point Between Here and There 

JG 2.914

I imagined a perfect life with you.

We would live in a loft;
I would prepare breakfast,
and you would gladly make tea.

A prayer for the day ahead,
and a kiss goodbye.
I'd be someone important at work,
and so would you.
We would live comfortably.

Then I realize,
This is my dream.
I realize--I don't even know you.
You say you want to live out of the city.
What?
You say you don't drink caffeine--
Since when?
You prefer hard labor instead of the officework.
Okay.

I am jarred.
I am repentant.

Confused.
Did I take the time to know you?
Were we on the same page?
Did we have the same conversations?
I'm blindsided, and so are you.
What happened?
Really, what happened?

You had another vision--
Another dream all together.
Your personal values,
Your mores,
Your ethics,
beautiful in their own right,
are so different from mine.
I didn't get to know you well enough.
Yet, this isn't disappointing.

We are at a stall.
Actually, there is no 'we'.
There's you.
There's me.
Paths that were once parallel--

never really having converged,

and all the more diverging. 

Thank you for being you.
However, I still like what I see.

Poetics in the mind. There'll be more posted. 

Music on the mind

It's been a few weeks since I've written something, but today is one of those rare days I've found mental downtime.

Firstly, WOOT!!! I graduated! I've finally got a degree to my name, although it is totally not just for me, but for everyone who has helped me down the path of academics. I can't say how grateful I am to everyone--especially my parents, grandparents, family, and friends. Then there are my mentors and teachers who literally have helped me through tough times and invested in me. I know I keep saying it, but its true.

Secondly, I am deeply moved by the love that was showered upon our family when Papa died. There were people who we hadn't seen in years, or have lost contact with, and those who unexpectedly came to his memorial service. I had him in mind today as we [in camp] prayed for America, the troops, and veterans. If anything, Papa was really proud of being a WWII Veteran, and that his grandchildren had degrees, and accomplishments of their own.

Thirdly, 26! I'm just an edge past quarter of a century, I'm glad I got to spend it with family and friends, though I know that I left some people hangin'. Sorry!

Fourthly, I am so stoked by camp. I know I came immediately after my birthday, and it seems like I won't be back home until the beginning of September, but I am so grateful for the training and the things I am (and will) learning.

Finally, music on the brain! :)

http://youtu.be/ew_c5ewoVQk La Roux -- I'm Not Your Toy

http://youtu.be/KG3EDn69poA Laurence Fox -- The One Sent To Guide You

From the darkest night comes the brightest dawn

Rise. The sun always rises. It may rise behind the clouds, and it may obscure the light for a while, but clouds are vapors and will disappear. Compared to the enormous ball of gas, clouds...

My sunrise has come.

The last two years here in Boston held so many challenges. I often wondered if I'd come out of here with my mind in tact, but here I am. I thank God for everything.

My heart is just so full right now. Things are falling int place. God, it's beautiful.


Sunrise

A golden glow peeks at the edge of the horizon.
Hope stirs within.
A ray breaks forth, piercing the heart of night;
it chases the dark.
Blue married with gold hugs the earth.
More tendrils of light burst forth.
The star rises victoriously.
Gold.
Glorious gold.
It kisses the land softly, warmly, and anew.
A new day.

Every Entrance was an Exit Elsewhere

Yesterday (Monday) night was the final class for Drama. I'm sad to realize that next Monday evening I wouldn't be surrounded by really cool, warm, and kind people. It was a lovely journey to be a part of. I told my acting teacher last night, "I learned to access my feelings, commit to them, and follow through." To which he replied, "well that's true of everything we do, right?", indeed it is.

I had a late start this morning, which I'm quite annoyed about--I'll make due. Drinking tea, I thought about my stay here in Boston, the community I've been a part of--Grace Street/Revolution Church, and my previous/present? classmates. These thoughts actually began a few days ago when, in frustration, I started to pack. I took down most of the cards and letters people have sent/given me and tucked them away. Several are still up on the wall, I'll need them to get through the week. A specific card, given by a dear friend, talked about how she'd miss me as I moved up to Boston. That's nearly 2 years ago.

Two years. A chapter of my life will be closing soon. Nothing's going to stop me.

Boston held previous memories. Boston holds graveyards. Boston holds closure.

Once I pass the threshold and shut the door come the end of the month, I'll be back in NY, but it will be an entrance to something else.

We all have 20/20 vision in hindsight; emotional ties

TL;DR: I'm a mess right now. Can't even make sense of stuff.

I spent a good 2 hours getting rid of screen caps, saved pics, and tags on my computer. I have yet to touch my iTunes to clear out (really) old sentimental songs. I figure it will be an endeavor that will last at least half a day. 

I'm cutting emotional ties with people and certain things. I feel like in the last two years I've cut out more and more people. It hurts--no lie, but I think I need to save myself before I can help someone else. This is difficult.

The imperative is to cleanse. I didn't think I had this much junk in my life, and the more I dig, the more I realize "wow, I suck". My hope is that I remember and realize that all I have and am is by God's grace. 

I feel like asking "what now, God?" because I'm literally being stripped of everything. There is so much time I would have used for x, y, z, etc; and now it's open schedule. The hardest thing, actually, is filling that time with something wholesome. 

I feel sorely lacking compared to last year. But I think its cause I let myself get lax in being vigilant that things God cleared out of my life started to creep back, or that I didn't fully give stuff away. 

It may be a whole host of other things.

I'm just rambling now.