That Thing Called Hope

The job hunt is still very real. I don't wish to say that its a struggle because it really isn't. It's people's job to make sure to pick the most qualified, and I get that. So, as I keep on pushing my resume out there, I remember a very old sermon--probably about 10 years ago--by my best friend's father.

"Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." Ecclesiastes 11:1 (KJV)

The other versions say to cast my "grain", and I understand that it can be also paraphrased as "seeds". It's also like saying "giving a gift can open doors; it gives access to important people!" (Proverbs 18:16 NLT). My skills, abilities, and positive characteristics are seeds (or gifts) that I have gathered/gained from planting effort and experiences, and by paying it forward/sowing over the summer, I know that it will indeed come back to me, or make room for me.

This is what I've been thinking about regarding this position I really desperately want. It's a clerical job in the back end operations of a very prestigious company. I would either work in shipping, customer service in drafting important documentation, or handling very precious materials for repairs. 

Here's hoping. Right?

Then, I was thinking about where I should "hope". Realistically, I need a job because I've got bills (student loans) to pay. Further, I need another degree or certification for a career. But then a job isn't permanent, and a career isn't secure. Money isn't permanent either. So, where to place hope?

I had said a small prayer as I was walking around the other day: "Jesus, you're my hope. I know this. You're doing something in the background for me." The hope that is sure is the cross of Jesus and what was done there. That remains constant because the price of life--my life--was paid by His blood. At the cross is my future as well.

I wait with anticipation; growing deeper in my knowledge and hope in Christ for the great things he has in store. I know Jesus is in the midst of it all and I know He's doing more in the background for my favor. The Holy Spirit is with me, guiding me to make the right decisions, and placing me decisively for the blessings that will over flow. 

I can't wait for the favorable outcome!

For Who You Are by Hillsong

How to Deal with Disappointment

It's nearly a month since my last post. I had originally planned to do a post every other day, but the job hunt is real and it's getting ever more real. I can't help but feel frustrated, and the feeling of despondency is slowly tugging. So, I am writing because I need to remember...

During camp last, one of the very first life issues God highlighted was that I had a lot of hurt and emotional scars. I can only side eye that, because, well, God knows me better than I know myself, right? I've been hurt by people closest to me--I mean, who hasn't? Thats one of the saddest facts of humanity, the closer you are to a person, the more hurt you'd feel--the amount of love you give is (often) proportionate to the amount of hurt you feel...

Digressing, emotional scars and hurts were remembered. A good portion was prayed over, released forgiveness for, and then prayed life into. For some, I actually had to contact the person(s) and release forgiveness--again, proportionate amount of hurt, it was a boatload. 

I just needed to remember this example of personal growth over the summer because I am feeling all these yucky feelings--excuse the lack of a better term. I'm hurt by the circumstances, and disappointed in myself. I feel like I've failed at life (already? I mean, I just graduated...), and that I've been hoodwinked. 

They are lies of the enemy.

Taking a cue from my favorite book in the Bible--James--I will combat these feelings with the Truth. I am content in this trial because its building perseverance (James 1:2, 9, 12 ). I am taking pride in my humble position, because in my lack, God overflows with all things I do not have. I am called to persevere because God has work for me to do.

Pastor Glenn Garland said something that I've been ruminating lately. My present situation may be fact--my current joblessness is likened to water turning into ice, but the TRUTH is that I am a conqueror and a success likened to aberrations of nature (miracles), like Jesus walking on water. 

My life is a miracle. This is my testimony. I will triumph because of the Blood Christ shed on the cross, and my testimony (Revelations 12:11). (Thank you Lord for such a beautiful thing!) The life in me is not mine, it is Christ's, therefore I have hope, and a bright future (recall Jeremiah 29:11).

Biblical truths.
Promises.
Endurance.


This is not the end.

This is how to deal with disappointments, despondency, and hurt life metes out. As my father likes to quote: Hebrews 12:2, "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."


This is Not the End by Gungor

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United

Oceans Will Part by Hillsong

Prose: The Adventure and an Addendum

Background: I was listening to Eyes, Nose, Lips (Feat. Tablo) by Taeyang as I was doing errands yesterday and I just had to write this down. But then I remembered The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves. I've been outlining my plot for NaNoWrimo and I think I'll expand on this lovely thing. LOVE IT.


The Adventure

The passengers quickly fill the plane, and she waits. Looking out the window, her mind wonders when she first decided to go on this grand adventure. Back then, she was still unsure of herself or of her future. If that certain boy had asked her to stay, she would have.

She is grateful he didn't.

As the plane taxies, and then lifts off, the skyline of her home town comes to view. Soon, she'll be in her home--across the land and sea--where whispers of childish dreams dissipate because life turned out to be so much better.

Her new home where she settled after a long adventure is rooted in the arms of a man who didn't ask her to stay, but instead came along for the adventure. 

- Fin - 

Eyes Nose Lips (Feat. Tablo) by Taeyang

The Adventure by Angels and Airwaves 

Addendum: (Harvard event and job hunting)

So, the Harvard event was intimidating because I got there late and everyone else was in their groups. I felt that there were more grad students than college students, as well. Huh. Anyway, I got to walk around and chat with some people, which was good. I didn't need a date so much as to be a buffer, but to help ease the vibe of the room. I didn't like the room itself. It was dark and gothic looking, I'm sure if there were less people, and another theme, it would have been lovely. 

I stayed 30 minutes and left. Walked around 5th ave and went to Sunrise Mart just for kicks. The employees were looking at me weird. Shrug. There was a cute Hapa... ^_^

Digressing. I thank the event for the wine, it was good--better than the one served at the gala I went to on campus last May. I'm disappointed that there was only light fare... maybe it was because I was late that I missed the canapés? But the room really gave me the creeps. 

I liked the clubhouse. Very swanky. I'll sign up for membership soon!

Thank God for the opportunities--any and all! I am so blessed. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. (Psalm 23:6) I miss my classmates and friends who are still on campus. I am thankful for the help I get, and the support.

Oh! In total yesterday I sent out 8 applications for 14 jobs in all. Goodness. I'm looking for more opportunities today as well. But errands first. 

Seek the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (Matthew 6:33) My paraphrase: "seek God, live blamelessly in the sight of others for His glory, and all else will follow." 

Today, I had a late start--did laundry late last night with my sister, and came back home at 4 and slept about 5 am!-- but I am filled with so much joy. 

Now unto Him that is Able to Keep You from Falling

I am behind schedule today as I got carried away with job applications. I think I was able to do at least five this morning, and two yesterday. Today I am trying to do as much as I can since I wasted a great deal of the day wallowing. (Side note: Don't you just hate unfinished dreams? URGH!)

My present meditation is Jude 1:24-25 KJV, "Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless in the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Savior, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, now and ever. Amen." The lovely realization that I need Jesus because I am ever more dependent on Him; happy at the fact that I am not sufficient, and I cannot do a thing on my own. I am not crippled by despondency--at my ineptitude, but so humbled by my frailty. 

Probably more to post later today--going to a Harvard event tonight. I was frustratedly curious as to whether I should bring a date or not. 

Study to Shew Thyself Approved - Sobering Thoughts

"Make every effort to present yourself before God as a proven worker who does not need to be ashamed, teaching the message of truth accurately." 2 Timothy 2:15 NET

Just pondering upon the matters of diligence, faith, and Christianity. Additionally, upon the rigors of the lifestyle that I proclaim. I just start to think about how God stretches me to be better--in giving, gratitude, grace, mercy, kindness, mindfulness, patience, and loving-kindness.

In this inner reflection I also have to move outwardly and upward. I must not only think about those matters, but act upon them, and then continually exercise them to a greater degree. Who said being a Christian is easy? True faith hurts because it requires endurance (James 1:3)

If I must be found lacking, let me continually hunger for the Word of God (Psalms 107:9). Let me continually be found seeking His face (Psalms 27:4). Let me not settle for anything other than Jesus.

You Are My Hope; Jesus I Come. When Death Dies

The first song on today's playlist:

The previous post was a mix of current songs I've been listening to, as well as song from ages ago. It was fun going down memory lane that day with old songs and old playlists. I even dug up some old pictures from high school. I'm far too embarrassed to post them, sorry (not sorry). 

Anyway, I've decided to change my eating habits. I'm back to eating less meat, eventually phasing it out, though I haven't decided to commit to that. I will definitely miss chicken, but my solace are eggs! It's day two of the change and I feel lighter already. I'm popping almonds and walnuts whenever I get peckish, but what I really want is some fruit--bananas, figs, and some (flat)peaches. Also, I'll have to get more tea--it's warm drinks season, after all! (Can you tell that I'm excited for Autumn?)

From now until the end of the month I'm planning and outlining for NaNoWriMo. I've attempted it before but never got much traction because I couldn't juggle school and writing. It was too much for my brain to switch between the two. Now, I finally get to focus on writing. Super excited. 

Mindset. Focusing on changing my mindset regarding certain things. Romans 12:2 "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." I can't afford to 'not feel like [doing] it' because I'm working on a time table. I've got to be diligent. Rest is good, but I've been bummy. Whenever I get--not feel!--bummy, I remember Pastor Jerry Dirman's message "The Sluggard", and Proverbs 26:14. OUCH. 

Enough of my own thoughts... Emptying it out, and putting good stuff in. The WORD of GOD. It's transformative and informative.

When death dies, all things live. Because Christ is alive, I have a hope and future.

Prose: So Stay with Me; There's Nothing Like You and I

Background: I haven't been sleeping well, and it's my first night in a little while having dreams. However, I dreamt about saying my goodbyes. Melancholic prose commence!

So Stay with Me

It's difficult leaving home. Especially, leaving all the things you've known. But you're determined to make this change. You've wanted to carve out a life of your own. Not because you're stifled, but because you've responded to the call of adventure.

As you pack the remnants of life here, in the space you've called your own, in a carry-on--you'd shipped the essentials before hand, and given all the other things away--you look at sparseness within the case. You've chosen to live as a nomad, at least for now...and the foreseeable future. There's a mixture of delight and dread. You're okay with this.

Everyone you know will be settled down by the time you return--that is, if you do. They'd have made roots, and you, you'll be going with the flow; you'd get your direction from the wind. And though you know people will judge you for the so-called lack of your direction, that's the farthest from the truth. You know that you have direction, and it just so happens that it's to travel. You know the details will fill in themselves. You're okay with this.

So, as you hug your loved ones goodbye, you reminisce and already grow nostalgic for home. Because home is not a place, its the people. You can take comfort that you'd meet new people to call home. You're okay with this.

Your loved ones know you enough to let you go, and you love them all the more. You leave a piece of your heart with them, and in turn you take a piece of their heart with you. It doesn't hurt at all, because you don't think about the exchange as something sad. Instead, you're happy because they're a part of you forever. It is a privilege. You're okay with this.

You want your future so bad. You've grabbed it greedily, and if that means saying goodbye, that's okay. You're not just okay, you've finally bloomed.


There's Nothing Like You and I

She laughs, and you chuckle at the memories she's recounted. To be quite honest, you don't remember half of it, and some part of you is sad because of this. The coffee date continues, but something bubbles inside you can't place a finger on.

It isn't until days later, as you're out on your run, does it slam your gut. It was a goodbye, and you realized too late. Now, all you'll have are the half-remembered memories...


-Fin-

There's Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers

and bonus:

Thoughts in TL;DR:

Titles of the prose is juxtapose. Plethora of emotions on my part, but my mind is clear. I've got a future, and I realize that sometimes it means that not everyone I've known will be part of it. It's sad, but I'm okay with this. The worst place is to be overstaying your welcome, especially when it's in someone's life. I can't afford to develop emotional crutches.

Tangential: Lies by Evanescence, I didn't appreciate it as much before as I do now. Indeed there are a lot of lies we believe about ourselves which make us insecure. #liesItellmyself can be so true.